Helping Children Cope with Divorce: What to Tell Your Kids

Tracey Clayton - 12 Jun 17

As a parent, you have an opportunity to set the tone for how your kids are going to cope with your divorce. It’s only natural for little ones to want their parents to stay together forever and having to dash that dream is never easy.

No matter where you are in the process – whether you’ve already told your kids about the divorce or they’re yet to find out, you could definitely use all the help you can get. My best friend went through a divorce a couple of years ago and some of the things she has said to her little ones made it much easier for them to cope with our divorce. Listed below are 4 things I believe you should definitely say to your kids once you know for sure you and your partner are separating.

It’s not your fault

Kids often tend to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. This is quite natural, since they’re searching for answers and looking inward is one of the first things they’ll do in order to find them. Also, the way they perceive things can be unpredictable, and they might even start blaming themselves for completely insignificant things. For example, when my friend was going through the divorce, her son overheard her and her ex-husband arguing about who’s going to pick him up from school that day and kept blaming himself for that. Of course, their issues had absolutely nothing to do with him and she still reminds him of that quite often.

Parents show their love in different ways

No matter what’s the reason why you’re getting a divorce, it’s very important that your kids know both you and your ex-partner love them. Little ones tend to question this which leads to them starting to quantify and compare the actions of both of their parents. This is never a good idea and it’ll be up to you to make sure your kids know that both of their parents love them the same, And even if you or your ex-partner doesn’t see them that often, you should still tell them that parents show their love in many different ways that none of these scenarios indicate how much their parents love them.

Turning to outside support is alright

As parents, we often think we know the best how our kids are feeling. Now, this may not always be the case, especially if your kids’ perception of the situation is being irrational. Also, they may not want to tell you exactly how they feel and that’s why you should encourage them to turn to outside support if necessary. And no matter who that is – other family members, friends, or therapist, talking about the problem will help your kids cope with your divorce as much as possible. So, just don’t forget to tell them that the help is out there and it’s up to them to ask for it. My friend’s son used to talk about this problem with me and I like to think that it were our conversations that helped him get through it.

Your relationship with each of your parents doesn’t depend on the other

Another thing many kids do is form a much closer relationship with one of the parents which leads them to be angry at the other one. Only by telling your kids that their relationship with each of their parents doesn’t depend on on how their parents feel about each other will you help them get ready to start coping with your divorce. It’s also very important that you find a good child custody lawyer who will help you come up with the exact time you or your ex-husband will be able to see the kids.

Make sure you say all of these things and coping with your divorce will be much easier for your kids. Also, be there for them and be ready to talk about any similar problems they might be experiencing.

Tracey Clayton

View profile for posts, events and more info