Fierce failure and strength
1
I’ve never felt more fierce or strong.
Whether that’s just the steroids or some fire in my belly that rages from a spark that started five years ago I don’t know.
Right now I’m lying on my bed having just pointlessly injected my stomach with a blood thinner and inserted hormones where they shouldn’t have to go.
I say pointlessly, because this morning I took a pregnancy test after our sixth IVF cycle.
It was negative. Again.
But I am lucky. Because I am a mother against the odds.
My wonderful daughter the product of our third cycle
SelfishMother.com
2
thanks to the kindness of an egg donor.
Being diagnosed as infertile at 31 rocked my world like you wouldn’t believe. I was sent into a spin hurtling into an unknown world of misery and pain so exquisite I couldn’t comprehend it for many, many months. I slept for days, each time I woke, the pain cutting my heart and soul again and again.
A loss so total and all consuming.
My husband was and is my rock. I love him so much.
The day of my diagnosis the spark inside me told me with a tiny voice as we drove from the hospital that maybe I’d been
SelfishMother.com
3
dealt these cards because I can deal with them – and that I’d do what I needed to do to grow our family.
Three years down the line after two failed tries, tests, anxiety, counselling and chaos, when we got pregnant it was hard to believe – it brought tentative joy, and nine months of fearing something would go wrong.
Our wonderful little lady was born safely and healthily and brought such unbelievable joy at a time we needed it most as a family with very recent bereavements.
Our desire to give our daughter a sibling was eased by the
SelfishMother.com
4
unbelievable generosity of our donor who donated her eggs a further two times.
Unfortunately – since she was 18 months old we’ve had three more failed attempts – this one from our first ever frozen IVF transfer.
I’ve become accustomed to fertility failure. It leaves you somewhat numb, you’re used to surrendering control and accepting everything and anything that the fertility lottery throws at you.
I’ve learnt an emotional toughness and mental strength I never thought possible.
It might make me stronger – but I wish it wasn’t a lesson
SelfishMother.com
5
I’d had to learn this way.
Right now I’m waiting for the clinic to call me back after leaving my negative result on their answerphone.
Experience tells me they’ll tell me to plough on with the drugs (13 tablets, four pessaries and one injection a day) for another few days and then test again.
It also tells me this is pointless procedure where we’re concerned. I have no false hope.
The drugs give you every pregnancy symptom in the book. Six cycles in, I chose not to buy into this hype. I’m cynical and detached.
The steroids make me
SelfishMother.com
6
angry, hungry and fierce.
I’ve spent the past two weeks not eating rare steak, with sore boobs, cramps, sickness, spotting a super sense of smell and headaches.
Right now, I want my life back. I love my husband and my daughter and I want to be free from the shackles IVF puts on our lives.
The power of the drugs on my body is frightening.
I fiercely want to enjoy our lives and not live on hold.
I want our daughter to have a sibling. But maybe you can’t have it all?
There are two frozen embryos left. I’m not sure I fancy their
SelfishMother.com
7
chances.
Only time will tell.
But I am strong. We’ll find our way.
SelfishMother.com
This blog was originally posted on SelfishMother.com - why not sign up & share what's on your mind, too?
Why not write for Selfish Mother, too? You can for free and post immediately.
We regularly share posts on @SelfishMother Instagram and Facebook :)
Kiki Green - 7 Sep 16
I’ve never felt more fierce or strong.
Whether that’s just the steroids or some fire in my belly that rages from a spark that started five years ago I don’t know.
Right now I’m lying on my bed having just pointlessly injected my stomach with a blood thinner and inserted hormones where they shouldn’t have to go.
I say pointlessly, because this morning I took a pregnancy test after our sixth IVF cycle.
It was negative. Again.
But I am lucky. Because I am a mother against the odds.
My wonderful daughter the product of our third cycle thanks to the kindness of an egg donor.
Being diagnosed as infertile at 31 rocked my world like you wouldn’t believe. I was sent into a spin hurtling into an unknown world of misery and pain so exquisite I couldn’t comprehend it for many, many months. I slept for days, each time I woke, the pain cutting my heart and soul again and again.
A loss so total and all consuming.
My husband was and is my rock. I love him so much.
The day of my diagnosis the spark inside me told me with a tiny voice as we drove from the hospital that maybe I’d been dealt these cards because I can deal with them – and that I’d do what I needed to do to grow our family.
Three years down the line after two failed tries, tests, anxiety, counselling and chaos, when we got pregnant it was hard to believe – it brought tentative joy, and nine months of fearing something would go wrong.
Our wonderful little lady was born safely and healthily and brought such unbelievable joy at a time we needed it most as a family with very recent bereavements.
Our desire to give our daughter a sibling was eased by the unbelievable generosity of our donor who donated her eggs a further two times.
Unfortunately – since she was 18 months old we’ve had three more failed attempts – this one from our first ever frozen IVF transfer.
I’ve become accustomed to fertility failure. It leaves you somewhat numb, you’re used to surrendering control and accepting everything and anything that the fertility lottery throws at you.
I’ve learnt an emotional toughness and mental strength I never thought possible.
It might make me stronger – but I wish it wasn’t a lesson I’d had to learn this way.
Right now I’m waiting for the clinic to call me back after leaving my negative result on their answerphone.
Experience tells me they’ll tell me to plough on with the drugs (13 tablets, four pessaries and one injection a day) for another few days and then test again.
It also tells me this is pointless procedure where we’re concerned. I have no false hope.
The drugs give you every pregnancy symptom in the book. Six cycles in, I chose not to buy into this hype. I’m cynical and detached.
The steroids make me angry, hungry and fierce.
I’ve spent the past two weeks not eating rare steak, with sore boobs, cramps, sickness, spotting a super sense of smell and headaches.
Right now, I want my life back. I love my husband and my daughter and I want to be free from the shackles IVF puts on our lives.
The power of the drugs on my body is frightening.
I fiercely want to enjoy our lives and not live on hold.
I want our daughter to have a sibling. But maybe you can’t have it all?
There are two frozen embryos left. I’m not sure I fancy their chances.
Only time will tell.
But I am strong. We’ll find our way.
Did you enjoy this post? If so please support the writer: like, share and comment!
Why not , too? You can share posts & events immediately. It's free!
36 - mum of one post premature menopause thanks to a lovely donor! Currently a full
time mummy to my daughter - would love a sibling for her, formerly in TV, radio and comms. Future???
Loves chocolate a g&t and to laugh!
LIST 
