Post Natal Depression & Finding my Zen!

Anna Thorpe - 7 Jan 16

Ok here goes…….

As you may or may not be aware a little over three months ago I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression.  Its been a tough few months but with the help of my super duper friends and family and lots of advice and help from other sources I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.  I have never been one for diaries so I thought I might try a blog to vent my thoughts and feelings and share day to day anicdotes about life as a busy twin Mum, in an effort to continue to get well and feel better about myself.

Sitting in the Doctors office with Steven my partner that day was perhaps one of the scariest and hardest things I have ever had to do, not just explaining the way you have been feeling to other people but admitting to yourself that there is something wrong.  In my head I imagined that the GP would just say “get a grip, you are fine, being a parent is hardwork” but thats not what he said, what he did say still rings in my ears to this day “you are post natally depressed”…..what? how? why me? why me? depressed…what? not me!!!!  As much as those words scared me I knew he was right but at the same time questioning myself as to how I could end up like that.  I have always been a strong, confident and positive person…this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I was deluded in the fact that I thought I wasn’t that “type” of person…..how wrong I was.

I spent the next few weeks I suppose trying to understand the condition because I wasn’t sure how to tackle everything without knowing the reasons behind it.  Like all mental health illness’ everybody’s symptoms are different and vary tremendously.  Suprisingly 1 in 10 women suffer with PND and mothers of mutiples have almost twice the average risk of developing PND.  I contacted a number of organisations in a plea for help but one of the main sources of support I found was through TAMBA – The Twin and Mutiple Birth Association.  They have a Twinline number which I called and it was so lovely just to speak to someone who got it.  Other twin mums reading this will understand that everything is different with two, so it was so nice just to get a bit of advice and a listening ear from someone who understood where I was coming from.

A couple of weeks after my diagnosis we took a trip to visit my brother and his wife in York.  Jess is very much into the concept of mindfullness and as a scientist with a PHD no less (go Jess) she explained depression to me in the following terms:

“When you are suffering from anxiety you are constantly on high alert.  Your brain is under attack (thoughts causing the release of stress hormones) (this also causes you to be highly sensitive to percieved attack).  But its impossible for the brain and the body to withstand that kind of attack long term.  It makes you physically ill, run down, can’t sleep for example.  Depression is a protective mechanism by the brain to save you from this attack.  If you can’t feel emotions then you can’t be affected by them.  Hence switching off from reality, feeling down, feeling numb.” (quote Jessica Thorpe)

As soon as she explained it to me in this way it suddenly all made sense. From then on I felt ready to tackle the illness and feel better again.  In the following weeks I took the GPs advice.  I continued to exercise daily…going to the gym, playing my beloved netball and running with my cousin.  I attended my conselling sessions weekly (which I found really helpful and beneficial) and started to get out more.  See friends again, talk things through and generally start to enjoy things again as Anna in the past always had.

Its not all been smooth sailing and I have had a few set backs along the way, but like I stated earlier I am a positve person and I feel I have attacked the illness in that manner, always thinking of how to beat it and what I can do to help myself.  Throughout this journey I have felt quite selfish at times but I soon realised that it wasn’t selfishness at all I was just trying to find me again as somewhere along the way I got lost.

2016 is a new year and with it is a new Anna.  The Anna who now has beautiful be it somewhat crazy twins, a loving boyfriend (thats right he’s still my “boyfriend” as there’s no ring on it!!) super parents whom I’m sure I drive barmy, fabulous siblings, a wonderful Sister-in-law and the best friends and family a girl could ask for.

I made a decision this week that I was no longer going to shy away from this topic but instead share my story with people and not be ashamed or feel guilty of the fact that I have depression.  I won’t bore you with too many stories regarding it but I do hope that this blog will not only help me on the road to recovery but also raise awarenes of the condition and perhaps help other people in similar situations by showing others that there is a hope and way of moving forward.

Anna x

Anna Thorpe

I am twin mummy, fitness enthusiast, netball lover, wine drinker, positive thinker and lover of life!!

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