Christmas As A Single Parent

teacuptoria - 20 Dec 16

I kissed his soft milky cheek one last time and inhaled the smell of his clean hair. I could feel the tears welling up inside me, threatening to spring from my eyes at any moment.

“Remember to go straight to sleep, so Father Christmas will come” I whispered gently, my voice wobbling with emotion.

He smiled with excitement and looked up firstly at me and then his daddy, who was holding him closely.

“He’ll be fine”, he reassured.

“I’ll see you tomorrow about 11 then”. I managed to murmur as I turned and started to walk towards my car.

I heard the front door close behind me.

I opened the car just as the tears I’d be holding back so fiercely, at last began to escape, tumbling from my eyes with abandon.

A loud sob escaped and I held my hands to my mouth to calm myself.

I looked over at the house and through the wintery window, I saw my 3-year-old boy dancing around happily with his father.

There was a woman there too, his new partner. The three of them looked like the perfect little family at Christmas.

My heart ached.

I watched them for a moment then wiped away my tears and began my journey home.

My sister was lovingly waiting with a big hug and an even bigger glass of wine.

“It’s only 12 hours,” I told myself, and then I’ll have him in my arms again for Christmas day.

That was the first Christmas eve I spent without my son and it is etched upon my memory. It has certainly gotten easier over time.

As a separated couple, we had agreed from the start that if his dad was 100% involved with our son’s life, then he should get to spend Christmas eves with him too, so we have always taken turns.

Christmas changed when I got divorced. At first it was tinged with sadness and envy as I watched other families with their seemingly perfect ‘togetherness’.

However, soon I began to adapt and started to make the most of the Christmas mornings where I’d wake up in my own time, to a calm house.

I was lucky that I lived with my sister so I never felt completely alone. We’d enjoy leisurely bacon sandwiches and bucks fizz as we opened our gifts, knowing that I’d be collecting my son in a few hours.

Sometimes the Christmas’ I actually had my boy were the hardest. I can remember a couple of Christmas mornings when it was just the two of us.

He woke up excited and giddy but I felt emotional and anxious, weighed down with an expectation that I didn’t feel I could fulfil on my own.

I remembered child hood Christmas’ as a family of five; my parents sitting blurry-eyed, watching me, my brother and my sister excitedly tear through our stockings, laughing and smiling with each other.

In comparison, Christmas mornings alone with my boy….just didn’t feel enough.

I used to sit there feeling sad, thinking he deserved to have both parents by his side and siblings to play with….as I had.

For a long time, I felt like I was letting him down.

My boy is 11 now and things have changed. He is no longer ‘a believer’ so the magic has gone but it some ways, this seems to have lightened the burden.

I no longer carry the weight of his expectations, which in the past, seemed to rest very heavily on my single parent shoulders.

He was supposed to be with his dad this Christmas eve but we’ve decided to swap as it’s going to work out nicer for my son… and that is always my priority.

He’ll spend Christmas eve with me and I’ll drop him off on Christmas morning. His father has invited his whole family over for Christmas dinner this year, so the house will be full of relatives and I wouldn’t want him to miss out on that.

He’ll also have his 4-year-old brother to play with all day which is something I can’t give him.

I’m hugely grateful that he’ll have some of the happy memories I still remember with such affection from my own childhood, even if I’m not there to share them.

As for me, I’ll be spending the day at my mums with my sister, nana and grandma. It will be like an episode of The Golden Girls.

I’ll enjoy a day of relaxing and spending precious time with the ladies I’m so blessed to have in my life.

I’ll be sat drinking my prosecco, eating far too much, safe in the knowledge that my boy is having a wonderful day and in 24 hours, we’ll be together again.

Christmas isn’t the same when you’re a single or separated parent but over time, I’ve learnt to count my blessings.

I focus on what I have, not what I don’t have and what I do have; my son, family, friends and my health, I couldn’t be more grateful for.

If you know a single parent who may be finding this time of year hard, why not reach out by inviting them over for a glass of wine or a meal.

They may be feeling that they aren’t enough….. when really they are everything.

teacuptoria

Poetry writing, doodling single mum re-writing her happily ever after.

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