I Failed Motherhood In 16 Hours

Aine Homer - 17 Dec 18

Sunflower was 16 hours old when a midwife asked me (in a way that I really felt like I had no option) to go to the common room at the other end of the ward because my baby’s constant crying was disturbing the other ladies on the ward. Apparently they had all given birth that day and were tired, they needed their rest.

And somehow I didn’t?

It was the loneliest night of my life. It should have been the happiest (after my wedding night, of course).

I was alone. I had a private room in the hospital. This was a surprise gift from my hubby, done with love so that I may get some rest and not be disturbed by other baby’s on the main ward.

But life had other plans for us.

Sunflower fed all day. And all night. This, apparently was completely normal. It was normal also for my boobs to be shredded and I would get the hang of breastfeeding (eventually)… they said. My gorgeous girl just wanted to be up in my arms all the time. And I mean All. The. Time.

Within 5 minutes of being in anyone else arms she cried, screamed, even when she was asleep. It was as if she could sense that it wasn’t me holding her.

I was totally clueless as to what could have been going on. She had all the routine checks from the hospital staff, was cleared as a perfect baby, except her crying.

Now I didn’t have much experience of babies until Sunflower was born. My maternal instincts were never very strong and I felt weird all the time I was pregnant, weirded out by the thought, and fact, that there was something growing inside me that wasn’t part of me…. I know pregnancy is normal, but I just felt weirded out by the whole thing. Until this point, babies were nice to hold for a very short time, and then just give back to their owner. In fact, my dad and I have had this lifelong pride that nobody else’s children ever wanted to spend much time with us. Literally, babies would cry within 2-3 minutes of me holding them. And honestly, I couldn’t really care less about this. They were not mine so I didn’t need them to like me.

Talk about a change when I became the custodian of one of my own.

Now this baby didn’t want to be anywhere but in my arms.

All evening, even when my hubby was turfed out of the ward, Sunflower would feed, then fall asleep in my arms, and when I would put her down in the cot she would wake within minutes. Screaming, and so I would pick her up and repeat the process.

Multiple midwives on the ward told me this was normal, she was just hungry and to keep feeding her.

Three times they came into our room when Sunflower had fallen asleep in my arms and told me she was not to sleep with me because I might suffocate her. Three times they took her out of my arms and put her in the cot. Three times she woke within minutes, screaming.

In between the midwives visiting our room, I was out in the corridor walking and bouncing and singing and trying to do anything to avoid putting my boobs back in Sunflowers mouth. Each time I resorted to agonising feeding to help her sleep. This was all before 1am.

At 1am, on another lonely corridor walk, a ‘friendly’ midwife asked me to go to the common room. Her tone was matron-like. There was no negotiation to be had. And she also suggested (strongly) that my body wasn’t producing enough milk for Sunflower so she was hungry and that I could borrow a bottle of formula from the fridge in the common room to get her to sleep. I must, of course, replace this before I would leave the hospital the next morning.

Failure to do the basics for my baby flooded over me.

I couldn’t do either of the two most basic tasks – feed, and help her sleep.

What sort of mum was I going to be? Had I just made the biggest mistake of my life? Obviously the midwives knew so much more than me about babies, they were the people I had to trust. They were the only people around at 2am. They would not be the first to scold me about how I was “responding to her [Sunflower’s] every whim”.

At 3am I gave up. My body couldn’t stay awake any longer. Yet the beginnings of the woman I am today started to appear.

I had to defy the rules and keep Sunflower in my bed, with me. She was sleeping on my shoulder and there she was going to stay. I instinctively knew that I could grab a few zzz’s and a little nap without suffocating her, in fact without falling into deep sleep. I was always one who needed a horizontal bed to sleep or doze. And so I snook back to my room, and sat up in my bed with my baby for the rest of the night.

That was the last night for years that my hubby got to enjoy a decent sleep. And thankfully he did, because when he arrived at 9am the next morning I couldn’t get us out of the hospital fast enough. I

What I have learned in the 6 years since that night is that Sunflower’s behaviour was so clearly telling us that something was wrong, that she was in pain when she was lying down. And this inability to lie flat is so characteristic of babies with reflux. But because she didn’t vomit or posset, this was completely missed. For the next five and a half months.

And during this period, and indeed after it too, all those I asked for help, the midwives, health visitors, doctors and other parents didn’t help. I got the comments “all babies cry”, “she’s colicky and will grow out of it”, “she is stubborn and just needs to learn how to sleep”. I even got told that I was making a rod for my own back and spoiling her by carrying her and responding to every cry she made.

This last comment really got my back up because I knew in my heart that Sunflower was not crying for attention, she was not manipulating me. She was in pain. I knew this. And I refused to abandon her in pain, irrespective of whether I could it away or not.

My early parenting experience has taught me a few things that I pass on to new parents

1. Trust your instincts as a mum. You are rarely wrong
2. Reflux is a symptom. And so it has a cause (always).
3. You are the expert in your baby, not the midwife / health visitor / doctor / other
4. When we understand the cause of reflux, we can resolve it for our babies
5. Our doctors don’t always have the answer (they cannot possible know everything)

If you ever feel like something isn’t quite right with your baby, then act on it. Do whatever you need to do to support your baby. If you suspect colic, reflux or food allergies, then there is something causing them. And I have learned through my own children and helping others, that when we find the specific cause for each baby, we can resolve their suffering.

Click here to learn more of the causes of reflux.

Aine Homer

Becoming a mum changed Aine Homer, far more than she ever bargained for. Her inconsolable baby girl couldn't be out of her arms, screamed day and night, didn't sleep and Aine was told that this was normal, and that she needed to toughen up. The chronic sleep deprivation lead to a long acquaintance with post natal depression. Her unique background of mechanical engineering and Traditional Chinese Medicine however, wouldn't accept these answers. She knew in her heart that there was something going on for her baby. With diagnoses of colic followed by silent reflux and then cow's milk protein allergy, Aine's daughter continued to suffer with no answers from the healthcare system. Aine's belief that there is always a cause for something lead her on a path of discovery. After months of research, reading and figuring things out, Aine discovered the causes of reflux and she resolved her baby's suffering where others had not been previously able to help. Her stint with post natal depression lasted three years and resulted in Aine asking many questions including "did I make a mistake becoming a mum?", "is being parents going to ruin my marriage?" She made her escape from post natal depression when she vowed to herself to use her knowledge to save other families the suffering hers had endured. She wrote and published The Baby Reflux Lady's Survival Guide and truly became The Baby Reflux Lady.

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