Cut Out The Label

Tetyana Denford - 13 Sep 16

Yeah, I’m a sucker for labels, I admit it. I love a glossy Louboutin, a floaty Marant dress or a bottle of Moët. I have a closet with some fantastic names in it and a fridge with a couple stand-out bottles of booze. I’d happily tell someone (only if they ask me of course, I’m not a total weirdo), “oh yeah, it’s great I got it from (insert store name).” Labels can be good.

But labels about what kind of mother I am? Mmm yeah, that’s a tricky one. I really don’t need to be tagged with a brand and stuck in a box for the way I raise my kids, just because it’s slightly easier for society to understand me. 

I saw the film Bad Moms the other night. It was funny, slightly formulaic and predictably cute. However, without delving too deep into the meaning of a blockbuster comedy, what it did do was stick mums into divisive groups: The Perfect PTA Moms vs The Bad Moms. Which ultimately progressed to labelling both groups as “bad” at one point. Yeah, the film resolved the conflict in the glossy Hollywood way at the end and all the women learned a lesson of just being true to themselves and understanding one another. Applause. But um, why are we pointing fingers and saying “oh she’s that _____  mum, and I’m always the ____ mum”. Is that necessary? Who feels better by saying that? (Normally the person pointing the finger, trying to make sense of someone that they fear, they find intimidating or don’t understand.)

Hang on… before I unwittingly offend anyone, let me caveat this by saying I’m not trying to take food off of someone else’s table, and I think Selfish Mother has established a fantastic forum for women in all phases of their mothering life to share their experiences. And yes, there are a hell of a lot of strong and smart women in the headlines (some whom I know personally) that are making a good dime talking about all the different kinds of mothers we should be allowed to be. The “gin-swilling” mum, the “imperfect” mum, the “honest” mum, the “rock-and-roll” mum, the “young-hip-and-cool” mum, the “much-older” mum, the “sweary” mum, the “organic” mum, the “patient-and-perfect” mum (okay, maybe not that last one because let’s be honest that doesn’t actually exist unless you’re self-medicating with horse tranquillisers). Sure, those labels have definitely helped me realise that I’m not the only “shouty mum” or “wine-at-5pm mum” on the planet, and it’s comforting to know that.

Lately though, this “I’m a _____ mum” has reached a fever pitch; the crest of a wave of pent up emotions and dialogue that obviously women felt they had kept inside for so long and feel they have a platform to talk about now. In the 50s and 60s most women were almost literally stuck in white-picket-fence boxes, their roles never more than a few feet away from an oven with a roast in it, or a tube of red lipstick and a swing skirt. Back then it was unpopular to fight society’s expectations, so although we now glamourise having G&Ts at a playdate and romanticising that life was simpler (it wasn’t, really, just different in its ongoing battles), this was their day-to-day hamster wheel, it wasn’t any kind of label, it was one part of the reality of their life as a mother. Social media has blown that door open and allowed us all to have a say; a freedom of choice that to shout out that we AREN’T satisfied sitting around planning meals and ironing 4 loads of laundry, some of us have found freedom in the label and it’s allowed us to break free from the brown paper bag stereotype of “Mum”. I get it. It’s important.

But, the question I want to ask is, “what’s next?” As in.. “what’s next, once the labels get unpopular?” The backlash that happened years ago with the perception of “perfect motherhood”  and mothers dressing their kids in stain-free vintage gingham resulted in a lot of women saying “no, screw that, Motherhood is SO not perfect, my kids are annoying little jerks sometimes and I’m finally going to say something about it.” And now fast forward, and the backlash is beginning slowly with articles pushing back on how we’ve indulged in the badge of “Bad Mother”.

Just the other day, I saw an article in the Guardian, mocking the “fad” of being a “Bad Mother”; above the text was a picture of a bedraggled woman in an “I’m So Winging It” sweatshirt clutching a gin intravenous drip, blathering on about being a worse mother than her friends, like some kind of one-upmanship in mediocrity. It was funny because it was a bit of an extreme (and The Guardian mocking Molly Gunn means she’s done some important steps in making this kind of conversation an important and relevant issue), but I wonder if more specifically, we may start seeing the end of the “label” of what kind of Mothers we are and we’ll see a new door open to something even bigger, less pigeonholed and more diverse. 

In my 30s, I made the decision to become a mother. But, is that the only thing I want to be seen as? I am so much more complicated and interesting and weird and beautiful and layered… I’m not “bad” or “good” or “perfect” or “lazy” or “clever”. I just am, and I don’t need to justify “me” to anyone. The great thing about Selfish Mother is that I have been (along with countless other women) given a forum to talk about everything inside and outside the box of motherhood and womanhood. And maybe that’s the way forward, to see my role without boundaries and soundbites.

I know, how about the label: “I get to do whatever the hell I want as a mother without worrying that I need to fit into a trendy box”.  Yeah, that would work just fine for me. 

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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