Greeting Grief with a Smile

Lauren Partington - 23 Nov 17

I lost my Dad almost 6 years ago… and I feel lucky.

I was 6 months pregnant when we received the shocking diagnosis of Dad’s terminal cancer and my son was only 7 months old when he died. I spent my maternity leave and the first months of my baby’s life watching my Dad die. He was 58. And I feel lucky….

Lucky that I had 30 glorious years with a cracker of a Dad. Lucky that he got to see his first grandchild born. Lucky that he did such a bloody brilliant parenting job (with my Mom) that I didn’t fall apart when he died. I wanted to, and at times I thought I would, but I didn’t. Because that gem of a man parented me (and my siblings) like a BOSS. Both my parents considered us kids as part of the team – we ate out together, we went on holidays together, we played together and we loved together. My memories of my childhood are picnics on the bed, days out at the park, barbecues and happiness.

They did something amazing for us: they listened to us, they loved us and they made time for us. Our problems were taken seriously, our lives were infinitely interesting to them and they made us feel wanted. An overarching memory of being a child is my Dad coming to apologise when he had shouted at us. This grown man, who was probably entirely justified in his frustration, made the first move to repair the rift in our relationship… teaching me that I was loveable, important and worthy. Showing me that making up was more important to him than his pride. That even as a small child, my feelings mattered to him. He wasn’t perfect, nor would I want him to be. But he was a fun, loving and generous father (and human being). We definitely had our moments of conflict but I was always safe in the knowledge that he loved me, unconditionally.

What a gift this parenting has given me:

a positive outlook on life, self-worth, confidence and resilience in spades. It is because of my parents that I can look at this devastating part of my life with gratitude. How I can think about my Dad’s death in terms of gratefulness and list all of the things I am so happy I had. It is because of them (and my lovely husband) that I could quit my job with nothing on the horizon, just so that I could chase happiness. It is because of them that I have been able to take a total leap of faith into a new world of work, believing that things always work out for me. It is because of them that I can bounce back from setbacks and keep on going. It is because of them that I derive great joy from living (a sometimes run of the mill) life without feeling the need to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.  It is because of them that I am able to have rewarding, loving relationships with the people in my life. It is because of them that family means everything to me. It is because of them that I trust my instincts when parenting my own children.

It is because of my parents and the hardships I have been through that I value parenting so highly. How we choose to act and interact on a daily basis with our children makes an impact. A long-lasting impact. Forget dealing with tantrums or getting them to stay in their beds at night. Forget manners and fussy eating. Forget all of those things that will work themselves out eventually anyway… are you parenting for the future? Are you setting your child up for a life of gratitude and positivity? Are you instilling values that will see them through the (inevitable) dark times?  YOU can give your child the gift of mental and psychological wellbeing. YOU can give them the ability to develop rewarding relationships. YOU can nurture their brains in such a way that they can cope with stress in a healthy, effective way for the rest of their lives. YOU can help develop the kind of qualities that will go a long way to helping your children have a happy life.

And it isn’t hard. So why aren’t we all doing it? Why aren’t we all making this a priority when raising our children? We can all see the pain and suffering that goes on in our world, the pain caused by other human beings for the most part. We can all see the epidemic of mental illness in our young people. The pressures of social media. The challenges that our children will face that we couldn’t even fathom 20 years ago. It’s as plain as day so why aren’t we doing anything?

Why is it seen as being soft or indulgent to treat our children with respect? Why do we demand punishments for young children who are still learning how to behave in our world? Why are we so worried about what others think of us that we cannot bear to be brave and stand up for our kids? We owe this to our children. It is every child’s right to be given this kind of parenting, it shouldn’t just be the lucky ones who get it.

All it takes is a bit of education and a lot of love. Learn a bit about your child’s brain. Find out what is normal for their age and adjust your expectations. Understand that responding with love and compassion (particularly during the difficult moments) literally wires the brain in a way that will benefit them for life. And then, just be good enough. You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to always get it right. Respond to your individual child in a way that feels good to both of you. These little people are our future and I know what kind of future I want for my own little people. It involves human kindness, compassion and empathy. That is where happiness lies.

That is what I am most grateful for when I look back at my childhood – not the stuff but the time. The unconditional love. The affection. The comfort. The feeling of belonging. That is what is going to support your children when you are no longer there. It is what supports me whenever I think of my Dad.

Lauren Partington

www.parentingsense.org

Lauren Partington

I am a Mum, teacher and CalmFamily consultant. I'm passionate about empowering parents to parent in the way that feels right to them through offering evidence based research on child development and support in all things parenting.

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