Also, if you know the real me, you’ll know I’ve had, periods of depression and anxiety. Not just anxiousness about tangible stuff, like a driving test (let’s not mention that) but free floating anxiety that permeates everything, leaving me paralysed with fear for NO reason. It renders me incapable of concentrating or functioning other than on a basic level.

It has the capacity take over whenever I feel emotionally overwhelmed, like feeling permanently angry at everything, exploding at my husband and my kids for no reason. Then feel sick with guilt.

My earliest memories of of anxiety (although I had no idea that’s what it was) are from my childhood. Feeling nervous at a new school and intensely panicked during a bout of cystitis if I wasn’t within a few feet of a loo.

As an adult, anxiety reared its ugly head in the form of what friends and I would call “booze blues”. That morning-after misery most people are familiar with. But the proper, hit-you-like-a-ton-of-bricks anxiety arrived when I went through the time which I call Cancer-gate. My Nana and my Mum were both diagnosed with cancer and within 2 months my Nana (who everyone expected to pull through) was dead, my mum had had a mastectomy and was on her second round of Chemo. That time is almost a blur of fear in my memory.

I didn’t turn to drugs though. It never occurred to me at that point. I saw a counsellor but she didn’t help much. I knew that anxiety was a common side effect of grief and I thought it would go at some point. It wasn’t until a year later that I started to feel more and more desolate and insular despite my Mum doing brilliantly.

I realised I was depressed. I had lost interest in everything and was crying all the time. So I went to the doctor who prescribed 20mg Citalopram. Six weeks later, I felt normal again. Not super-happy… just… normal. I had no idea how not normal I’d been feeling until I felt like me again. That was 11 years ago.

Cancer-gate left a lot of emotional scars and I spent a few years flailing about trying to find stability. Eventually, I did, when I met my husband. But I still didn’t feel like I needed to come off Citalopram. Some people I know, who have taken anti-depressants to help them through PND or other tough emotional episodes in their lives have been desperate to be rid of the pills. I’ve never felt like that. Even though when I was first prescribed them, I felt like a complete an utter failure needing drugs to feel normal!  But I’ve learnt that I was too hard on myself. I don’t think that about other people who take anti depressants so why bully myself about it? People are very different in their abilities to cope and that’s OK.

So why am I talking about it today? Since having my second child, Joni, I’ve been getting angrier and angrier. To begin with, I thought it was lack of sleep, surging hormones, the stress of having two small kids (one of whom didn’t sleep and spent the first four months crying for three hours every evening).

Later, I assumed it was the strain of juggling family, work, driving lessons and having a gastric band (great timing on my life choices, eh?). But when I started to dread Saturdays, I knew something was really wrong. Invariably, our weekends always ended up in fights and tears. With me shouting a LOT. Hitting walls, frightening my kids and making my husband hate me.

One of my friends said that I was so lucky to be able to enjoy Christmas with two small kids and how magical it would be. I thought she was mad! It was going to be a hell of fighting and tantrums and wishing for bedtime EVERYDAY OF THE HOLIDAYS. I spent all my time thinking that I couldn’t wait for Joni to be older because things will be easier but then feeling sick with guilt because I want to enjoy her NOW at THIS age. And when I was angry, I nearly always felt justified. Not so much with my kids….usually I was angry because they were complaining we were rushing, which was my fault. But with my husband…I’d be angry because of the most pathetic things. EVERYBODY KNOWS AUBERGINE IN READY MEALS ISN’T COOKED PROPERLY, SO WHY WOULD YOU BUY IT?! What a bitch.

I knew in the New Year I would have to do something to address it. I thought about seeing my (new) counsellor, I looked into doing some anger management courses and I downloaded some meditation apps. But I knew the problem needed a more immediate solution.

I bit the bullet and went to the doctor. I asked him if he could up my Citalopram to 30mg. I wish I’d done it sooner. Four weeks down the line, I feel NORMAL. Again not deliriously happy happy. Just OK. And NOT irrationally angry. I do still get the angers but over things that are normal, like my son being rude to strangers or running out of wine ….

But this last weekend was brilliant. I didn’t dread it. I didn’t spend my time shouting at everyone and praying for the kids’ bedtime. I ENJOYED my kids! I was NICE to my husband. It was a HAPPY house.

Thank you Citalopram. I think you might’ve just saved my marriage.

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?