Friend or Foe?

Susan Horn - 10 Dec 15

Since becoming a mum, I’ve come to the realisation that there are three types of people in this world – at least with respect to children. There are lovers, haters and those that are entirely oblivious.

I come across all of them on a daily basis, and it’s clear to me that people morph between the types throughout their lives. But how can you tell which type is approaching you on the street or sitting next to you at lunch? Which ones are friends and which foes? Read on and find out…

The No Ideas
No Ideas are at that wonderful stage in life when they are young (or at least young-ish), they are independent, can afford a decent lifestyle, and are able to do whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want to. For this reason alone they can be quite easy to hate – mostly because we used to be them – so on your bad days they are a rather irritating reminder of what your life was like before children.

They have no desire (yet) to have children, and therefore utterly no comprehension of what it’s like to try and control a baby/toddler/child in a confined environment (read planes, trains, airports, cafés, restaurants etc).

They are predominately identified by their pristine wardrobe, groomed appearance or perfectly applied make-up, and their glorious accessories. The type I used to covet, own and use regularly; alas, all now stuffed at the bottom of a wardrobe where they will gather dust for roughly the next 18 years.

I encountered a couple of fantastic specimens just a few weeks ago at an airport check in. Despite queuing directly in front of them complete with squirming toddler in a pushchair, and sporting a quite obvious baby bump, they proceeded to have a loud conversation about how irritating it is to have children on flights.

Now, I totally get that a cabin full of screaming kids does not make a great flight. I don’t particularly enjoy it either, and I know that I used to be an eye-rolling No Idea when I saw kids coming my way on a flight too. But that is my point; they are utterly oblivious to the challenges of parenting, so you can almost forgive them – except when they glide on past as you try to bump your buggy down the stairs at the train station. That’s just annoying.

The Realists
This is you. This is your sisterhood and your band of brothers. Realists are your saving grace as you try to make your way through the world with kids in tow. They are either in the thick of it themselves, or remember only too well what it was like to be in your shoes.

The sub groups can be easily identified. In the thick of its have that same half-mad look in their eyes that you see in the mirror every day. They have made a half-hearted attempt at grooming which probably looked passable for 10 minutes before being destroyed by grabby hands; and they are mostly wearing the standard uniform of jeans, jumper and flats or trainers. These are the people that you want to high five when you see them relaxing with a coffee while their kids sleep peacefully in buggies.

The Remember Wells on the other hand, can look very well put together so are mainly distinguished by their warm smile and witty comments. I came across one of these just yesterday while my son was being typically disobedient by continually running directly away from my desired destination at high speed, while I (complete with bump), lumbered along desperately trying to catch him. A lady nearby was clearly enjoying the show, and jumped in to distract the high speed toddler and give me time to catch up. Once I stopped gasping for breath, I managed to ask her if they ever actually become obedient. Her reply? “Well, yes – for a little while. But then they become teenagers and that’s much worse.” Oh joy!

The Repellents
These are the people that are entirely repulsed by children; but again, we see two sub-groups emerging.

The first are those who have chosen not to have children. They are an older version of the No Ideas. They made a lifestyle choice not to have kids – which I completely respect – so I can understand they are none too pleased when a tantrum ensues as they are trying to enjoy a quiet latte.

The second group however, are my absolute favourties. These are the people who have had their own children, but are now either too old or too stuck up to remember what it’s like – oh the irony!

They are of the opinion that children should only be seen at a distance and definitely not heard. They also seem to be under the deluded impression that their own children NEVER behaved as your child is behaving right now. When they do encounter a child, they look like they’ve just taken a big whiff of a bad smell, and often resolutely refuse to give even an inch on the pavement to let you squeeze past with a buggy.

In my experience, they are often cunningly disguised as grannies and tend to frequent aqua aerobics classes, but don’t be fooled. If looks could kill, both you and your child would be dead within seconds, which is actually what makes me laugh. Have they really forgotten what it’s like to have children?

If I EVER turn into one of these – somebody please give me a good slap.

Susan Horn

Susan Horn lives in Melbourne, Australia. Before children, Susan worked in PR and Marketing Communications and was a complete Triathlon geek. She is currently a full-time Mum who squeezes a bit of exercise in between indulging her chocolate and coffee habits.

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