Fun and the breastfeeding mum: speed-socialising

Susannah Montana - 16 May 16

The baby is a huge fan of the boob. So much so, in fact, that he point blank refuses to drink from a bottle. This makes leaving him rather difficult, but at some point, whether it is when her baby is six weeks or two years old, every mum needs to get out and about with her (extraordinarily patient) pals and let her hair down – so I have devised a solution: speed socialising!

It’s Friday night, the children have had their tea and are in their jammies and – gasp! – Cinderella SHALL go to the ball (birthday party) – here’s how:

7pm – Grandparents arrive. (Nb for grandparents feel free to substitute alternative suitable babysitters). Leave husband to persuade eldest child to go to sleep and hop in shower.

7.10 Still in shower. Such a novelty to be getting ready to go somewhere on a Friday night. Aaaah this water is lovely and warm.

7.15 Still in shower. Crap, meant to already be leaving by now.

7.20 Have tried on five dresses, two of which won’t zip up and one which makes my breastfeeding mammaries look positively indecent. Have minor tantrum, put naughty ill-fitting dresses in a heap where they belong, contemplate staying in and getting a takeaway. Finally stop pouting/wallowing in self pity and select frock which looks okay. Not amazing, but passable given the attention I’ve recently given to the post-baby poundage zapping.

7.25 Make up and hair done! Having a baby definitely makes you faster at getting ready. Just as well as am already really quite late.

7.26-7.40 Have breastfed baby as much as is physically possible. There, no chance of him getting hungry now.

7.42 Advise toddler that no he can’t come out with us and that yes, I am sure it is bedtime even though it is suspiciously light outside (aargh summer time!)

7.43 Baby has been sick all over himself and both Grandparents. Dilemma as to whether to “top him up” or just leave it in case it prompts further spewage. Eric the dog helpfully cleans up spew (eww). Opt to go out without further top up and have final glance in mirror. Urgh, can’t go out like this.

7.50 Try on three further outfits and settle on bright red dress and huge necklace to detract from massive boobs.

8pm Deposit husband at bar en route which definitely did not exist when I was last out (sometime in 2014) and arrive at friend’s house, only forty minutes late. Not bad. “Wow, your boobs look huge” she exclaims as she opens the door. Sigh. The other two ladies are already there and they have made good inroads into their first bottle of Prosecco. Check my phone a couple of times in case baby isn’t surviving without me (he is) and finally opt for leaving it on the table (on “vibrate”) and with volume turned up high. Ah, time to relax. Mine’s a lemonade, whoop (baby to feed on return home!)

8.30 Drinks are flowing, we’ve got stuck into the crisps and cheese and I barely remember I’m a Mum. Feel like I’m back in my twenties! Must just send quick message to make sure all is okay at home…

9pm The others have moved onto gin so I am eating extra crisps. We’ve all re-done our hair, voted on whether it’s a tights-or-no-tights-night and have determined that yes, it really is possible to have the MOST FUN EVER in a teeny tiny space of time. I love my friends.

9.10 Leave friend’s house with three tipsy pals in tow and arrive at bar for other pal’s birthday bash. Birthday boy is already fairly merry and may or may not remember that we attended but still glad we came! Meet husband on arrival. He’s doing Tequila shots and is clearly also delighted to be out with the guys.

10pm Have eaten cake, spoken to people I haven’t seen for weeks/months in some cases and am high on life (and lemonade). Check phone. Aaaargh SOS message from Grandparents as baby won’t settle.

10.30 Many kisses and hugs later, have returned home to my wee brood (husband has stayed out) and have already received three photos from friends looking progressively more tipsy in each one. Turns out the toddler woke up and refused to go back to bed and Eric was sick in the kitchen. The commotion had woken the baby, who had then been unable to settle minus boob. Otherwise all is well. Five minutes after my return home, I’m cuddled up with the toddler whilst feeding the baby and Eric is sound in his dog bed. Grandparents are relieved to see me but not too traumatised.

So there you have it: speed socialising. A little bit stressful but a whole lot of fun, plus the added bonus of no hangover and being in bed by eleven. I highly recommend it.

Susannah Montana

Mum to two gorgeous, hilarious boys, wife to burly carnivore, writer. Luckiest girl in the world.

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