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Handover day

1
By far and away the saddest day of my week is handover day, the day I wave my children off to school in the knowledge that I won’t be seeing them for another four days. I drive home and I feel a deep wave of emotion consume me, even if I don’t consciously think about it, I feel irritable, moody and incredibly sad.

 

My children aren’t aware that I’m feeling this way, I talk to them about what a wonderful time they’ll be having with their Daddy, it might be his turn to take them kickboxing or they might pop in to see their wonderful

SelfishMother.com
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Nanny. I always keep it positive for them, no matter how I feel. I do, however tell my children that I will miss them, I want them to know this. Sometimes they’ll say it first and other rimes they’ll say it in response to me. Occasionally they’ll want to stay with instead of going to their Daddy’s house, just as they occasionally want to stay with him instead of coming to mine. Either way, really tugs on my heart strings.

 

As a parent, you’re meant to be woken by your children in the morning, have them pour into bed for cuddles,

SelfishMother.com
3
there’s an unwritten rule, that you physically cannot go to bed without sneaking a peak at your child blissfully sleeping, stealing a kiss on their cheek or sweeping their hair out of their eyes. So not being able to do this feels like I’m missing part of my heart.

 

I value each and every single moment with my children, so much more than I ever did pre divorce, and for that I feel truly blessed.

 

When Dominic and I lived in the same house, bedtime often felt like a chore “I’ve done bed time every night this week, can you do it

SelfishMother.com
4
please” or I’d prefer to catch up on some sleep rather than do the school run for the fifth time that week.

 

Now I co-parent my children, I don’t want to miss out on the school run, it feels like a treat. I set my alarm for 20 minutes earlier on a school morning so that I can play Sylvanian Families with Holly before she goes to school, I plan craft projects I can do with Jack and I like to read them an extra story at bedtime.

 

I know, to my core, that I’m a better parent now, because I finally believe I am good enough and

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5
occasionally I believe that I’m awesome.

 

When looking at life through my rose-tinted glasses, I wonder why I couldn’t have it all, the marriage that worked and the appreciation for every single second with my children. The realist part of my personality knows that (for me) this isn’t possible, but it’s something I replay in the head-game of “I should have tried harder in my marriage”

 

I consider myself incredibly fortunate that I fell head over heals in love with my children the second I met them both, but I took their

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6
presence for granted as they grew. Although I will always wish I could spend every day with them, I feel grateful that I have been able to appreciate their presence on a deeper level, in all honesty I don’t think could have found this type of connection with them without going through a divorce.

 

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- 20 Mar 19

By far and away the saddest day of my week is handover day, the day I wave my children off to school in the knowledge that I won’t be seeing them for another four days. I drive home and I feel a deep wave of emotion consume me, even if I don’t consciously think about it, I feel irritable, moody and incredibly sad.

 

My children aren’t aware that I’m feeling this way, I talk to them about what a wonderful time they’ll be having with their Daddy, it might be his turn to take them kickboxing or they might pop in to see their wonderful Nanny. I always keep it positive for them, no matter how I feel. I do, however tell my children that I will miss them, I want them to know this. Sometimes they’ll say it first and other rimes they’ll say it in response to me. Occasionally they’ll want to stay with instead of going to their Daddy’s house, just as they occasionally want to stay with him instead of coming to mine. Either way, really tugs on my heart strings.

 

As a parent, you’re meant to be woken by your children in the morning, have them pour into bed for cuddles, there’s an unwritten rule, that you physically cannot go to bed without sneaking a peak at your child blissfully sleeping, stealing a kiss on their cheek or sweeping their hair out of their eyes. So not being able to do this feels like I’m missing part of my heart.

 

I value each and every single moment with my children, so much more than I ever did pre divorce, and for that I feel truly blessed.

 

When Dominic and I lived in the same house, bedtime often felt like a chore “I’ve done bed time every night this week, can you do it please” or I’d prefer to catch up on some sleep rather than do the school run for the fifth time that week.

 

Now I co-parent my children, I don’t want to miss out on the school run, it feels like a treat. I set my alarm for 20 minutes earlier on a school morning so that I can play Sylvanian Families with Holly before she goes to school, I plan craft projects I can do with Jack and I like to read them an extra story at bedtime.

 

I know, to my core, that I’m a better parent now, because I finally believe I am good enough and occasionally I believe that I’m awesome.

 

When looking at life through my rose-tinted glasses, I wonder why I couldn’t have it all, the marriage that worked and the appreciation for every single second with my children. The realist part of my personality knows that (for me) this isn’t possible, but it’s something I replay in the head-game of “I should have tried harder in my marriage”

 

I consider myself incredibly fortunate that I fell head over heals in love with my children the second I met them both, but I took their presence for granted as they grew. Although I will always wish I could spend every day with them, I feel grateful that I have been able to appreciate their presence on a deeper level, in all honesty I don’t think could have found this type of connection with them without going through a divorce.

 

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