Halloween, scary? Try grocery shopping at 3:58pm on a Sunday…

Tetyana Denford - 31 Oct 17

Let’s get real, people. Halloween isn’t scary when you compare it to some other stuff. Celts started this tradition because on All Hallow’s Eve, the end of the harvest and the beginning of their New Year, they believed that the worlds of the living and the dead become blurred and that the undead come and mingle with us to remind us of human death and decrepitness. Which, if you’re a knackered mother on her last dregs of vodka and scraping the bottom of her sanity, this isn’t at all creepy… it makes TOTAL sense. We see zombies and we’re all “Hey girlfriend! Pull up a chair and let me pour you a margarita, you look exhausted. I feel you. And that foundation is doing nothing for your tone, honey.” Death (or at least a short stay in the mental hospital) would be a peaceful break, kind of like a slightly more permanent spa weekend. Dramatic comparison? Yes. But you *know* you’re all nodding along.
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So, I’ll list 15 things that are scarier than Halloween..
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1. When couples call each other nicknames like “big daddy” or “sugar pie”. No. Stop.
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2. Hearing ‘Muuuuuuum, I think he just ate…’ whilst you’re in the shower, mid-shampoo.
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3. Your husband leaving for a two-week trip, at the same time as your in-laws leave for holiday.
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4. A hangover on the school run. Or at a kids’ birthday party.
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5. Wearing white trousers and realising that your period is due and you have no supplies.
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6. No alcohol in the house.*
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7. Talking about school placements with competitive parents.
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8. Checking your bank balance.
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9. Being an American right now.
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10. Mumsnet.
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11. Those leather shoes that some businessmen wear that are so long, that they curl up at the toes like elf feet. Men. Please. For the love of humanity. BURN THEM.
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12. Topshop legitimately trying to sell SEE-THROUGH PLASTIC TROUSERS.
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13. Seeing Quality Street in stores already.
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14. Checking to see if a nappy is full and your finger sinking straight into steamy poo.
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15. Stonewashed high-rise jeans. Seriously. WTF. Terrifying.
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*who am I kidding, this has never happened.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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