Can we talk about labels, please?

Kathryn Counsell-Hubbard - 13 Jan 16

So this is what is really irritating me: the use of the label Full time Mother to indicate a female parent who does not undertake paid employment alongside caring for their offspring. It rattles the absolute cr@p out of me because the inference is that any mother who does not fit into that definition is, by default, some kind of part time mother.

This is untrue on a number of levels. Firstly, working alongside motherhood feels, often, like you are simply giving up the good stuff and squeezing in all the less-good into a much more limited time frame. For example, having recently returned to work, I find that I now miss the vast majority of play time with my 11 month old son. Gone are hours where we could sing songs, play with toys (read: the remote controls) and meet fellow mum friends and tots for lunch or strolls round the park. What I do get are the night feed, the sudden wakefulness at 5am, the screaming fit after the bath, all GP and immunisation appointments, and the CONSTANT worry that he will develop separation anxiety and believe that his mummy no longer loves him.

Physically, I am less of a parent when I am at work because I am not there to do the things he needs. But, and it is a significant ‘but’, I am every inch his mother emotionally and authoritatively. I think about him all the time, I coordinate his little play diary so he can socialise and develop with friends’ children. I do all of his shopping and plan his meals. I make every decision concerning him, from when my mother-in-law picks him up in the morning to whether he is allowed a tiny bit of his father’s biscuit at night based on his day’s sugar intake. The notion of anyone, even including myself, thinking that I am in any way a part time mother because I am not with my son all day, every day, tears at my heart.

Of course, these things are never as easy as simply getting rid of a term of reference. Looking after a child or children is damned hard work and I understand why a mother would want their role recognised as such. Hence ‘full time mother’. But can’t we do better than that? Can’t we give respect to one group without negating another? Perhaps Primary Carer needs to be stepped up as a more professional term, although, I hasten to add, I am still a primary carer even as I sit at work banging out reports.

Is the label Stay At Home Mum too reminiscent of the age-old view that mothers without paid employment simply dust the sideboard before lying comatose on the sofa in front of This Morning and Loose Women? For me it isn’t, but as a new mum I am sure there are plenty who would disagree. How about Home-Based Parent? Primary Parent? Carer? How about plain old Mother? Perhaps the problem is that we don’t stand solidly in our truth that being a parent is work in-and-of-itself and needs no elaborate description or ratification to be recognised as such.

In the meantime, I struggle on trying to slot my own ‘mother’ label into my existing stable: wife, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, friend, confidante, colleague, acquaintance, supervisor….. When I stop to think about all the labels that seem to define my life I can’t wait to get back to my favourite: the one that doesn’t exist at all. Until my son learns to speak, his smile and the light in his eyes when I get home are all I need.

Kathryn Counsell-Hubbard

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