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Having A Baby For The Right Reasons

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‘I don’t know what to do so I think I’ll have another baby,’ a good friend said to me recently.

We’d met for a coffee and were having the intense and exhausting conversations women do when they have a small amount of time and lots of ground to cover. She was unsure about whether to follow her passion and start her own business or remain in a job that paid well but wasn’t her bag.

‘I think I’ll stop taking contraception and see what happens,’ she continued, ‘Maybe I’m too old anyway.’

It was strange as I’d had a similar

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conversation with another friend who was also playing the same kind of fertility roulette.

‘I’m either going to start my cake business or have one more child,’ she’d said.

‘But your two are so independent,’ I’d said. ‘Do you really want to go back to that phase again?’ I asked.

She’d looked pensive for a minute as the sleep deprivation, messy days and sore boobs flashed before her eyes.

Needless to a couple of months on and she’d abandoned the cake business idea.

I’ve noticed that your late thirties and early

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forties can be a difficult time. In fact there are many difficult times for women. But when you get to ‘sort of middle age but not quite because we’re all young till we’re seventy now’ you have far fewer illusions. You feel more confident and less tolerant of time wasters but you know that life isn’t going to change radically. At work you’re taken more seriously but since kids your perspective shifts and everything matters less (this isn’t true for all women. Some go ape-shit at work after children). But essentially it’s the time when you
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have to bite the bullet. You either become the cake guru, author, restaurant critic, food blogger that you always wanted to be or… have another child.

It makes me angry that having a child is seen as an alternative to women reaching their full potential. Have another child because you are PASSIONATE about having more children. Have one because you LOVE KIDS and want to be surrounded by as many as possible. Have one because it’s WHAT YOU REALLY WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Don’t do it because you can’t decide what else you want.

Part of my

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attitude is probably shaped by the fact that I’m older and the decision to have more kids has been made already (i.e. it ain’t going to happen). Maybe I’m feeling some jealousy because other women can be so flippant and off-hand about whether they have more or not. I’d probably like to be able to decide on a whim. But it’s also the fact that I’m convinced women really hit their stride in their late thirties and early forties. It may be the phase of life when you realise your limitations but it’s also the one where you get the greater sense
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of urgency. If you don’t do it now then you probably never will. There are also fewer inner demons/insecurities holding her back (hopefully anyway).

‘The only way to keep a woman happy is to keep her barefoot and pregnant’ a famous Kansas doctor said in the early twentieth century. He meant that women should have as many babies as they can when they’re able to and shouldn’t work outside the family home. Contraception offered women choice. It allowed them to start thinking about what they really wanted out of life rather than being stuck as

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caregivers forever.

When you’re properly old (when is this now? Eighty perhaps?) you’ll regret not having had a go at achieving your dream. If that dream is having more kids – wonderful.

But make sure you’re not doing it at the expense of the important stuff i.e. you.

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- 21 Oct 15

‘I don’t know what to do so I think I’ll have another baby,’ a good friend said to me recently.

We’d met for a coffee and were having the intense and exhausting conversations women do when they have a small amount of time and lots of ground to cover. She was unsure about whether to follow her passion and start her own business or remain in a job that paid well but wasn’t her bag.

‘I think I’ll stop taking contraception and see what happens,’ she continued, ‘Maybe I’m too old anyway.’

It was strange as I’d had a similar conversation with another friend who was also playing the same kind of fertility roulette.

‘I’m either going to start my cake business or have one more child,’ she’d said.

‘But your two are so independent,’ I’d said. ‘Do you really want to go back to that phase again?’ I asked.

She’d looked pensive for a minute as the sleep deprivation, messy days and sore boobs flashed before her eyes.

Needless to a couple of months on and she’d abandoned the cake business idea.

I’ve noticed that your late thirties and early forties can be a difficult time. In fact there are many difficult times for women. But when you get to ‘sort of middle age but not quite because we’re all young till we’re seventy now’ you have far fewer illusions. You feel more confident and less tolerant of time wasters but you know that life isn’t going to change radically. At work you’re taken more seriously but since kids your perspective shifts and everything matters less (this isn’t true for all women. Some go ape-shit at work after children). But essentially it’s the time when you have to bite the bullet. You either become the cake guru, author, restaurant critic, food blogger that you always wanted to be or… have another child.

It makes me angry that having a child is seen as an alternative to women reaching their full potential. Have another child because you are PASSIONATE about having more children. Have one because you LOVE KIDS and want to be surrounded by as many as possible. Have one because it’s WHAT YOU REALLY WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Don’t do it because you can’t decide what else you want.

Part of my attitude is probably shaped by the fact that I’m older and the decision to have more kids has been made already (i.e. it ain’t going to happen). Maybe I’m feeling some jealousy because other women can be so flippant and off-hand about whether they have more or not. I’d probably like to be able to decide on a whim. But it’s also the fact that I’m convinced women really hit their stride in their late thirties and early forties. It may be the phase of life when you realise your limitations but it’s also the one where you get the greater sense of urgency. If you don’t do it now then you probably never will. There are also fewer inner demons/insecurities holding her back (hopefully anyway).

‘The only way to keep a woman happy is to keep her barefoot and pregnant’ a famous Kansas doctor said in the early twentieth century. He meant that women should have as many babies as they can when they’re able to and shouldn’t work outside the family home. Contraception offered women choice. It allowed them to start thinking about what they really wanted out of life rather than being stuck as caregivers forever.

When you’re properly old (when is this now? Eighty perhaps?) you’ll regret not having had a go at achieving your dream. If that dream is having more kids – wonderful.

But make sure you’re not doing it at the expense of the important stuff i.e. you.

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I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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