Cardamom Pod Roulette

Karen Fagan - 7 Aug 17

I find myself sending a text message which I should have sent over 3 weeks ago. Congratulating a friend for her new amazing job and for having the confidence to make a change. Instead I come out with a list of apologies -in a bullet point summery- of why I haven’t contacted her;

• ‘We had to have some deep and meaningful conversations at home’
• ‘We pulled out the sale of our house’
• ‘We have had to move out of our place as we have a building problems’
• ‘I have had a hideous kidney infection’
• ‘At least I’m not dead or in Prison!’

I’m sure a simple “sorry lovely, how is the new job?” Would have been fine. She suggests some wine and a catch up. Thank God she is a good friend, but what becomes dramatically obvious in the space of one message, is things aren’t ok and actually they haven’t been for quite some time.

The female elephant, the oldest and the biggest is called a Matriarch. She is easy to spot. Normally surrounded by other elephants in a crisis, the herd will rely on her to make the major decisions as to their course of action. Like humans, some elephants are born to be leaders. These are not always the matriarchs and the matriarch will need to establish her dominance with such ones.

I am from a long line of matriarchs. My Nanny who we lost at the start of the year was of course the first matriarch I remember. She was, God bless her, about 4 foot tall, remembered for her Indian house coat and her ability to make the best chapattis over the gas hob whilst trying not to set fire to them or the house. While everyone else was tucking in to a roast on a Sunday, my sisters and I were being treated to cardamom pod roulette in a biryani. As a child, I only ever remember overhearing conversations of her giving guidance, whether it was giving my sisters a telling off or working out what to do with her 3 sons. At 60, she was still traveling the world visiting the relatives that had slowly left India to find new homes from Australia to Canada. She was of course in my eyes, the greatest Matriarch of them all.

My Mum went on to raise 3 more matriarchs, for a good part on her own, and we all turned out to be healthy independent women, the influence of my Nanny being an inspiration to her. Whist my Sisters and I are very different, we are all aspiring leaders, we don’t settle for second best, we are the best. If you bit in the cardamom pod and didn’t react you were the best!

Cardamom pod roulette is where I am at the moment, enjoying life, but taking the wrong mouthful at any point could end up with an awkward situation not wanting to offend anyone. Swallowing it whole only to re-live the experience later or spit it out and react. The other option if course is to comb the plate for them before I take a confident move with the fork to the mouth.

Most moves I have made this year is the put it in my mouth and see what happens, but as the year goes on I find myself sifting through the rice ensuring there are no nasty surprises.

I find myself on the edge of either a complete melt down or a moment of clarity and brilliance. Either my world is calming down or I don’t know how to deal with it, but what I am sure of is that I know I need more time.

I have been a matriarch for years and for the first time I have to call upon my herd for help.

Those Sunday lunches as children were some of the best. No TV, just hours of tormenting our nanny in the kitchen, watching her roll out the chapattis ready for that big family lunch. Sitting there frozen, with legs up on the chair as the dog would lick our feet if they went on the floor. She didn’t care how long it took as long as everyone was eating together, with or without a fork was her mission. She didn’t care about who was there, estranged sons from Australia or aunts and uncles from India, it was her job to get that meal on the table. She dealt with one thing at a time.

Which is what I should do. Just one job at a time.

The Matriarch is not always born a leader, often, yes she does have the genetic makeup, but successful leaders earn respect through their wisdom, confidence and connections with other elephants and the ability to understand when they are doing just fine, and when sometimes they need a bit of help and just do one thing at a time.

Karen Fagan

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