Girls wear pink. Boys wear blue. Gender stereotypes for me & you.

Harriet Shearsmith - 22 Jun 15

I seem to keep seeing this topic coming up on various blogs and parenting sites and I wondered what the general consensus was amongst the Selfish Mother network?

For those of you that aren’t aware, gender stereotypes are EVERYWHERE. There are lots of parents who are choosing to raise their children in gender neutral lifestyles, which  basically entails parents allowing their children to make choices that are not stuck to ‘social gender expectations’. A classic example? Dolls are for girls, cars are for boys. Pink is for girls, blue is for boys. The list could go on forever… we are so wrapped up in social gender stereotyping in this country – and a tonne of other countries too I guess – that we can basically gender specify everything from toys to food. The choice of how to be ‘gender neutral’ can go from disagreeing with gender categorising toys and colour of clothing or, in some ‘extreme’ gender neutral lifestyles, people have been known to have no issue with their male children wearing dresses or even refusing to tell their friends/family the gender of their baby, preferring not to ‘label’ them (you can read about one particular instance of totally gender-neutral parenting here).

Personally, I don’t agree with gender bias toys (there is a fantastic charity I follow called Let toys be toys, a concept I couldn’t agree with more), or stopping boys wearing pink/purple etc, however I don’t think I could live as totally gender neutral, my sons are my sons, my daughter is my daughter, I don’t want that to hold them back or put them ahead of anyone else, but that surely is a part of who they are and will define them in the future? I have no issues with colours of clothing, in fact I would have no issue with the boys wanting to dress as pixies, princesses or fairies (fairies can be dudes too!) but I draw the line at wearing articles of clothing, such as skirts or dresses, that have been historically relevant to the female gender – at least out of the house. Yes – I know that trousers were ‘just for males’ until relatively recently, so I am aware of what some may see as my own double standard, but you can chalk it up to my own stunted development thanks to a gender specific upbringing or just personal opinion, whichever you like!

Seriously though, as a mother of preschool aged boys I do find it so frustrating when I come up against stereotypes like pink kitchens, or dolls in a ‘girls’ section of toys. What are we afraid we are going to teach our boys by allowing them to play with kitchens? To be… what, a chef?! Or dolls for that matter? Are they going to grow into a… what?? A Daddy?? I hate to break it to you, chances are they ARE going to grow into a Daddy, and then they are going to have a whole lot of experience with a very noisy, very real ‘doll’. What is the big deal?

Further to clothes I find attitude towards to kids really frustrating too. The whole ‘Stop being a big girl’ increasing frustrating since having my daughter. Hearing it (and it’s often said to Reuben by friends and family) makes me cringe… like what exactly is a girlish behaviour? Care to explain? I just find the whole stereotype frustrating. What about the flip side of ‘man up’… something I’ve been guilty of saying myself, merely because it’s a norm to do so, without really thinking what I’m saying and the impact it has. Imagine this, you fall over and cry at four years old, you’re tired and taking it all a bit too dramatically and someone you look up to as an adult says this, ‘Oh come on, stop being such a girl and man up!’ What the hell? As an innocent four year old boy, what do you glean from that? I’ll tell what; that girls cry, so you (being male) shouldn’t no matter what – it’s not the done thing. You’re also given the (wrong) impression that men are strong, resilient and the ultimate achiever.

Do you see the issue with teaching our children this? And yet, we all do it without thinking!

I’ve also found, since having Edith, that I’m constantly bombarded with comments about how pretty she is, while the boys are clever. Now, I have to say I don’t mind the ‘pretty’ comments at all – I think it’s wrong to say we can’t call our daughters pretty or beautiful because it’s too gender focused and it’s praising the female for physical attributes, I honestly don’t see the issue with that – I love to be told I’m beautiful or pretty. I also love to be told I’m clever or inspiring… and that is where the issue lies. Tell my daughter she is beautiful, but remember to tell her she’s clever too. On the flip, tell my sons that they are brilliant and clever, but tell them they are handsome or beautiful too. it’s about a balance and remembering that children are blank canvas, upon which we paint the foundations of the person they will grow up to be.

So gender neutral or not? Do you find the whole gender specific stereotyping we have in this big old world frustrating, or do you agree with it?

Harriet Shearsmith

My name is Harriet, I am a mama to three wonderful kiddos, living in the North of England - though I'd really rather be in the South where things actually happen. I am a serious purveyor of all things boutique or stylish for children and I have a fundamental need to share this obsession with people on my blog Toby&Roo. I'm addicted to costa caramel lattes and chilli - though not at the same time, obvs. Oh, and I sometimes use the term obvs... sorry about that.

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