Why Dads Matter…

Fiona Ng - 13 Nov 17

I read a blog recently titled ‘We are torturing new mums’ and whilst I agree with the majority of pointers where the article was talking about how new mums have a tough time, how sleep deprivation is a method of torture and how mums can be affected by mental illness when they are subject to such sleep deprivation. One thing that stood out from the article is that dads get a bad rap when it comes to parenting.

This isn’t something new I’ve picked up on and my husband and I already joke about the stereotyping between mums and dads and how even on Peppa Pig, Daddy Pig is a complete imbecile, always forgetting things “Oh silly Daddy” Peppa constantly exclaims, whilst Mummy Pig is always right. To put it frank Daddy Pig is just fat, lazy and stupid.

We women generally tend to be better at expressing our emotions, finding outlets such as blogging, social media, online forums and mum groups to connect with others. I know this isn’t the case for all women but we sure find more opportunities to open up then men.

Dads get forgotten about as soon as a pregnancy is announced. It’s all about how is the woman feeling? How she is coping with the bodily changes? The woman becomes the primary focus. There are the baby showers, the pregnancy massages, the prenatal yoga sessions and all the fuss that we women relish. There is no denying that pregnancy can be tough and us women ARE deserving of all the pampering that we get should we want it. I just often think that men get forgotten about.

There are the midwife and health visitor appointments where we are questioned around our mental wellbeing and we are encouraged and given the opportunity to open up on this. Granted there is so much more that can be done to support pregnant women and new mums especially in areas such as prenatal and postnatal depression however when is the man asked about his mental health? When is the dad asked how he is coping and whether he needs any support?

And did you know men are also affected by postnatal depression?

‘Research from NCT found that more than 1 in 3 new fathers (38%) are concerned about their mental health. In general, studies have shown that one in 10 dads has PND and fathers also appear to be more likely to suffer from depression three to six months after their baby is born.’

The article continues,

“Then, when the father goes back to work after his 2 weeks of paternity leave, it is perfectly acceptable in our society for her to say “I’ll do the night feeds, because you have to work all day”. She isn’t understanding the value, the necessity, of her sleep for her mental health. Neither is the father, or the health visitor, or society in general. Her sleep debt builds, increasing the risk to her mental health.”

Again there are many truths to this, although even from a women’s perspective I find that this is insulting to the dad to say that he is not understanding of a new mums needs. The majority of the time the dad reluctantly goes back to work after two weeks and does so because he is providing for the family and has no other choice. He goes back to work after those two weeks in a haze of sleep deprivation and confusion whilst he tries to come to terms with such a huge life changing event.

I always remember my husband telling me that he once drove fifteen miles in the wrong direction to work before he stopped and realised because he was just so tired. He also felt inadequate and stupid in work for a long time because he was forgetting basic things such as passwords and diary appointments all because he had brain fog from the lack of sleep.

I often feel guilty because I know my husband has days where he is more sleep deprived than me. He gets up in the night just as much as me (if not more). In the early days he volunteered to do night shifts so I could get at least six to eight hours sleep because he was always concerned about my well-being. This continued even when he went back to work.

I have witnessed my husband sleeping on our daughter’s floor with just a blanket in attempts to calm our daughter down from a nightmare to settle her back to sleep. I have woken in the middle of the night to find he isn’t in the bed because he may be downstairs getting our daughter another bottle of milk or doing a midnight nappy change. He doesn’t wake me to do these things, nor does he expect me to. He sees parenting as team work and he is definitely a brilliant team player.

This isn’t a blog to say my husband is better than yours but to stick up for my husband and all the other good dads out there as they do get a bad rap and I know men aren’t always as good at expressing their thoughts and emotions or seeking out help if they need it.

I want to know about how is the dad’s mental health? Dads don’t speak up and dads don’t often get among their friends and talk out their feelings.

I see how hard my husband works. I see how he is mentally and physically exhausted he is but will ALWAYS have mine and my daughter’s best interest first.

I see how he goes to the supermarket after work to grab a few groceries despite just wanting to get home and unwind. I see all the cancelled social events he doesn’t go to because he’s tired or he feels guilty that he is out enjoying himself. I see the gym sessions he misses because I’m tired so he rushes home from work so I can nap. I see when he gets up early with our daughters on a weekend and lets me sleep in for as long as I like. I see how he cleans the kitchen in the morning before I wake up. I see him struggle when he is ill but he doesn’t mention it until he is really really ill and has nothing left in the tank. I see how he is also extremely sleep deprived!

Maybe part of the purpose of this blog is to apologise to my husband because I don’t thank him enough for being such a good father. I know new mums have issues but so do dads.

I don’t think we should get into this mums v’s dad argument. We all have different capacities and capabilities and we all experience our fair share of ups and downs as a parent and the moment we start pulling our partner apart and not appreciating the things that they do is the moment we disconnect from them.

My husband often features in my blogs where I ramble on about him and our relationship and he sometimes gets a good bashing (with his permission to publish) but there’s no denying he is an exceptional dad and goes above and beyond for our family.

Let’s take a moment to celebrate our children’s fathers and show some appreciation as I know I need to more than I currently do!

Fiona Ng

Newcastle upon Tyne. Mum to daughters age (3) and (1) Entrepreneur, Writer, Conscious Parenting Coach

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