Have I got ADHD?

Jess Helicopter - 12 Apr 22

Have you been seeing a lot of posts about adult ADHD and how it presents in women? How it presents so differently to boys and can be masked so much that many women are only now just discovering they have it? It’s very possible you can’t relate at all to what I am writing. You may not have seen any posts about adult ADHD and you definitely don’t relate to the characteristics. The wonder of the algorithm!

According to MY newsfeed of Instagram, TikTok and Facebook, almost every adult woman I know is seeking or has got an ADHD diagnosis. How could it be that prevalent and so badly missed by medical science? *Hollow laugh* I mean, we know the answer to that don’t we? #womensproblems

One of the things about ADHD is that people diagnosed have lower levels of dopamine, the reward-pleasure chemical. And one way of seeking dopamine hits is social media. So, my chicken/egg situation with “how have I suddenly got loads of friends with ADHD” is now clearer. It’s those of us who endlessly scroll, like, share and gorge on memes for the sweet dopamine vibes who are most likely to be posting about it too. A big chunk of my real-life friends have no social media and if they do, they aren’t on there 24/7. And they most definitely aren’t diagnosed with ADHD.

So, after reading more memes and watching more TikTok’s where I was like OMG THAT’S ME! I began to think maybe I should consider it. A podcast that stood out for me was Shappi Khorsandi talking about going to festivals and staying to the bitter end. This was a light bulb for me. I have actually told several counsellor’s that I was always the last one standing and I “never wanted the party to end”. I would drink bully people to staying up with me all night because I just didn’t want the fun to stop.

I had initially dismissed a potential diagnosis because one of the main characteristics of ADHD is disorganisation/messiness. I am super organised and tidy. I have lists/budgets/calendars and a paper diary that I manually fill every year. I write down all the kids school things eg when they need to wear a green jumper for “football saves lives” or whatever the school have got their begging bowl out for that week. But was I “masking?!”

The more I read the more I thought… hold up! Could this be the reason why at the ripe old age of 45 I’ve never had anything remotely resembling a relevant career? The thought that it might not be all my fault that I felt useless, lazy and shit in school and eternally embarrassed about the fact that I’ve never managed to work in a field remotely related to my degree. The relief actually made me cry.

So, then I wrote a list of other ways I could relate to the symptoms and reader, it was long.

I decided to take the plunge and went for a referral. Filled in a huge questionnaire (as did my parents), it took me a week to fill in because, you know, concentration is a bust! I ended up writing 3k plus words.

And they wrote back within 2 weeks to tell me they weren’t sending me for an assessment. BUMMER.

I was gutted. I mean, I understand. The NHS is under huge pressure. They don’t have the money to send everyone who decides they’ve got a “diagnosis from Facebook” through a costly assessment process. Especially when there are people who really need extra support. I just wanted to be told I’m not shit. I don’t want medication and I don’t know how a diagnosis would help me going forward other than boosting my self-esteem.

But. One of the things I am the worst for is labels. It helps my brain sort out the world into understandable bits. But this is a very black and white approach. There is nuance in everything. So, I don’t have a label for myself and my weird ways. Ok. Now I need to just accept it and move on. And I am definitely not watching ADHD TikTok’s right now….

Jess Helicopter

Jess is a wine-addled, social media tart, feminist (does this need to be said?!) and chronic over sharer. She lives in Cardiff with her husband, children and some cats. Half heartedly trying to carve out a career by fancying herself as a bit of writer.

View profile for posts, events and more info