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View as: GRID LIST

WHO’S JUDGING?

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Isn’t it strange… that once we have kids many of us start to feel judged?

This feeling crops up regularly and can be about anything; all it needs is a glance from a stranger or a comment from a friend and we feel how we do things is being called into question.

It could be about how we feed our kids; if we have a career or are full-time mums; if we smoke or drink when in charge of children; if our baby uses a dummy; if our child swears within earshot of strangers; if we accidentally yell at them in public; if their school uniform is dirty; if

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we’re late for a parent’s evening .. etc.

We feel judged by strangers, by family, by friends, by the media. It’s exhausting, because we’re all just trying to do the right thing… right?

BUT, I’ve been wondering how much we’re actually judged and how much is mild, parent-paranoia. The problem about feeling judged is that we never actually know what someone else is thinking, and so it’s hard to tell if we’re being judged at all (however good we are at reading expressions). We’re just guessing.

A quick straw poll of my friends reveals

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more of them feel judged than make a habit of judging others. It doesn’t take a mathematician to see the sums don’t add up.

Maybe we’re not being judged as much as we think. We’ve all got better things to do.

My new rule of thumb is not to judge others and to stop assuming that I am being judged. If I catch a glance from a stranger, or think a comment is weighted from a friend – to try to consider what else they might be thinking instead of assuming the worse.

Here are a few examples:

Scenario A: You give your son a packet of Wotsits and

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notice someone watching you do it. You feel like they’re judging you for not feeding your child healthily.
What they’re really thinking: ”Ooh, I could murder a Wotsit.”

Scenario B: A man stares at you while your toddler has a tantrum in the supermarket. You feel judged for not being able to control your child.
What they’re really thinking: ”Poor woman. Should I intervene, or would she call Security?”

Scenario C: A woman asks if you’re ’still breastfeeding’ when you pick up a glass of wine at a party, and you feel you’re being judged

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both for drinking and for not breastfeeding any more.
What they’re really thinking: ”I remember the day I gave up breastfeeding, I felt so free I downed a bottle of Champagne.”

Scenario D: You give your toddler his milk in a bottle while staying at a friend’s house. You feel judged because he’s too old for a bottle and should be using a beaker.
What they’re really thinking: ”I can’t wait until the kids area in bed and we can order that curry.”

Yup, you’ve got the gist- most people are far too busy thinking about themselves or their own

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personal experiences to waste their time judging us. In fact, 9 out of 10 times they’re either feeling a bit sorry for us or thinking about something else completely.

And in the odd instance that someone might be judgmental… well, who cares what they think anyway?

 

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- 9 Oct 13

Isn’t it strange… that once we have kids many of us start to feel judged?

This feeling crops up regularly and can be about anything; all it needs is a glance from a stranger or a comment from a friend and we feel how we do things is being called into question.

It could be about how we feed our kids; if we have a career or are full-time mums; if we smoke or drink when in charge of children; if our baby uses a dummy; if our child swears within earshot of strangers; if we accidentally yell at them in public; if their school uniform is dirty; if we’re late for a parent’s evening .. etc.

We feel judged by strangers, by family, by friends, by the media. It’s exhausting, because we’re all just trying to do the right thing… right?

BUT, I’ve been wondering how much we’re actually judged and how much is mild, parent-paranoia. The problem about feeling judged is that we never actually know what someone else is thinking, and so it’s hard to tell if we’re being judged at all (however good we are at reading expressions). We’re just guessing.

A quick straw poll of my friends reveals more of them feel judged than make a habit of judging others. It doesn’t take a mathematician to see the sums don’t add up.

Maybe we’re not being judged as much as we think. We’ve all got better things to do.

My new rule of thumb is not to judge others and to stop assuming that I am being judged. If I catch a glance from a stranger, or think a comment is weighted from a friend – to try to consider what else they might be thinking instead of assuming the worse.

Here are a few examples:

Scenario A: You give your son a packet of Wotsits and notice someone watching you do it. You feel like they’re judging you for not feeding your child healthily.
What they’re really thinking: “Ooh, I could murder a Wotsit.”

Scenario B: A man stares at you while your toddler has a tantrum in the supermarket. You feel judged for not being able to control your child.
What they’re really thinking: “Poor woman. Should I intervene, or would she call Security?”

Scenario C: A woman asks if you’re ‘still breastfeeding’ when you pick up a glass of wine at a party, and you feel you’re being judged both for drinking and for not breastfeeding any more.
What they’re really thinking: “I remember the day I gave up breastfeeding, I felt so free I downed a bottle of Champagne.”

Scenario D: You give your toddler his milk in a bottle while staying at a friend’s house. You feel judged because he’s too old for a bottle and should be using a beaker.
What they’re really thinking: “I can’t wait until the kids area in bed and we can order that curry.”

Yup, you’ve got the gist- most people are far too busy thinking about themselves or their own personal experiences to waste their time judging us. In fact, 9 out of 10 times they’re either feeling a bit sorry for us or thinking about something else completely.

And in the odd instance that someone might be judgmental… well, who cares what they think anyway?

 

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Molly Gunn is the Curator of Goodness at Selfish Mother, a site she created for likeminded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for publications including Red, Stella, Grazia, Net-A-Porter and ELLE. She now edits Selfish Mother and creates #GoodTees which are sold via TheFMLYStore.com and John Lewis and have so far raised £650K for charity. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 5, Fox, 3 and baby Liberty. Molly is married to Tom, aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live, work and play in Somerset.

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