D is for DEPRESSION

Debbie Tembo - 22 Aug 14

In light of the very sad and tragic death of Robin Williams, I have found myself thinking more often than not about the “D” word – depression and why it sometimes results in the devastating loss of beautiful people who were loved, but who felt utterly alone in the world. I think it’s because we don’t talk about it enough, we don’t share our experiences about how we are coping with it and about how we are dealing with our loved ones coping with it. We just don’t talk about it and we need to talk about it more, because it is a disorder that affects many people and it can be managed.

I suffer from post-natal depression, I have since the birth of my first child and up until today that chemical imbalance has never quite corrected itself. I remember the confusion I felt weeks after giving birth at the way that I was feeling. I mean, this was meant to be a happy time and don’t get me wrong, I was grateful for the miracle of life and for a healthy child, but somehow it wasn’t connecting for me and I wasn’t feeling the happiness factor that I’d heard about or that society expects of mothers during this time. In fact, I was one hot mess, but nobody knew, because I was keeping it inside for fear of what others might think. And so I carried my depression with me for a year or so, pushing through and forging on. Looking back on that year, I remember feeling utterly alone – you know that feeling when you’re surrounded by groups of mothers and babies at coffee mornings and playgroups, but you feel like you’re the only person in the room. It was like nobody was getting me and I wasn’t getting them and of course, that’s because nobody knew.

And then you get to a point where that burden is too heavy to carry and it’s crunch time. I remember my helping angel came from such an unlikely someone, because I didn’t know her very well, but she sat me down, looked me right in the eye, held my hand and said “you’re not okay and I know someone who can help you”. In that moment of empathy, my life changed and since then, I’ve been able to manage my disorder and be a loving and capable mother to my children. Depression, irrespective of its type, is a mental, emotional and psychological struggle to push through how you’re feeling to get the ordinary things in life done and live as normal a life as you can, but you can’t do it alone and as mothers, we need to be more open about it. We have to look after ourselves in order to effectively look after our little people, but we can’t do that if we’re suffering in silence.

I know that it’s easier said than done when it comes to opening up about how you’re feeling, but believe me when I say that “D” doesn’t stand for “dysfunctional or delusional” or any other negative word that people might want to label you as. In fact, “depression just means that you’ve been strong for too long” – it is a very real disorder that needs real management to help yourself get back to being who you truly are. There are different ways to manage it and part of working towards making yourself whole again is in recognising and understanding your symptoms – what are those things that trigger and contribute to when you’re feeling low, and then finding solutions to help either negate or manage those triggers.

Sometimes I have days that still overwhelm me and I still find myself asking “why me?”, “why am I still feeling this way?” and then I remember to do those things that work for me, that bring me back to who I am as a woman, a mother, a sister, a friend. These include: exercise (running, yoga, tennis), which releases those feel good endorphins; meditation – slowing my breath and calming my mind gives me perspective; meeting my girlfriends for a coffee or dinner at least once a month for a good girly chat; me-time – taking at least 30 minutes everyday to be by myself without my children doing whatever I want to do, like writing, reading, going for a manicure, walking in the city of London and people-watching, watching a movie, anything that makes me feel like me again.

I sometimes find myself wondering whether depression chose me, because even though there have been many blessings since, there is still so much personal growth to be done and I am filled with a sense of hope to not only help myself, but to help others who may be going through the same thing.

Debbie Tembo

I am Debbie, I am Mme (which means mother in Sesotho) and I am Me. I am Mme to two beautiful daughters, Lerato aged 5.5 years and Nia aged 3.5 years. I am South African-born, from the beautiful city of Cape Town, but London, UK is what I've been calling my home for the past 7 years. I am a marketing professional with work experience in the FMCG sector and in a strategic brand and innovation agency but since starting a family my career has been somewhat on ice. I started blogging as the first step in doing more for me and living out my personal mantra of "courage in my diversity over mediocrity". This is my journey, this is Mme and Me.

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