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Having kids… Why do we bother?

1
Motherhood is HARD! Any Mother who swears she hasn’t at some point thought to herself; “I have made a catastrophic error and fucked up my own existence“, is a big old bullshitter.

Kids get up early. Like stupidly early. They have zero respect for hangovers/periods/exhaustion.

Kids have no understanding of ‘alone time’. After your first kid becomes a toddler, you won’t get to take a shit on your own for many years.

Kids are loud. “Mam; why does that lady have a beard?” they screech. Don’t try to ignore them or fob them

SelfishMother.com
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off though. They will only repeat their question with increasing volume. Put your big girl pants on and answer them; “It’s hormones son. She’s got too much testosterone.“

Kids are expensive. They insist on growing and needing new school shoes/football boots/coats when you would much prefer to spend all your money in Topshop.

Kids are naughty. Reeeally fucking naughty. They shave their own heads with Bic razors then deny it.

Kids are messy. They open cupboards and drawers and throw out the contents; though you repeatedly

SelfishMother.com
3
explain to them that this is damaging your mental health. They get skiddies in their underpants and leave those underpants on your bed.

Kids are selfish. They care not that you are on the phone to your boss; they want to go to the park and it must happen this instant. Otherwise you’re risking a dirty protest on your lovely new cream carpet.

Kids are unreasonable. They will lose their shit if you serve them scrambled eggs; even though you’ve regularly seen them eat scrambled eggs.  Jeez woman… they have never liked scrambled eggs you

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FOOL.

Kids kill your social life. I sit here writing this abusive tirade on a Saturday night watching some God-awful reality show. I should be at a hen do tonight but no; here I am; babysitting my own kid. Unpaid.

Kids are dirty. You have to clean their actual arses for the first two years of their lives at least. They eat their ear wax, bite their toe nails and try to sniff their own genitals. True fucking story.

Kids make you vulnerable. You love them so intensely that the threat of anything happening to them can send you into some

SelfishMother.com
5
dark,terrifying places in your mind.

So why does anybody opt in to this insanity!? First timers can be excused. They can’t be blamed for thinking babies are cute. They’re the equivalent of the first-time house buyer. Snapping up the gorgeous cottage with roses round the door;. blind to the cracks in the ceiling; the dry rot in the floor boards and the fact that the place needs a rewire.

But the repeat offenders!? The ones who know what they’re getting into and still choose to have a second kid… or, God forbid, a third… a FOURTH!?

Is it

SelfishMother.com
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just so that they have back-ups to look after them in their old age? You know; in case the first child moves to Vietnam or something? It’s got to be more than that?

All I can say is; my kids are the only addiction I’ve ever had. They are the crack for my soul (there’s a strong chance one day they’ll drive me to actual crack). The very things that send me demented are the things that fill me with a deep sense of calm and belonging that I never imagined I’d have.

There’s not a love affair like it. Let’s face it if any man was as

SelfishMother.com
7
much of a dick to us as our kids are; they’d be kicked to the kerb quicker than Beyoncé could say “To the left, to the left.”

Sure there are moments where I scream at them. But for each of those moments there’s another where I want to inhale them, squeeze them, freeze them in time so they will always need me as much as today.

Motherhood: it’s a job unlike any other. The day-to-day perks are pretty shit on the whole, but long term the benefits package is bloody wonderful.

 

*** If you enjoyed this post I would love you to check

SelfishMother.com
8
out my Facebook page ’Pearls of Kiddom’ , or on Instagram I’m @pearlsofkiddom
SelfishMother.com
PearlsofKiddom

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- 1 Apr 19

Motherhood is HARD! Any Mother who swears she hasn’t at some point thought to herself; “I have made a catastrophic error and fucked up my own existence“, is a big old bullshitter.

  • Kids get up early. Like stupidly early. They have zero respect for hangovers/periods/exhaustion.
  • Kids have no understanding of ‘alone time’. After your first kid becomes a toddler, you won’t get to take a shit on your own for many years.
  • Kids are loud. “Mam; why does that lady have a beard?” they screech. Don’t try to ignore them or fob them off though. They will only repeat their question with increasing volume. Put your big girl pants on and answer them; “It’s hormones son. She’s got too much testosterone.
  • Kids are expensive. They insist on growing and needing new school shoes/football boots/coats when you would much prefer to spend all your money in Topshop.
  • Kids are naughty. Reeeally fucking naughty. They shave their own heads with Bic razors then deny it.

  • Kids are messy. They open cupboards and drawers and throw out the contents; though you repeatedly explain to them that this is damaging your mental health. They get skiddies in their underpants and leave those underpants on your bed.
  • Kids are selfish. They care not that you are on the phone to your boss; they want to go to the park and it must happen this instant. Otherwise you’re risking a dirty protest on your lovely new cream carpet.
  • Kids are unreasonable. They will lose their shit if you serve them scrambled eggs; even though you’ve regularly seen them eat scrambled eggs.  Jeez woman… they have never liked scrambled eggs you FOOL.
  • Kids kill your social life. I sit here writing this abusive tirade on a Saturday night watching some God-awful reality show. I should be at a hen do tonight but no; here I am; babysitting my own kid. Unpaid.
  • Kids are dirty. You have to clean their actual arses for the first two years of their lives at least. They eat their ear wax, bite their toe nails and try to sniff their own genitals. True fucking story.
  • Kids make you vulnerable. You love them so intensely that the threat of anything happening to them can send you into some dark,terrifying places in your mind.

So why does anybody opt in to this insanity!? First timers can be excused. They can’t be blamed for thinking babies are cute. They’re the equivalent of the first-time house buyer. Snapping up the gorgeous cottage with roses round the door;. blind to the cracks in the ceiling; the dry rot in the floor boards and the fact that the place needs a rewire.

But the repeat offenders!? The ones who know what they’re getting into and still choose to have a second kid… or, God forbid, a third… a FOURTH!?

Is it just so that they have back-ups to look after them in their old age? You know; in case the first child moves to Vietnam or something? It’s got to be more than that?

All I can say is; my kids are the only addiction I’ve ever had. They are the crack for my soul (there’s a strong chance one day they’ll drive me to actual crack). The very things that send me demented are the things that fill me with a deep sense of calm and belonging that I never imagined I’d have.

There’s not a love affair like it. Let’s face it if any man was as much of a dick to us as our kids are; they’d be kicked to the kerb quicker than Beyoncé could say “To the left, to the left.”

Sure there are moments where I scream at them. But for each of those moments there’s another where I want to inhale them, squeeze them, freeze them in time so they will always need me as much as today.

Motherhood: it’s a job unlike any other. The day-to-day perks are pretty shit on the whole, but long term the benefits package is bloody wonderful.

 

*** If you enjoyed this post I would love you to check out my Facebook page ‘Pearls of Kiddom’ , or on Instagram I’m @pearlsofkiddom

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PearlsofKiddom

Frazzled, frantic mother of three little boys. We live on the north east coast and I blog about the ridiculous minutiae of our everyday lives. I know everyone reckons their kids are funny...but seriously...mine are the funniest. If you enjoy my blogs, there are loads more little snippets of craziness (at the expense of my unsuspecting husband and kids) over on www.facebook.com/pearlsofkiddom Hope to see you there :)!x

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