Daddy daycare

Naomi Jones - 27 Nov 17

I was on a (very rare) Spa day with my sister a few weeks ago and mentioned to the beauty therapist that I had two small boys. She asked if their dad was looking after them and I nodded. ‘Will he manage ok?’ she said. I answered that he would be fine. ‘It is hard for men though isn’t it?’ she replied.

Well no, actually. Sure, some dads are disinterested, irresponsible or unengaged. But the same can be said for some mums too. I don’t think a parent’s gender has anything to do with how competent they are at looking after their own children, but it does have a lot to do with how others perceive them.

After we had our first son, several people, mostly older, commented how hands on my husband was, how good he was with our son as he went off to change a nappy or pushed the buggy or burped him. But it wasn’t ever remarked upon when I did exactly the same day-to-day things that are all just part and parcel of being a parent. Only when they were being done by a man, were they suddenly worthy of comment.

In my Grandma’s generation, men weren’t expected to be hands on. Times have, thankfully, changed but parental equality is still a way off. I’m not sure my husband has ever been asked if his wife will be ok with the kids, or if he plans to keep working full time after having children for example.

Women are still pegged as being more nurturing, as having motherly instinct. But just because we fall pregnant and give birth, does not mean we automatically know what to do any more than men do. It is learnt. It is practice and trial and error and sometimes, a little bit of luck. But mostly it is teamwork. I did not have children all by myself. It takes a village, as they famously say.

I know not everyone conforms to the heterosexual stereotype, that there are some amazing single mothers and same sex couples raising children and I’m sure they face a whole different set of prejudiced throwaway comments. But right now it is the casual way we sometimes talk about fathers that infuriates me. It is at its core anti feminist because isn’t feminism all about equality? And yet here we are saying men are less capable of bringing up their children than women, or that they lack the will to do so? When clearly, neither is true. There are plenty of fantastic, hands on, involved fathers out there.

Suggesting men are somehow less able to parent than women is dangerous, because it perpetuates the myth that women need to do more work when raising children. It puts more pressure on mums, fails to hold men accountable and makes it harder for men to be hands on. Anyone else been to a place where the baby change unit is only located in the women’s toilets? We are doing a disservice to both genders.

If my boys choose to have families when they grow up, I hope society has moved on and that they are expected by everyone to be hands on parents, who share the domestic load, who are there through the sleepless nights as well as for the good times. Because being actively involved in your own child’s life shouldn’t be noteworthy, it should be normal.

Naomi Jones

Proud mum to two small boys, children's author and book reviewer. My debut picture book The Perfect Fit publishes in March 2021. I live in Cornwall with my husband, two boys and a very springy springer spaniel. @NaomiJones_1

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