Getting over the guilt

Rebecca Cutter - 18 Dec 17

I was fortunate to have a regular, straight forward pregnancy. I’d planned a home birth, hired a birthing pool & was going to go into labour spontaneously around about my due date & have a lovely experience in the comfort of my own home. naive first time mum right!

Mother nature had another plan.

I got to 17 days overdue.  How I got to 17 days is another post, but I promise neither me nor baby were at any risk.  I had to admit that we might need to resort to plan B?

3am, after getting up for yet another wee, I cracked.  My husband was confronted with a sobbing mess declaring I was a complete failure as a mother before I’d even started as I couldn’t even get this bloody baby out!

So I finally conceded & we went into hospital, where I wasn’t Rebecca, woman about to have her first baby, I was the T+17 lady (the usual response being *gasp* really?)

Skip forward a bit & our daughter arrived via c-section, perfectly healthy, screaming at the top of her lungs 19 days late.  I’ve read it’s common for women feel the decision is taken out of their hands when they have a c-section & they are left feeling traumatised or even violated as a result.  For me there was no panic, it was an informed choice my husband & I made together in the best interests of me & the baby, it was still however a somewhat traumatic experience, but for different reasons.

After coming out of theatre & when I’d stopped shaking enough not to drop my baby, my husband handed over a squidgy bundle of loveliness, she snuggled into me & latched straight on.  Those first few weeks we just got on with it, you’re in a haze, focussed entirely on keeping your tiny human alive.  But as time went on I started to realise the scale of the impact the c-section had on me.

I felt guilty.

Guilty I couldn’t get her out ‘as nature intended’

Guilty I didn’t feel this rush of love we’re preconditioned to expect

Guilty I physically felt nothing (other than weird tugging!) when she was born

Guilty I sometimes looked at her & wondered how she could be mine?

Then worried.

Worried someone was going to knock on one day & say ‘sorry we’ve made a terrible mistake, she’s not actually yours’

Worried she wouldn’t feel loved enough

Worried we wouldn’t have a strong bond

We’re now 13 months on & those feelings are still there at times, but I’ve started to make my peace with them.  I can now focus on the positives, we’re both here, alive & healthy…yey!   I love my daughter with every fibre of my being, we’re like 2 peas in a pod & she’s growing into a confident, funny, affectionate little girl.  So we’re doing ok.

But there’s one final thing I feel guilty about…

Guilty I felt this way at all, terrible that I could let those thoughts take me over.

But I shouldn’t, no one should.  Our feelings are real & we should be able to talk about them without fear of judgement.  Chances are, if you feel that way, someone else does too, have courage to speak up. #timetotalk

Rebecca Cutter

Multi-tasking Mamma & foodie marketer. Wannabe writer, frustrated baker & surprisingly good tap dancer. Winging it everyday!

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