Don’t be a twonk, be amazing…

Helen Morris - 18 Mar 16

1. Go to the doctor – don’t be embarrassed, or feel like you’re bothering them about yourself or your child. Trust your instinct. Even if it’s your toosh and you know they’re going to stick a digit in it.
2. Do some proper naughty stuff in your teens/early twenties. Not wildly illegal but the sort of thing you’ll laugh about when you tell your future husband/confess to your family years later. Then do it again in your thirties and forties. I can give you some ideas?
3. Don’t show off. Be proud of talents or achievements (actual stuff), but don’t blather on about your 5* holiday, new wheels, excess ‘spare time’ etc. Bore off. Be humble or share the love.
4. If you’re arriving late at a wedding, do not wear spindly heels and get them caught in the church grate at the bottom of the aisle. Especially if you’re wearing a bright yellow dress.
5. Try not to be late to everything always. If you figure this one out, let me know the secret.
6. Brush your hand through the bushes and crush lavender from people’s front gardens (not an innuendo). It smells frickin amazing and all the better for having been a smidge cheeky.
7. DO sit on a chair that says ‘don’t sit on’, run on the grass it tells you to ‘keep off’ and most importantly you MUST roll down hills at all great National Trust houses.
8. Experiment with your hair, go on. One day it’ll lose its lustre. You can look back and laugh and your children will mock but admire your daring.
9. Hear your inner voice and make considered decisions about whether to go with it or not. <I have just smacked myself for writing that.> I first ‘heard’ mine properly when I was about 25 years old and it was telling me that the dreamy actor boyfriend (who believed in angels) I was shacked up with was definitely not ‘the one’. It took me a while to get there, but it was right. Where was the bloody voice when I was peeing behind bins and wearing hotpants in 1995?
10. Be kind. For goodness’ sake, of all things be kind. Pick a kind partner, show your children how to be kind. Be kind to insects, shopkeepers and older folk.
11. Be observant. Look up. Have you noticed tree tops look like the inside of your lungs and wondered if they look the same underneath the ground? Watch not just the person talking, but the people’s faces around them.
12. Don’t do things that make you feel uncomfortable, you don’t need to.
13. If you reeeeeeaally love it, proper love, buy it. You won’t regret it.
14. Wear the paper hat at Christmas. Go fancy dress BIG or go home.
15. Do it. Try it. Sing in the car, sing in the shower. But sing, do not hum. Please. Mmmmm.
16. Keep the friends that make you laugh until you’re either going to fall over or pee yourself. It’s exercise. For real.
17. Challenge your perceptions. I’ve been guilty of judging ‘a book by its cover’ (someone is a book-worm or a bit Footballer’s Wives). Bad dog. Judgemental, small minded, bad doggy. Fill your ‘contacts’ with all different folk and call them (or text) for a walk/drink/chat/playdate/ new exhibition. You can ‘date’ friends.
18. Joke about all the things that made you laugh as a kid: wee, poo, bums, willies, foo-foos. It never grows old and neither should we.
19. If you tend to fall down stairs sober, do not stand near them after a sherbet, especially when there’s ‘oil’ on those stairs (bambi legs, high heels, camera recording).
20. Don’t read lists. Unless you’re taking a short break from being earth-shatteringly awesome and needed a moment filler.

Helen Morris

A thirty-ish working mother to Gumdrops (2 years) and the Bear (4 years). Amateur spinner of multiple plates. Penny sweet connoisseur. EBay fanatic. Freelance marketing/permanent wife, mother and guilt bearer (the sweets help). Bodging my way through it all with fish-fingers and fluffy PlayDoh.

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