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View as: GRID LIST

Doing Absolutely Nothing

1
There seems to be a quite a lot of images in popular TV ads that centre around the notion of Mums and ‘Me Time’. The idea being that Mum’s are continually searching for a precious ten minutes when they can flop down into a chair with a cup of hot chocolate/ cake/ whatever. Or alternately flop into a hot bath with candles, bubbles and more chocolate. I used to watch these ads and think. ‘Who are these people? Who eats chocolate in the bath? But then I thought well maybe it’s relevant for Mums and when I’m a Mum I’ll understand and chocolate
SelfishMother.com
2
in the bath will be a real treat.’

In reality since becoming a Mum I haven’t had one bath/chocolate experience. And before becoming a Mum I never had a specific ‘Me Time’ ritual. In reality my whole life was one long ME TIME. It wasn’t unusual for me to think about foundation for five minutes a day. Or sometimes I’d walk down the street wondering if my skin type was combination or oily (of course I’d also be worrying about serious things, like the crisis in the Middle East). At other times I’d lie in bed thinking about whether wearing

SelfishMother.com
3
trainers with a skirt was okay or whether a Barbour jacket made me look like Clarissa Dickson Wright. I analysed every human interaction and came to the conclusion everyone hated me. I read the calorie content on Pret Sandwiches. I even bought the Gwyneth cookbook and thought about making some salads with ‘arugula’ – once I understood what the hell ‘arugula’ was.

The truth is you don’t really appreciate how much ‘Me Time’ you have until it’s gone. The meandering, wasteful thinking time. The time considering nonsense. And I’m not

SelfishMother.com
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saying that now I’m a parent I have no time. I have one child, not three. I have a really good partner who shares the load and cooks great food. I only work part-time. And the reality is I usually have a full two hours once my daughter has gone to bed (though my bedtime seems to be getting earlier every week). And that’s not including the naps during the day (her naps not mine).

The issue is how I use this time. It feels more precious. I feel obligated to use it wisely. Sitting in a hot bath, eating chocolate isn’t of much value. Thinking about

SelfishMother.com
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Barbour jackets and foundation isn’t right. I need to do something creative. Or physically demanding. Or career orientated. I should be writing a novel. Or doing the type of high intensity exercise that gives you a heart attack. I need to be cooking something delicious that doesn’t contain pasta.

Perhaps reading one of my child-rearing books so I can finally tackle the problem I have trying to get my daughter into her buggy without smacking, swearing or shoving raisins into her screeching mouth. I’d like to go on ASOS and see if I can find a

SelfishMother.com
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kimono top but the laptop is sitting there so I can plot my bestseller. I finally have some ‘arugula’ in my fridge but it’s going all mouldy.

All these options put me into a state of paralysis. So I can no longer sit and watch ‘Vanderpump Rules’ on Lifetime HD (well I can but I’m conscious that this is incredibly wasteful).

Whether you have kids or not there is an increasing pressure to make each moment matter. It’s rare to stare out the window looking at the clouds. Even if you do you’re probably thinking ‘Right that’s two

SelfishMother.com
7
minutes ‘cloud watching’ now I need to check my email’. And this gets worse once you have kids because you feel more pressure to make the moment meaningful. There’s less moments. Pre-motherhood, I never really felt guilty about watching crap on TV. I never felt the pressure to cram things in. I knew I should do something more useful and productive but there was always time for that later.

It seems like some of my friends have very low expectations when it come to ‘Me Time’- they basically class ‘eating a sandwich on my own’ as quality

SelfishMother.com
8
time or the fact that they’ve washed their hair and put some make up on. One of my friends was happy because she’d finally shaved her legs. These friends usually have more than one child or a young baby. I remember that feeling of being really happy that I had clean hair. The ambition to write a novel or run a half-marathon is just ridiculous when you can barely eat a bowl of cereal without weeping from tiredness.

But I guess when you start to come out the other side of motherhood, when they are just over a year, when you start to regain a sense

SelfishMother.com
9
of your own identity (not just a milking, nappy changing automaton) then thoughts turn to who you are and what you want. And how you spend your time is a big part of that. I look at my old self and think ‘ God – did you really spend time worrying about how big your pores were?’

Sometimes it’s okay to switch off when you’ve got the opportunity. In fact as a parent you need that time. Time when you’re not thinking about what they’ve eaten for tea, whether the rash on their chin is tomato related or something serious. Or worrying about the

SelfishMother.com
10
night ahead when you know she might wake up and you’ll be held hostage for hours. So if that means reality TV so be it. Or sitting in a hot bath eating a bucket of chocolate… do it. Don’t feel bad. You probably don’t.

It’s probably just me.

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- 8 Oct 14

There seems to be a quite a lot of images in popular TV ads that centre around the notion of Mums and ‘Me Time’. The idea being that Mum’s are continually searching for a precious ten minutes when they can flop down into a chair with a cup of hot chocolate/ cake/ whatever. Or alternately flop into a hot bath with candles, bubbles and more chocolate. I used to watch these ads and think. ‘Who are these people? Who eats chocolate in the bath? But then I thought well maybe it’s relevant for Mums and when I’m a Mum I’ll understand and chocolate in the bath will be a real treat.’

In reality since becoming a Mum I haven’t had one bath/chocolate experience. And before becoming a Mum I never had a specific ‘Me Time’ ritual. In reality my whole life was one long ME TIME. It wasn’t unusual for me to think about foundation for five minutes a day. Or sometimes I’d walk down the street wondering if my skin type was combination or oily (of course I’d also be worrying about serious things, like the crisis in the Middle East). At other times I’d lie in bed thinking about whether wearing trainers with a skirt was okay or whether a Barbour jacket made me look like Clarissa Dickson Wright. I analysed every human interaction and came to the conclusion everyone hated me. I read the calorie content on Pret Sandwiches. I even bought the Gwyneth cookbook and thought about making some salads with ‘arugula’ – once I understood what the hell ‘arugula’ was.

The truth is you don’t really appreciate how much ‘Me Time’ you have until it’s gone. The meandering, wasteful thinking time. The time considering nonsense. And I’m not saying that now I’m a parent I have no time. I have one child, not three. I have a really good partner who shares the load and cooks great food. I only work part-time. And the reality is I usually have a full two hours once my daughter has gone to bed (though my bedtime seems to be getting earlier every week). And that’s not including the naps during the day (her naps not mine).

The issue is how I use this time. It feels more precious. I feel obligated to use it wisely. Sitting in a hot bath, eating chocolate isn’t of much value. Thinking about Barbour jackets and foundation isn’t right. I need to do something creative. Or physically demanding. Or career orientated. I should be writing a novel. Or doing the type of high intensity exercise that gives you a heart attack. I need to be cooking something delicious that doesn’t contain pasta.

Perhaps reading one of my child-rearing books so I can finally tackle the problem I have trying to get my daughter into her buggy without smacking, swearing or shoving raisins into her screeching mouth. I’d like to go on ASOS and see if I can find a kimono top but the laptop is sitting there so I can plot my bestseller. I finally have some ‘arugula’ in my fridge but it’s going all mouldy.

All these options put me into a state of paralysis. So I can no longer sit and watch ‘Vanderpump Rules’ on Lifetime HD (well I can but I’m conscious that this is incredibly wasteful).

Whether you have kids or not there is an increasing pressure to make each moment matter. It’s rare to stare out the window looking at the clouds. Even if you do you’re probably thinking ‘Right that’s two minutes ‘cloud watching’ now I need to check my email’. And this gets worse once you have kids because you feel more pressure to make the moment meaningful. There’s less moments. Pre-motherhood, I never really felt guilty about watching crap on TV. I never felt the pressure to cram things in. I knew I should do something more useful and productive but there was always time for that later.

It seems like some of my friends have very low expectations when it come to ‘Me Time’- they basically class ‘eating a sandwich on my own’ as quality time or the fact that they’ve washed their hair and put some make up on. One of my friends was happy because she’d finally shaved her legs. These friends usually have more than one child or a young baby. I remember that feeling of being really happy that I had clean hair. The ambition to write a novel or run a half-marathon is just ridiculous when you can barely eat a bowl of cereal without weeping from tiredness.

But I guess when you start to come out the other side of motherhood, when they are just over a year, when you start to regain a sense of your own identity (not just a milking, nappy changing automaton) then thoughts turn to who you are and what you want. And how you spend your time is a big part of that. I look at my old self and think ‘ God – did you really spend time worrying about how big your pores were?’

Sometimes it’s okay to switch off when you’ve got the opportunity. In fact as a parent you need that time. Time when you’re not thinking about what they’ve eaten for tea, whether the rash on their chin is tomato related or something serious. Or worrying about the night ahead when you know she might wake up and you’ll be held hostage for hours. So if that means reality TV so be it. Or sitting in a hot bath eating a bucket of chocolate… do it. Don’t feel bad. You probably don’t.

It’s probably just me.

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I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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