Finding the ‘U’ in Mum

Natali Drake - 14 Aug 14

Did you know our generation of women have it easier than ever? In fact life is peachy.

We have chipped away at the glass ceiling and slowly dug our manicured nails through the cracks. We can have babies without men, years past our prime, with a surgically enhanced face that never takes us past 29. We can shag whoever we fancy and broadcast it to the world. We can work where we want, dress as we please and do as much or as little as we feel like. We are completely free and unrestrained and we can have it all, right now, easy peasy. Is it that simple though? Or does Having It All really mean Doing It All?

Finding the ‘u’ in Mum isn’t easy. It’s so tough in fact that a lot of women give up, and then get to their final years blaming the kids for getting in the way of their dreams. Well wake up! If you want to find the magic balance between the ‘I have tos’ and the ‘I want tos’ in your life; if you want to be a mum who goes back to school, writes a novel, starts her own business or takes up a new hobby, then this is what to expect. Get ready!

1. YOU WILL BE CALLED SELFISH
When did it became selfish to do what makes you happy? Or is it just a mum thing? Do dads get told working overtime or playing golf on the weekend is selfish? But it’s a fact. So be ready for it. Smile, tell the world the best mum is a happy mum, and in your head give them the finger.

2. SLEEP CEASES TO EXIST
Your children will need you and they are your number one priority, and when they are ill or hurt, or scared, only mummy will do and that’s your full time job. They won’t care if you got to bed late or have a migraine, if they want to watch Postman Pat at 6am then you will too. Deal with it!

3. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE
To be a mum with ambitions you have to sacrifice something – but don’t let it be your relationship! It’s all too easy to stick your partner on the back burner and think they can look after themselves, but it builds resentment and distance and you need them now more than ever. Instead give up TV, chatting on the phone, Facebook, reading magazines or playing Candycrush. There, you have a whole evening now.

4. GET A ROUTINE & GET ORGANISED
If you know what time your kids will be asleep by and when dinner will be over with, you can plan your evening activities. Be especially organised work/school run mornings and for the bedtime routines. Think ahead…and write lots of lists.

5. GET HELP
Seeking support doesn’t make you weak, it makes you clever. Not even She-Ra can run a home, children, a job, study, look presentable, feed her family and have time to sleep and breath all in one day. Get a cleaner, help from family, a babysitter…whatever buys you a few hours. No one judges you when you say ‘I can’t manage all of this, will you give me a hand please.’

6. LET IT GO
You won’t be able to get everything done. There, I said it. There will be days your child goes to school with a creased uniform, or you have to go to a meeting with your hair scrunched up in a Peppa Pig bobble pony tail, or you find yourself bringing in the washing at midnight because it’s been outside for three days and the neighbours think you have died. It doesn’t matter. Like Disney’s Elsa says –  ‘Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone!’

7. SET BOUNDARIES
You need to decide what gets done and when, so break up your precious 24hrs into chunks. When it’s time for the kids put down that phone, and if it’s work time make sure people know not to disturb you.

8. EXPECT TO FEEL GUILTY, FOREVER
Every mum feels guilty. From the moment you see that little blue line appear on the pregnancy test you feel guilty, you feel like you are doing it all wrong and that everyone is better at it than you. And it only gets worse the more things you try to fit in around the children. You will feel guilty about everything, but you would whether you were working or not, so keep going. No one hates you.

9. DREAM BIG BUT START SMALL
Be realistic. The younger your children are, the more they need you and the less you can manage. Your deadlines are your deadlines, you can move them.

10. BE KIND TO YOU
Don’t kill yourself. It’s ok to stop, have a day off, do nothing, treat yourself to something nice. It’s ok. I give you permission to sit down, cuddle the kids and ignore your To Do list. Live in the moment for a little bit, it’s nice there.

There will be days when you wonder why you bother and everyone around you will too. But when you get your book published, gain your degree or find the job of your dreams you will look back on it (much as you do now after nine months of being pregnant and giving birth) and think ‘there, that wasn’t so bad! Now what can I do next?’

A mother with ambition has a bright future ahead of her.

She will live longer, because she will have exercised her brain and her craving for something more. Her marriage will be stronger, because she will have exciting wondrous things filling up her life that she can share with her life partner. She will be happy, hopeful, excited and full of positivity for the unknown. She will have a happy family, because there’s nothing better than a happy mum.

And once those children she cherished and juggled, fought for and fought with, carried and cuddled through her busy life have gone to live their own life, she won’t get empty nest syndrome. Why? Because she lined her nest with more than just fluffy chicks. In fact she taught her babies how to fly by showing them how she too has soared the skies, and one day they will join her in places so high that they will have the world at their fingertips.

So go on then, off you go, life is waiting for you…

Natali Drake

Natali Drake is an author, freelance writer and mother of two little girls. In 2015 she co-founded theglasshousegirls.com - an online magazine for women who say it how it is! Her work has appeared in our very own The Mother Book, as well as in various online magazines and UK newspapers. Her YA Fantasy Romance series 'The Path Keeper' (written under her pen name N J Simmonds) is now available to order at all good bookshops or visit njsimmonds.com

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