For that child “In a shocking state”

breedandwrite - 22 Jan 16

I’ll get straight to the point here; Have you seen that  letter? The one that the Headmistress from St. Michael’s Academy sent home to all families?

This is it:

Letter to parents from St Michael’s Academy

A very big thank you to all of you who send your children in to school looking clean and tidy and ready for their school week. 

These are very important life habits to get into which will serve them well in adult life. 

Unfortunately I have noticed an increasing number of children who are coming to school in a pretty shocking state. 

They are dirty, unkempt and not in appropriate school uniform, if in any uniform at all. 

Today, being that it is a Monday, quite a few have returned to school in dirty clothes and obviously haven’t had a shower in readiness for Monday morning.

There are also an increasing number who are not making any attempt to wear black school shoes, in line with school policy. 

There are also a lot of children who are getting themselves up in the morning and in to school as their parents are still in bed. 

In a country where there is plentiful running water and washing machines, and shops like Tesco offering entire school uniforms for £10, it is a pretty poor indictment of the parenting skills of some of our families.

I totally appreciate that life is hard for some of you but please make sure that your children are clean and ready for school and that includes the correct clothes. 

Starting next week I intend phoning home to contact parents of children not in uniform including black shoes, and you will be asked to take them home. 

Yup. That is it. That is what went home to all families to discuss, shout about, dismiss as they saw fit. However it was dealt with at home, one thing is for certain – the spotlight would have been firmly placed on those children who are in a “pretty shocking state”.

I am not going to get all ranty on here about my full opinion; to write the detailed, well thought out response this warrants would take hours that I do not have (kids currently comparing snot smears on the sofa). I will however quote a couple of my responses that I posted on Facebook, I posted these to counter a few people who were very much in favour of the letter.

People who had stated that:

“There is no excuse for going out unwashed”

I replied:

I beg to differ. Having worked with families where bathroom’s are so disgusting (for many reasons) that is an ideal excuse for remaining unwashed. A far healthier option if you knew what lay in their bathrooms. It is easy to make such assumptions based on your own lifestyle, however home lives can be very dark for some of these children – and they are now having their noses rubbed in it; by the head of an institution that is there to care for and educate them. An awful lesson to be teaching these children. This matter could be dealt with in a far more private and less embarrassing way.

To somebody’s statement of:

No excuse! Even lack of money is not an excuse”

I suggested:

What about: lack of parenting skills, lack of clean bathrooms (I’ve seen the filthy ones), the lack of support when parents for whatever reason aren’t able to parent effectively, broken homes with poor channels of communication, violent homes where cleaning yourself or your children is way down on the list of priorities (after hiding your bruises and physically protecting your kids), lack of washing machine (very common), house so messy and chaotic that shoes are lost. These are all real, and valid excuses. They don’t always exonerate the parent’s and yes, they themselves may be to blame for some of these issues. But, sending a public letter home, to everyone, using such harsh wording will do nothing except rile the parents – and victimise these children even further. So ill thought out, and others are so quick to jump on the ‘good for you’ band wagon with no real understanding of what some homes can be like. I am guessing that empathy, tact, support and understanding are not lessons that this school is keen to teach it’s children.

And last one (and this is me NOT being ranty!) somebody added:

It’s not hard to wash kids uniforms and shower your child/ren.

I dared say this:

It may be hard if you are a recovering alcoholic, drug addict or victim of domestic violence. It may be hard if nobody has ever modelled ‘good parenting’ to you so you are just doing the same as your own parents did. It may be a little trickier if you are part of a broken home that doesn’t function effectively, or the council haven’t sorted your bathroom yet – so its freezing in there. Alternatively, it may not be hard, you may just be lazy, you may rather buy fags than uniform, or spend time socialising than washing- but it will be bloody ‘hard’ on your children when all of their peers know that ‘that’ letter is talking about them and their parents, and it will be harder when your parents take out their frustration on you.

On reading the letter, and the responses, my thoughts shot straight to the children. The children who are openly discussed within the letter, who are put into the spotlight for the whole school to focus on. So, instead of a detailed response delving into how deprivation comes in forms other than financial, and giving examples of the complex issues I have seen for myself. Instead, as we all should I thought of the children, and I wrote them a letter:

Dear “dirty and unkept” child,

I’m so sorry that nobody got up with you this morning, that must have been hard, and lonely. Even as an adult it can be tricky getting up for work sometimes, especially if other people are sleeping. Well done you for getting up and finding some clothes, they aren’t super clean but not to worry, you tried, and you made it in.  By the way, have you eaten anything today?

Please don’t worry about your clothes, it’s not your fault, nobody actually blames you – and if they do, they are just being mean. They clearly have no idea of just how busy and difficult things may be at home for you. I understand it can make you feel upset at times, especially if other children pick on you, that’s just nasty; really, as adults we should be helping to protect you from this.  I am sorry that your head teacher drew attention to your clothes and shoes. If I had noticed it happening a lot I would have spoken to you quietly, asked you about your home life. As that is what should happen really, that is part of being a compassionate adult.

You didn’t manage to wash today or last night? How could you in that freezing cold bathroom? Also, if nobody reminded you, and you were busy doing something  else – then why would you? I understand this and am not going to shout to everyone about it, but we must do something about it as it is important.

I am sorry that another adult has openly called your parents or carers lazy, that must be embarrassing and hurtful for you, you probably love them a lot. There are lots and lots of reasons why sometimes adults don’t take care of children like they should – there are other adults that you can talk to about this, they can help your family and can be discreet in doing so. Maybe if somebody spoke to you and the adults at home, took time to understood a little more what home life was like,  maybe that would help?

Sometimes people do things when they are frustrated, maybe you do and then an adult talks to you about how to control yourself? We all do that, we all get frustrated and do things we shouldn’t. I think that letter home may be that, it may that your headmistress was angry and frustrated because she cares about you all – but didn’t stop to think how her actions might affect you. If your parents or carers get angry and shout at you about this, then please tell someone. Don’t stop coming to school because you have the wrong shoes, and you are scared school may ring your home.

As for being a bit untidy, well, who cares?! You are here, I hope by now that school have fed you – so if your hair is messy or your shoes are the wrong colour then don’t worry, you are still a child, you don’t have much control over this. Our main concern is that you are safe, healthy and happy – the rest we can work on, together if we need to.

I hope this letter has made you feel a little better,

Take care,

B. A. Write

I just figure this; If you were a kid and your bathroom was freezing, filthy and smelly – would you prioritise having a wash, or just getting the hell out of there and getting to school? The parents may be lazy, they may have genuine excuses and circumstance, but this letter openly draws attention to, and victimises their children. If the parents are letting them leave home like that, it is unlikely they will care about a letter, let alone drag themselves out to collect them from school.

However, you can be pretty sure that the smelly, dirty child wearing her brothers trainers is going to feel even worse about herself. Shame on this head for using such a method, when there are many other ways this could be addressed. It is very worrying when the head of an educational establishment fails to be creative, empathetic, sensitive or able to think outside of the box. I am certainly not a defender of the idle, I do see the value and importance of making sure parents know what is expected of them; but, I will admit, I am an advocate for the vulnerable – and I just don’t see this as a bad thing to be.

Maybe I shouldn’t be giving my opinion on this, maybe, as a blogger, I am sounding the death knoll for my traffic. I hope not. I also hope that whatever your opinion on this then you feel free to share it, we are all entitled to think differently – it is how we discuss our differences that matter. I personally love a good debate, it makes life interesting and encourages us all to think about, and see things from other angles – and that can only be a good thing.

Right, rant over. I can’t let the dog lick any more snot off of the sofa.

I’ll crawl back under my rock now.

breedandwrite

I have no idea what I am doing, yet I do it on a daily basis. I live in the hope that I’m not screwing my kids up or setting them up to be more unhinged than me. This constant improvisation and flying by the seat of my pants has resulted in a need for an outlet that isn’t my darling (does that sound forced?) children. So here it is, the internet, the 'publish' button - shared insanity at the click of a mouse.

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