Find your village

Bryony McDonald - 31 May 16

One of my favourite memes goes like this “they say it takes a village to help raise a child…but no one ever tells you where this village is, or how the f*** to get there”!

There are a million ‘villages’ out there you could join, places where we can supposedly find the support to make sense of this crazy parenting lark! They shout at you from bookshop shelves, social media, TV; “Join the ‘Gina village’, join the ‘attachment parenting village’, stay close at home with the ‘mother-in-law village’, or find solace in your age-old ‘group of school friend’s village’. The problem is motherhood is so very personal, none of us do it quite the same and it’s changes us from who we used to be, and this wonderful life-affirming journey of motherhood is also rife with judgement…where oh where was MY bloody village??

And then I found it, and it wasn’t where I thought it would be at all.

My village was in cyberspace (how very modern). A Facebook group which was a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off group that all started with a group of likeminded mums into the same parenting style, then a bunch of us got pregnant (spin off group 1), then had new babies (spin off 2) then we wanted a smaller space just for us as our babes grew (spin off 3) and our village was born. It was like distilling good liqueur and ending go with the creme de la creme of pure vodka. (Mmmm vodka red bull , sorry I digress)

I have experienced something phenomenal with these mothers, (virtual friends, never met in real life, could actually be a guy called Bob), mothers who just ‘got me’, and most importantly supported each other, no judgement, ever. Nothing could go unsaid, everything was open for discussion, and believe me it was. Mothers who have become my first port of call when I have a parenting dilemma, or when I just need to say out loud to another human that ‘I’m having a really rough day’.

We are all very different really, we all have individual challenges, some so stark in contrast to our own experiences that you wonder how you can ever help, but yet we did, just by being a listening ear, at 3am, on Facebook while trying not to drop our phones on our babies heads.

Mothers who escaped abuse and unhappy marriages because of “the support from this group”. Some of the bravest mothers I’ve ever met who fought PND with every ounce of themselves, mothers whose beautiful babies threw them a curve ball by being wonderfully uniquely neuro atypical at birth and who fought for the life and future of those children like lionesses.

We also spent a lot of time talking about Coconut oil and smooth lady bits and who still hadn’t done the deed on our baby’s first birthdays. No holds barred, a place of sanctuary for serious and lighthearted topics, all treated with the same respect.

My village was freedom to be me, unincumbered by fear of unsettling existing friendships with parenting style divides, or fighting against generational opinions of what I should be doing, it was an opportunity, rare in adult life, to start from scratch and just be me, me as I am now, as a parent.

To my village, you are all amazing women and mothers, I thank you for letting me take my place with you all, and long may our village remain.

Bryony McDonald

Mum of two Mighty boys. Working from home and taking chances for a better future for us all

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