Engaged…..To Not Be Married.

Rachel Hawkins - 22 Mar 16

I had my nails done today.  I was in such a rush as I’d managed to squeeze an appointment in after finishing work and before taking my son to the Dr’s.

I was in a bit of an anti-social mood if I’m honest (I call it having my ‘ignorant head on’), I didn’t really want to talk to anyone and was too busy clock watching to focus on my surroundings.

Before I knew it, however, the girl sitting next to me had struck up a conversation, a conversation that centred around a piece of jewellery I was wearing.  “That ring is beautiful” she cooed.  I had to check she was talking to me before I responded (would’ve been embarrassing if she wasn’t).  It transpired she was in fact complimenting me on my hand attire.  “Thanks” I responded “That’s very kind of you to say”.  “Are you engaged?” she asked, rather pointedly.

I hesitated, quite obviously too I think, looking back.  “Yes” I finally answered (now wondering if I look like a liar because I left it so long to provide an answer to her question).  “Ahhhh congratulations” she replied, quite sweetly.  I felt at this point I had to explain my current situation.  For some reason I felt like a bit of a fraud.  “Ah thanks” I said “But I’ve been engaged for a long time now with no immediate plans to get married” (probably now making an already weird situation, even weirder). “Ah, ok” she retorted, more than likely now wishing she’d never bothered opening her gob in the first place.

And that was that.  We didn’t speak again (no shocks there eh?).

I was left thinking about that conversation for the rest of the day.   Why did I feel a bit weird during this exchange?  I shouldn’t feel like a fraud for having an engagement ring on my finger, because I am actually engaged.  Just not engaged to be married perhaps…..

Let me explain a little more.

Wes & I got engaged on Christmas Eve 2012.  At this point we’d been together for 2 years and lived together for about 7 months.  Everything in our relationship had happened quite quickly, we were in a relationship pretty much immediately after our first date, we started looking for a house together within weeks of meeting and we spent all of our time with one another from pretty much day 1.

Obviously we’d talked about the possibility of getting married one day, but nothing was set in stone.  Just the usual; perhaps tentative conversation between 2 people who see their relationship going the distance.  It was a huge shock when Wes got down on bended knee in the centre of Bath on that cold Christmas Eve.  I was over the moon, it really was a very special moment in my life.

We’d set a date within 2 months of being engaged, for the following year in fact and set about making plans for the big day.  Well, I say plans, I don’t do planning very well.  To be honest, I found the whole organising a wedding thing really quite overwhelming (I put it down to my indecisive nature).  I’m also incredibly lazy, so that obviously doesn’t help.

Fast forward a couple of months and I find out (again, huge shock) I’m pregnant.  Now, that my friends, is a huge game changer.  Suddenly, the fact that I have a wedding to look forward to, a mere 5 months after giving birth feels me with a bit of dread.  I remember trying a wedding dress on when I was 9 weeks pregnant and having a total meltdown in the bridal shop.  The whole thought of having to arrange a wedding while pregnant and then a new mum was stressing me right out.

So, we postponed the wedding for a year.  The new date was set as May 2015.

Phew. Pressure off.

Annnnddddd…..then a little over a year later we end up cancelling that re-arranged wedding (are you sensing a pattern here?!).  Losing out on our deposit and probably confusing a fair few people in the process too!

Weddings are expensive.  I know you can probably do it cheaply, and try and be as cost effective as possible.  But it is still an expensive business.  The second you mention the word “Wedding” people see pound signs flash before their eyes.  I couldn’t help but feel it was a waste of money for what is, effectively just a day.  Granted, it’s probably one of the best days of your life, but it is just that, one day in your life.

It didn’t sit well with me.

At this point I wanted to buy a bigger house for our now bigger family, this felt a larger priority and Wes completely shared my opinion.

Perhaps one day we’ll get married we said, but right now lets just focus on buying a new house.

So, that is exactly what we did.  Whilst in the meantime applying for Don’t Tell The Bride (twice) and getting reasonably far through the process (twice).  Until I got cold feet (the first time) and Wes got cold feet (the second time).

What is wrong with us??!!

Now, we’re settled in our new house and indeed most aspects of our lives but even now I still don’t feel that burning desire to get spliced.

I’m content with my lot and I think I like being a Miss (perhaps it’s the fact it makes me feel younger?!).  Of course, having the same surname as my son would be nice, but what does it actually change?

We have experienced so many ups and downs in our 5 years together, I have no doubt if we can get through what we have already, then we can probably get through pretty much anything.  So, it isn’t the case that I don’t feel secure enough in our relationship to make it all official.  I just think we’re quite alright as we are.

I’ll continue to wear my engagement ring on my finger because I am engaged, Wes did ‘propose marriage’ to me, it’s just that if anyone asks if I’m engaged to be married (old fashioned saying I know), then I’ll have to say quite politely, that no, I’m not.

Rachel Hawkins

Almost 30 year old (eeeek) Mother to one from Bristol. Writing about whatever takes my fancy, mainly due to the fact 140 characters on Twitter and a Facebook status just isn't enough! Passionate about mental health awareness.

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