DON’T SETTLE FOR LESS

Karen - 14 Apr 15

She discovered his drug addiction when she was pregnant. She’d ignored all the signs for months. The late nights, the late mornings or simply not even returning home. The mood swings, the volatile behaviour, the highs, the lows and the secrets.

When she finally questioned him, he denied it. From that instant the trust was gone and the relationship was doomed.  She was 5 months pregnant.

She asked him to stop. He said he would and she believed him. But he just learnt to hide it better. But she persevered. She had visions of their ‘family’ and their first baby together. Now she prayed this child would ‘solve’ his addiction. Fatherhood would bring back the man she had met surely. He’d stop this silly game he had become involved in. They would be a happy family unit.

When she gave birth for an instant they bonded again as they gazed upon this small being they had made together. They cried and they laughed and she thought everything would be ok.  But 12 hours later as she lay alone in the hospital waiting for him to return from ‘something he had to do’ she realised that perhaps she was expecting too much?

He first hit her when the baby was just a few weeks old. As she breastfed he held her by the throat and slapped her. She had only asked where he’d been all night. She cuddled her small daughter and sobbed.  The happy family vision disappeared and she realised she was in this alone.  Trust and now respect were lost. Another nail in the coffin.  But what was the alternative? Her head told her to leave. Her raging hormones and heart just wanted life to return to normal. I’ll change he promised. She had to believe him.

But he didn’t. He tried but he couldn’t or wouldn’t. She grew suspicious and paranoid. She questioned his every move. She checked his phone and his pockets. She grew tired and sad. She wanted to leave. She wanted to stay. She just wanted things to be normal. He grew more distant and his lies got bigger. The addiction sparked other issues – debt, aggression and infidelities.

All her illusions about happy families and motherhood seemed tarred by the drug. She blamed cocaine on everything that went wrong. If only he would stop he would change. She asked him and she begged him and she ordered him. Nothing worked. She knows now that it wasn’t that simple. He blamed her and she blamed herself. She felt like a failure.

When child number two arrived she had hit rock bottom. She rarely smiled and she now lied about their relationship to the outside world. She felt weary, weak and so tired. She felt trapped and scared. She had no idea when a truth was a lie or a lie was a truth.

Her children were her life. She protected them from the bad days and she relished the good days. She trod on eggshells to keep the peace. She would smile through tears, play with toys as he stormed out the door or sing them to sleep when he failed to come home for bedtime. Her toddler would cling to daddy as he shouted at mummy looking at her quietly with ‘you’ve obviously been naughty mummy’ eyes. It was becoming the norm and acceptable.  It made her weep inside.

They say everyone has their limits. One day she thankfully reached hers.  She realised as long as she allowed the behaviour to continue she was enabling the situation. It was time to break free for all their sakes. She knew that no one else would end the cycle and so she had to be the one to stand up and stop it.

So she told him to leave and on a wave of threats and abuse he finally agreed.  At that point her strength began to return. The control was broken and she began to claw back some of her life.

Single parenting was tough but also easier in a lot of ways.  The first year was difficult as they both adapted to their new roles apart and dealt with their own emotions and demons.  After a year or so of turmoil he accepted the situation and became a good part time dad. Her days were filled with work, survival and children. But she began to smile again.

One day her daughter, then aged 4, said to her: “Why don’t you and daddy live together anymore?”

She said: “Some mummies and daddies live together for ever. Some don’t.  People change and sometimes they need to live apart so they can be good parents and happier people. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love their children. Because they do. Very, very much.  It has nothing to do with how they feel about you.  Why, are you sad daddy doesn’t live with us anymore?”

“No.“ she said: “Because you cried a lot when daddy was here and now you don’t.”

Simple.

She was determined to never return to the place she had been. They needed to be the adults and focus on the children.  Strangely without the addiction affecting her life, she and he became friends again. A new lady eventually came into his life and a new man came in her life.

The children thrived to see their parents getting on. Sharing a coffee or talking about school reports or activities. Pick-ups and drop-offs were no longer tinged with dread and the children flitted between parents with ease and smiles.

One morning she woke up and realised that the life she had ‘existed’ in for those four years belonged to another person. She no longer felt resentful or bitter. She had forgiven him, because if she didn’t, the anger, regret and bitterness would only affect her.  So she boxed up that period of her life and moved it to one side.

So the person she had become disappeared and I returned.

Who knows why my life had taken the completely unexpected path it did. All I know is that things happen for a reason. It taught me about survival and strength but also about addiction, weakness and sadness. The past hasn’t left any scars, just an appreciation for what I have now.

After a couple of amicable years of separation my children’s father died.  A heart condition he never knew he had.  My children were devastated and I grieved for them and for me and the good times we once shared.

The kids being so young, have no knowledge and remember very little of their father’s past and I have no desire to tarnish his memory. Maybe when they are much older and they have questions then I may need to provide some answers.  But hopefully they will never have a reason to ask.

I am glad we managed to make peace. What happened shouldn’t. But it did. There is little to gain by dwelling on why or how. Acceptance takes time. But it’s worth it.

Couples often stay together ‘for the children’s sake’. But unless you are truly happy then how can you really show your children happiness.  You may smile and laugh on the outside and pretend to others and indeed to yourself that you are happy, but children have the ability to see into your core and if they see sadness in your soul you are busted.

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

Karen

Karen Southall is married with two kids, a boy of 12 and a girl of 15. She lives in a rural village in Southern Spain and writes about gambling for a B2B publication and freelances about glamping and alternative living via TwoStepsFreelance.

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