Energetic bankruptcy: what happens when self-care falls away

Suzy Reading - 8 Jun 18

Self-care – it’s the buzz word for 2018. As a concept, it’s firmly on the radar but it often gets a bad rap, it’s misunderstood, people still feel guilty about it, and worse, some mums are feeling like they are ‘failing’ at it. I want to clear up the misconceptions and empower mums with a potent self-care toolkit that is genuinely accessible. First, I’d like to share my experience, not to illicit sympathy, but to try and blow away some of the barriers that might be stopping you from engaging in regular nourishment. I think it can be healing to know that even psychologists get the blues, so I’m going to let it all hang out in the hope that it might normalise how others are feeling. We really are in it together.

I became a mother during a particularly tumultuous time in my life. I witnessed my father having a breathing failure when I was forty weeks pregnant. Waiting outside the resuscitation room until the early hours of the morning, a nurse gently suggested I go home and rest to prepare for what lay ahead for me. In my shock and grief, looking after my needs was the last thing on my mind, thus beginning the slippery slope of relegating self-care. After a week of what we thought were last goodbyes to Dad, I gave birth to my beautiful Charlotte Rose, and began my life as a mother at energetic rock bottom: physically, emotionally and mentally depleted like never before, precisely at a time that I was required to step up like never before.

Amazingly, my father tenaciously held on and survived for 15 months, in and out of intensive care and a nursing home. Despite the long, drawn out suffering, the silver lining was that he got to forge a relationship with his granddaughter and after the passage time, I learnt some deep, life changing lessons that I hope can make a difference to others.

It was such a tough time and I really struggled. I literally felt flawed by life.  I was teary, anxious, fatigued beyond belief, felt like my nervous system was fried and terribly guilty that I wasn’t the calm place I wanted to be for my daughter. In the fog of grief, sleep deprivation and stress, all the life-giving things that I used to engage in dropped away. As a psychologist, yoga teacher and personal trainer, there was a strong toolkit there, but I was too sad, tired and time poor to engage in those usual nourishing acts, like the solo runs on the beach, yoga classes or coffee dates with mates. They were just inaccessible to me in my new circumstances and I just didn’t have the energy or creativity to come up with alternatives. And so, without really knowing it, I let self-care drop away.

I wanted to devote all my love and energy to my sweet little baby who deserved so much more than this sad mummy, I wanted to be there for my dad, and to support my mum. To a certain extent we have to subjugate our needs when we become mums – it’s not like you can just roll over at night when they cry and think ‘not now’. You’ve got to keep giving and keep going. So I think this whole ‘put your needs first’ thing just doesn’t wash with mums for a good reason. But while it’s not me ‘first’ it HAS to be me ‘as well’. If you can’t do it for you, do it for them. I learnt the hard way, that if I didn’t nourish me, I was rubbish at tending to those in my care and my daughter needed me to keep going. Motherhood isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Charlotte turns 8 in a few weeks and it’s not like she needs me any less now! We need self-care to sustain us so we can last the distance.

In therapy with a wonderful postnatal depression counsellor I first came across the term self-care and in partnership we created a new self-care toolkit together. We looked at the things I used to do before becoming a mother and explored how they could be reclaimed in a slightly different shape. She encouraged me to take an honest look at how I was using my precious downtime and we actively prioritised my nourishment so that I could cope, heal and be the mum that I wanted to be.

While Charlotte slept, instead of mindless social media scrolling and watching toxic daytime soaps (if you’re not depressed before watching them, you will be after!) I rolled out my yoga mat and most often had a sleep on it. She helped me find ways that I could reconnect socially without it feeling depleting or overwhelming. We talked about concepts like post-traumatic growth and skills like compassion, gratitude and savouring. Little by little, these small changes were enough to lift my mood and mental clarity. Each act of nourishment was a deposit in my energy bank, helping me see life through a more constructive lens, make more life-giving decisions and cope better with the inevitable challenges of motherhood. I saw first-hand the transformative powers of self-care and after clawing my way back to vitality I want all mums to have access to their own healing toolkit.

So, those misconceptions…

What is self-care? Self-care is health care. It is nourishment for the head, the heart and the body. It is nurturing you in this moment AND the person you are becoming, a useful distinction to make. Think of it as a deposit in your energy bank and we all need a healthy energetic bank balance to cope with the normal demands of everyday life, let alone those curveballs.

Self-care is selfish or it makes me feel guilty. We engage in self-care so that we can COPE and HEAL, to provide us with a protective buffer against future challenges (no one is immune from loss, stress and change) and to be the kind of people we aspire to be. There is nothing selfish about this at all. What to do we have without our health? It is the ultimate win win.

I don’t have enough time, energy or money for self-care. This comes down to how you conceptualise self-care. You may not have time for a particular form of self-care but there are ALWAYS nourishing skills and practices available to you. Self-care is more than massages and spa days. Self-care needn’t take big chunks of time (savour a scent that you love), it needn’t take any energy (gaze on something you find utterly captivating about your child… eyelashes do it for me) and it doesn’t have to cost a penny (try childs pose for 60 seconds). Please spend some time creating a self-care toolkit so you have a resource you can turn to for inspiration. You’ll find all the healing self-care practices that put me back together in my book, ‘The Self-Care Revolution’.

Self-Care is just another thing to add to my heaving to-do list. I see self-care as an approach to life: if I can imbue my thoughts and actions with a sense of love and tenderness, I am nourished by them. We can turn everyday actions we are already doing into an act of self-care – the way we talk to ourselves, the way we breathe, our posture, how we dress ourselves, even how we shower. The key quality here is compassion. Great things blossom from a place of kindness and self-compassion.

I’m failing at self-care. My friend, go gently on you. Motherhood is one tough gig and we are squeezed like never before. Self-care can come in the form of tiny micro moments of nourishment, many of which you will already be doing without necessarily knowing it. Dot your day mindfully with these little moments of calm and really notice the energy they offer you – savouring a hand balm, watching a bird on the wing, enjoying a cuddle or listening to a piece of music that you love. There is no failure here, just opportunities to learn and grow.

Wishing you peace and ease,

Suz xx

Suzy Reading

Suzy is a mother of two, a Chartered Psychologist, Yoga Teacher, Health Coach and author. She specialises in self-care, helping people manage their stress, emotions, and energetic bank balance. It was her life experience of motherhood colliding with the terminal illness of her father that sparked her passion for self-care which she now teaches to her clients, young and old, to cope during periods of stress, loss and change and to boost their resilience in the face of future challenges. Suzy is a contributing editor for Psychologies Magazine and the Psychology Expert for wellbeing brand Neom Organics. She figure-skated her way through her childhood, growing up on the Northern Beaches of Sydney, and now makes her home in hills of Hertfordshire, UK. Her first book ‘The Self-Care Revolution’ is out now.

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