Dear Friends,

Fiona Ng - 18 Oct 17

Dear Friends,

Part of me feels I should apologise for being a sucky friend but the other part of me can’t apologise as sometimes there’s seasons in life where you just have nothing to give.

Your not a mum yet so you don’t get it. I was you and had many friends go before me into their journey of motherhood and I wasn’t there for them either.

Of course I was excited for them, I’d ask the general pregnancy questions, show and interest and also pick out a gift for their future bundle of joy. But knowing what I know now that wasn’t enough.

A new mum needs grace and lots of it. We may not text back, we may suggest meeting up but never follow through. We may cancel last minute, we may come across as we don’t care about the friendship anymore.

We do care it’s just you don’t get it and In those early days you need someone who gets you. When you are utterly exhausted with sleep deprivation the last thing you want to do is reply to a text message. We may have every intention to want to meet up with you but know that a good conversation is not going to happen amongst crying children and nappy changes so decide to hold out for a time to be ‘child free’ but that time never comes.

We may cancel last minute as we have been up all night dealing with dioreah and sickness and fighting with our partners so on that day when we were meant to meet a duvet day is easier than leaving the house.

I want to tell my friends I do care about you but sometimes I just don’t have enough minutes in the day to reach out to you. Of course I mourn that old me, the carefree me, the one who spent hours getting ready each morning and had a shower and washed her hair. I mourn the part of me that just walked out the front door with only my lipstick and car keys in hand. I mourn that spontaneous me that would call you and arrange a last minute night out or call over for dinner.

I hate social media and the way that it fools us into feeling connected even though we aren’t connected. I do apologise for that as we can’t know what’s really going on in each other’s lives behind filters and carefully thought out captions. Yes I should pick up the phone more often and ask how you are. I should make some space in my diary for you and I should at least tell you I still care.

Motherhood is the hardest season I have ever been in but the best and most cherished. My girls as you know are my whole world. Motherhood is harder than a university degree, harder than working 40 hours a week and harder than planning a wedding. It’s full time, 24/7, its unpredictable, its spontaneous sick days like a domino affect on the whole family, it’s empty bank accounts, its unwashed hair and yesterday’s makeup. It’s feeling disconnected and on the brink of divorce with your husband as you don’t have time for one another and it’s lonely at playgroups as you look around and think is this my life?

Stick with me through the season and I promise you I will repay you. I will be the friend blowing up your phone after you have your own child to ask mentally how are you coping? I’ll be that friend to leave you a care package for the postpartum period that includes mountains of chocolate and mummy treats for those days when your hormones get to much. I will be that friend that comes with you to the doctors when your anxious about every little thing wrong with your baby. I will be that friend that brings you a meal as you and your husband are too tired to cook and can’t face ordering fast food for another night. I’ll be that friend that understands if I don’t hear or see you for three months. I’ll be that friend that spontaneously sends you flowers to brighten up your day. I’ll be that friend that gets it. That gets you.

So all I ask for that grace and I ask for that empathy. I know it can’t be easy feeling like you have lost a friend but know at times I’ve lost myself.

Fiona Ng

Newcastle upon Tyne. Mum to daughters age (3) and (1) Entrepreneur, Writer, Conscious Parenting Coach

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