For Alice.

Ruth Yeaman - 16 Mar 16

22.09.15

For Alice,

I always intended to breastfeed you and I’m immensely lucky I was able to.

From the moment you were born you wanted to feed. I was scared and nervous but in a wonderful way. With your dad next to me and midwifes still around I nursed you for the first time. You latched on well and it was the best feeling(a welcome distraction from the midwife stitching me!). I was just so happy that I could provide you with all the food you needed. You only ever turned me down once. There was times I cried. I sobbed my heart out when you wanted more and more and I couldn’t give it to you. I felt like a terrible mother for giving you a bottle. I felt like I’d given up. Once I saw you sleeping all night and how much you weighed at every check up, I told myself to shut up. You were feeding and that’s all that mattered.

I got used to feeding you wherever we were and whoever was there. After a bit you realise no one is looking. I would rather have a fed and happy baby than a hungry screamer! Once I altered to feeding you out and about it all seemed routine. Now I can’t bear the thought of having this feed be the last. I know you want it. I know you want me. Again I feel like a bad mother. I love feeding you. I know I have been SO lucky to have had such a good time feeding you. There has been no cracked nipples. There has been no mastitis. There has been tears and there has been many leaks! Pumping was a waste of time and reusable breast pads don’t work!

Having to stop feeding you because of my health and returning to work has been a difficult decision. Sometimes people don’t understand how great it feels and the memories I’ll always have. Like sitting with you at 3am when you were only weeks old in the dark nursing you while watching random tv!

I just want you to know I love you. I fed you through tears. I fed you through pain. I fed you to calm you. I fed you to help you sleep. I kept feeding you after you sneezed and the milk went everywhere!

I may not feed you anymore but I ain’t going anywhere baby!

I love you

Mum (chebs)

I wrote this letter for my daughter Alice six months ago. She will be 1 year old in under 2 weeks time and I’ve no idea where the time has gone. It was always the stock answer from other parents when you had a newborn ” Enjoy every minute of it!”. Meanwhile you are thinking “Fuck off! Every minute!?” What every minute of the crying or the sick or the shit or the not knowing what the HELL you are doing!? I always said this was the biggest load of bullshit. Every minute? Truthfully it’s obviously impossible to enjoy every minute but you should appreciate your time with your baby. Because I’ve had nearly 12 months with Alice and i don’t know how that’s possible.

It’s nearly 6 months since i stopped breastfeeding. And i didn’t realise until recently just how much i miss it. If you are lucky enough to have a good breastfeeding experience, stick with it, keep going as long as you can. Although don’t make it a competition just to keep going if it isn’t right. I stopped because i was returning to work and my work place wasn’t going to be able to make the adjustments to help me express and still feed. I felt i couldn’t keep up with her and she always needed more.

In short i felt like a failure because i alone couldn’t provide my daughter with everything she needed. When in reality she had everything she needed, a mother and a father who would do anything for her. I may not feed her myself anymore but i do everything else with her. Seeing other mothers feeding makes my heart ache, I just miss that attachment.

I wrote that wee letter to Alice just after my last feed with her. It broke my heart that part of our journey was over already. Six months on i still miss it because shes not a cuddly baby, shes very inquisitive so doesn’t sit still long and i never get to cuddle with her. But we read books. We play daft games. We have fun with food. We go out together. We make each other laugh. I just wish time would slow down!

Ruth Yeaman

Mother to Alice 26.03.15. Wife to Alan 25.10.13 Human being 15.09.87

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