Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

Becky Winton - 27 Oct 17

The day is almost here, tomorrow – after months of anticipation, trying, failing, hoping – I have a dating scan which will hopefully confirm that baby #3 is on the way to us.

I have two beautiful, healthy boys, but this is pregnancy number 5 – before my littlest was born I had two miscarriages, the first identified at our 12 week scan, a ‘silent’ or ‘missed’ miscarriage. I had naively never heard of them before – the symptoms were there, my periods had stopped, the test was positive. I was tired, nauseous – it hadn’t even occurred to me that the baby could have died inside me weeks before.

Miscarriages are what you see on TV, a pain in the stomach, blood – all drama, sudden, obvious.

Right??

So all of the innocence of pregnancy disappeared in that heart shattering moment when the sonograper told us that there was no heartbeat. I loved being pregnant – I still love it, despite the constant anxiety, the feeling that I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, shouldn’t talk in ‘whens’ but ‘ifs’. Despite of all of the worry I always knew that we’d try for a third. My husband was quietly less certain, nervous I suppose of what going through it all again could do to us. But for me ‘family of four’ didn’t sound right, not for us. Thinking about it now I wonder whether our family will ever feel complete without those two little humans who started to grow but didn’t quite make it.

Tomorrow morning we’ll hopefully know, for certain, what comes next for us. We’ve already told so many people this time, cautious, with caveats, but painfully aware now that we may need the support and understanding if it turns out to be bad news. My lovely husband is outwardly positive (although I know he’s terrified too), geeing me along, reassuring me – every time a positive or optimistic thought creeps into my mind I bat it away, terrified of jinxing it – ridiculous really, like a moment of imagining my sons with a baby brother or sister could change things, change anything.

So here goes nothing. Tomorrow is the day. See you on the other side.

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I wrote this one a while ago, scrawled in a notebook and its the first chance I’ve had to look back over it. The scan was good news, the moment that I saw that tiny heartbeat all of my anxiety melted away and relief flooded over me. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in weeks.

Of course, it all crept back pretty quickly. The anxiety just won’t shift this time, and I’m hanging out for the next appointment, hoping against hope that I get to hear that heartbeat for the first time.

Pregnancy after loss really is a different beast, I’m sure at this stage with my firstborn there was constant talk of what to buy, baby names, what size citrus fruit he was this week. This time it feels a little like the elephant in the room – I for one can still barely talk about what is to come for fear that it doesn’t. So if anyone was wondering – it’s not that I’m any less excited this time, it’s in fact that I’m just as excited as I have been every….single…..other…..time….

Becky Winton

A mum of 2 brilliant boys, originally from Wales and now living in Wellington, New Zealand. An ex-accountant now working in in-home preschool childcare!

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