Did you say we were going in a plane?

Karen Fagan - 16 Jul 17

I don’t have a fear of flying, really I don’t, or fast cars or even for putting my foot down a little with the babies in the car to get through an orange light. The consequence of stopping at red, breaths more fear than does acceleration. 

My 2 ½ year old has a stock answer to why he has performed in a cheeky manor; “the barr barr black sheep did it”. His fear and commitment to why he did it is blamed on an urban ledgend. A fictional character that told him it was ok to be mischievous. But as adults we make a choice to either conform or blame the way we behave on others. The choices we make are based on a balanced judgement, past experience and emotional rationale. 

The mummy fear factor is one that no one can educate you about, its a gut feeling, a instinct of fear that your children will grow up without you. No NCT or baby group will ever tell you about the grief of potential loss if you do something that will risk your life. More the emotional rationale behind doing something. 

In the space of a month I have been emotionally challenged twice between Corporate Karen and Mummy Karen. Making decisions how my corporate life could impact my family. 

But at the end off the day its my adult educated mind, ‘not the barr barr black sheep’ that makes the decision whether I take that risk or turn it down. I have a naughty switch, when someone tells me ‘No’, I will find a way around it, physically, an open window, mentality, a way to get what I want. Does being a mum mean I have to switch the switch off? 

I’ve just got home from an exceptional business trip, driving a high performance engine, despite the fact I wont actually drive overseas, I select my driver based on our relationship and experience. But I have still decided to get in the high performance car in the torrential rain and fog. He is an amazing driver but I have made the decision to take the risk to retain my corporate title and be Corporate Karen, this is my choice I can say no. All risk is my responsibility not the barr barr black sheep’s”. But why does the feeling of fear fill me? I made this choice and yet the babies faces are projected to the head up display at over 150 km an hour!

Challenging the emotional rationale, the dependence on the internal risk assessment and images of my children was no more prevalent then taking to the sky in a tiny plane, to see an automotive track from the sky. What is deemed as the most incredible experience in the world in automotive left me clinging to the seatbelt, unable to speak for 20 minutes and internally praying that I would see my children again. Mummy Karen took over, fear struck and 5000 feet up. Whilst the pre-baby Karen would have jumped out of the plane, holding my pantsuit to create wings! Motherhood had provided an additional fear of self preservation, something I never knew existed. Whist the Naughty switch was on full, the internal risk assessment tripped the system and at 15000 feet I was terrified. 

But no one made me get in that plane, I did it out of choice, a chance to experience something new. To feel human and alive after 2 years of maternity. 

My fictional character, the one that switches the naughty switch on, is me three years ago. It’s not a loss of identity, just a want for normality. Who made me do it? Well, me and I’m ok with that. However if any one asks me… “the barr barr black sheep did it”. 

Karen Fagan

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