Guilt cotton wool, worries and a poonami

Kiki Green - 23 May 16

I just shouted at my 21 month old daughter. Not content with disabling my iPhone she threw it with force against the hardwood floor as I made her a boiled egg.

I really shouted at her – raising my voice to her more than I’ve ever done. I instantly felt awful.

Her face bewildered, she looked at me forlorn and confused.

Guilt pang number one of the day.

I’ve had at least one guilt pang a day since she was born and I’m having them more and more since she seems to have entered the terrible twos stage somewhat prematurely.

Throwing everything despite being told repeatedly not to, scratching the leather furniture if she doesn’t get her own way or doesn’t want her nappy changed, lashing out to hit my face… You get the picture.

A childhood friend gave birth last week. I texted her to find out when she’d be leaving hospital with her first born and the reply was laden with worry about was he drinking enough. She felt guilty because she was struggling with breastfeeding – pretty much like every new mum with their first born 24 hours in!

While I’ve come to realise that feeling guilty and being a mum seem to go hand in hand, of late, I’m getting a bit hung up on and wrapped up in my increasing guilty feelings. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night, so I invested in a new touché Eclait today. YSL’s special edition had a special message on the side that was somewhat timely, it reads: no need to sleep!

So, we went through donor egg IVF to have our daughter – she was born on cycle three. Since then we’ve had two more failed fresh cycles in a bid to achieve a sibling for her.

Three major guilt pangs from this: firstly, I feel guilty that I’ll have to have a lifelong dialogue with my little girl about how we’re not genetically related. Is that fair? I can reason -when feeling particularly neurotic – not.

Secondly, during these last cycles I’ve not been as attentive a mummy to her. Frightened to lift her incase it compromised the chances of it working. I know she noticed a difference.

Thirdly, as a result of our painful journey through IVF I’ve probably wrapped her in cotton wool a bit. I didn’t go back to work because I couldn’t bear to leave her and because of the donor egg stating point I want her to know that I spent her formative years with her. So, unlike most toddlers her age, she’s not gone to nursery.

Now I feel I’m not enough for her and she needs more stimulation and to socialise more with other toddlers. Maybe I mollycoddled her too much. Ongoing guilt pang there that I soothe by taking her to classes at least twice a week.

I realise I’m giving myself a hard time – naval gazing a bit too much – perhaps anally retentive.

My reply to my school friend with her worries over her newborns milk intake reassured her that the early days are a haze of sleep deprivation and worries and that boob or bottle he’d be fine.

The subtext of my reply was don’t worry, enjoy it, being a mum is amazing and tiny humans are fabulous and hey, who needs sleep anyway!

Just to be clear… the terrible two tantrums and attitude are NOT amazing! And while we’re on the subject, neither are poonamis!

Partway through my blog – one occurred.

My daughter undid her nappy through her playsuit and large stools escaped down legs, onto socks and carpet.

I had to laugh. My daughter taught me a not so subtle lesson not to be so anally retentive and hung up on guilt.

I guess I really should have just taken my own advice to my school friend in the first place and give myself a break on the feelings of guilt.

In fact we’re all just doing our bloody best to bring up well rounded children so clearly guilt free parenting – whatever form that may take is clearly the way forward. It might help you avoid a poonami and you might get more much needed sleep if you just worried a little bit less!

Kiki Green

36 - mum of one post premature menopause thanks to a lovely donor! Currently a full time mummy to my daughter - would love a sibling for her, formerly in TV, radio and comms. Future??? Loves chocolate a g&t and to laugh!

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