Having kids really made me really appreciate abortion*

rachael roberts - 17 Oct 17

*safe, legal, free abortion

I am a 42 year old woman who has had two babies, three miscarriages and one abortion. I have many friends who have terminated unwanted pregnancies (there’s plenty of us around – around a third of women in their 40’s have had at least one abortion). I have several friends who have struggled with fertility problems and IVF. I know a little bit about wanting and not wanting babies.

When I was 20 I found myself pregnant for the first time. It was not planned. I didn’t want a baby at that point in my life. Neither did the totally unsuitable boyfriend. I arranged a termination. My abortion was quick and easy to organise through my GP. It was safe and, very importantly for a student, free. Aside from a few drunken ramblings, that was that. My termination barely crossed my mind. I split up with the boyfriend and moved on to an equally unsuitable boy (nb: unsuitable boys ok in your 20’s, less so in your 30s).

Life moved on…. The Hacienda closed, Oasis split up, Tony Blair turned out to be a bit of a wanker, E’s got a bit rubbish, everyone got a mobile phone, Facebook took over the world – and inadvertently got me pregnant again almost 20 years later (long story..). This time I gave birth. I had a boy.

In the following weeks, wrapped up in love with this tiny, squidgy new born, my first pregnancy did pop into my head. Did I feel the sadness, regret, guilt that someone advised (unsolicited) I would probably feel if I eventually had kids? On the contrary, having a baby made me realise just how uncharacteristically sensible I had been. While I know there are plenty of mature, head-screwed-on, 20 year old parents out there doing a fantastic job, I would not have been one of them. Besides not wanting a baby at that time, actually having a baby made me realise that I, along with the equally useless boyfriend, would have been an absolute disaster as parents. I make no apologies for that. It’s perfectly acceptable to be useless in your 20s (nb: also less acceptable by the time you’re in your 30’s). My kids deserve better than I would ever have offered them at that point.

While I’m no great shakes as a parent now, I do (generally) remember to feed and clean them. I am (fairly) emotionally and financially stable. I am able (most of the time) to put their needs before mine. They have an amazing father (all respect to single parents, I don’t know how you do it – you are fucking awesome) And…. my children were really, really wanted. I was ready (as much as you can be) for this. My oldest child was a ‘surprise’, yet there was no question as to whether I would be keeping this baby. My son was loved and cherished from the second we saw that blue line (and probably a couple of minutes before).

After my son tested positive for Cystic Fibrosis, my immediate reaction was that we would not be having any more children – as my partner and I were, unknowingly until this point, carriers of CF, any further children would have a 1 in 4 chance of having the condition. Although many people go on to have more than one child with CF, our decision was not to. When I was advised I could have genetic testing should I become pregnant again, with the option of termination should that foetus test positive, the possibility of more children was back on the table. So we got pregnant again and opted for the genetic testing. This was not without its share of soul searching.  There were complicated emotions around my son given that I am eternally grateful that we were not aware of his condition until after he was born- because, yes, there is every chance that I would not have continued with that pregnancy. There is little wide-eyed joy in getting pregnant when you know you may not keep that baby. Waiting the two days for test results was endless. My test was negative. I know that without being given that option we would not have our amazing daughter. I was given an opportunity denied to many.

Like most parents, I love my kids with an intensity that can be hard to fathom, but parenthood can also be tedious, exhausting, scary, and hit-your-head-against-a-brick-wall-and-where’s-the-frigging-wine frustrating (and I desperately wanted mine!). I can’t contemplate how terrifying it must be to have an unwanted pregnancy without access to a safe, legal, affordable termination.

I have taken the availability of abortion for granted throughout my life. I have considered it my right. Only recently I became aware that abortion is not legal in the UK but they can be performed under certain conditions – the first is that continuing with the pregnancy involves a greater risk to the physical or mental health of the woman, or her existing children, than having a termination. I, and every other woman in the UK (bar Northern Ireland) require two doctors to agree that a woman is ‘unfit’ for motherhood. Without a doubt this is just a technicality, interpreted liberally to allow abortion on demand, but it still doesn’t seem quite good enough for me.

Perhaps that seems churlish given that around 25% of the world’s population re-side in 66 countries with laws prohibiting abortion entirely or unless the mother’s life is in danger. Many more live in countries with harsh, restrictive abortion laws (including Northern Ireland where thousands of protesters marched for a change in the law a couple of weeks ago). Countries where women die, harm themselves, or just have a really shit time from continuing with pregnancies that were not wanted.

Churlish or not, should my daughter or any woman, find themselves not wanting to continue a pregnancy, for whatever reason, I don’t want them to be requesting a termination. I want them to be demanding one. Demanding the right to choose what to do with their body. To know that no reason is more or less valid than another. Sometimes there are no easy answers and a million shades of grey, but at the end of the day it is their body, and my body, and my daughter’s body, and no matter how hard (or easy) those decisions, they are ours alone to take.

rachael roberts

Florist, business owner, mum to two, regular runner, frequent drinker. Swapped the bright (ish) lights of London in 2013 ,after the birth of my son, for a couple of acres in Scotland - chickens, ducks, veggie patch, more babies - all a bit "Good Life" with more internet shopping... www.cfbaby.co.uk

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