FEELING IRRESPONSIBLE?

Molly Gunn - 28 May 14

Wow, I thought, as I sanded off my kids and got them in the car after a day at the beach. I was glancing around the carpark at other mothers doing the same thing, when I realised…. all the other mums were all the same age as ME.

I’m MUM AGE.

As if two pregnancies, a C-Section, a hair-raising natural birth, breast-and-bottle-feeding, tears, tantrums, a million episodes of Peppa Pig, countless Fish Fingers and the ever-presence of two tiny boys hadn’t proved it already. I AM A MOTHER. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER BEINGS.

It freaked me out, because I don’t feel like I’m grown up and responsible enough to be a mother. I don’t quite feel I match the air of authority, the endless common sense and unwavering control that my mum seemed to possess when I was a kid. She seemed sooo old and wise and together. But when I was a toddler, she was younger than me now.

I DON’T feel old and wise and together. Most days I feel like I’m blundering around working out what the hell is going on (read Esther’s piece on that here). I feel a little bit like… a teenager. Especially because things keep happening that are making making me question my sanity, my attitude and leaving me wondering if I’ve got what ‘IT’ takes to really be a MOTHER… am I responsible enough?

Here’s some of the irresponsible things I’ve done recently:

1) I keep burning food to a cinder.
2) I was caught by a speed camera, got a parking ticket and narrowly escaped my car being towed ALL ON THE SAME DAY.
3) I adopted a cat without telling my husband… and he’s really allergic to them (this is the sort of impulsive thing I would have done early 20s)
4) The cat got run over a few weeks later. SAD FACE 🙁
5) I got cautioned by the Police. They stopped me as my break light had gone, and cautioned me as I didn’t have my driving license on me.
6) Instead of responsibly taking-it-on-the-chin, I got stroppy with the Police Woman.
7) I rarely leave home with everything I need, EG sun tan lotion… or spare clothes. When Fox pulled a jug of water over himself in a cafe recently I had to carry him through Brixton only wearing a pair of tights someone lent me.
8) Sometimes I accidentally bonk my sons’ heads on things when I’m looking after them (does anyone else do this?). Not badly (obviously), just sightly when getting into the car or through a doorway.
9) Possibly the worst one: when Raff had a teary meltdown recently I turned to talk to him and took my hand off the buggy with Fox in it. Next thing I know, the buggy has rolled into THE ROAD. Luckily Rye High Street is pretty quiet, and the nearest car was 100 metres away. BUT STILL.

I know that all these things signal that I need to slow down. But also make me wonder if I’m missing the responsible MUM gene. You know, the one we women were meant to be born with that made us amazingly good at all the mothery stuff the minute we have kids? The one that makes us feel in charge, know exactly what to do in a tense situation and be prepared for anything? The one that makes us a peacemaker and miracle worker…. a mix of Kofi Annan and Mother Theresa at the same time? The one that prevents us from cocking up so regularly?

I could be feeling so irresponsible because I’m tired, and heaven knows that tiredness slows our brains and depletes our quick-wittedness, but are we actually allowed to blame everything on tiredness?? Or – shock horror – it could be that I didn’t morph into the perfect being when I had a baby (as a VIrgo this is hard to take. Maybe Virgo Mothers are the worst self flagellators). Is the fact that all mothers are automatically responsible actually an urban myth… (like the London myth that you’re always within 6 feet of a rat?).

There’s just something in our psyche, or the media, or saccharine parenting websites that makes us think that we should be responsible and doing the Right Thing all of the time? But isn’t that a bit much to ask? I once asked my mum how she felt, being older, and she said that she felt exactly the same as she always had done… she felt the same as she did when she was a teenager.

So, I’m voting for releasing the pressure gauge – and admitting that I’m slightly irresponsible. Now it’s in print, I feel slightly better.

And in the meantime…
I will try to stop bonking my sons’ heads on things.
And not get any more parking tickets.
Or cautions.
I’ll always put the brake on the buggy.
And I won’t get another cat… for a while at least.

Read Molly’s other Selfish Mother posts here

Molly Gunn

Molly Gunn is the Curator of Goodness at Selfish Mother, a site she created for likeminded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for publications including Red, Stella, Grazia, Net-A-Porter and ELLE. She now edits Selfish Mother and creates #GoodTees which are sold via TheFMLYStore.com and John Lewis and have so far raised £650K for charity. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 5, Fox, 3 and baby Liberty. Molly is married to Tom, aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live, work and play in Somerset.

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