How mindfulness helped me to deal with grief

Kelly Gaston - 25 Sep 18

It can be so hard when you experience the loss of a loved one. Whether it’s expected or not, it’s still one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to experience. I’d like to share my own experience, and how I used mindfulness to help me cope, so that you can adopt these tools if you need to.

My father was ill for a couple of years but we never quite got to the bottom of the health conditions he had. In April 2018, after several scans, he was diagnosed with grade 4 lung cancer.  Hearing the news was devastating, yet somehow my 79-year-old father took it all in his stride.

From the day he was diagnosed, he said ‘I accept what comes my way and I’ll let go of what I can’t control’. He went on to tell us what an amazing life he’d had and what a wonderful family he has. He explained that he was happy with his lot, and if he went tomorrow then he accepted that. Somehow, he understood and accepted the life cycle that we’re all aware of, with dignity, courage and strength.

This is an approach he’s always adopted in life and it’s stood him in good stead. He’s passed on these life skills to us as daughters and I’m eternally grateful for that.

The weeks passed by quickly and he suddenly became very ill and within a matter of weeks he sadly passed away. Luckily, he was at home with my mum. He’d made the decision a few days earlier that he wanted to go home to die, and while it was hard to hear that, we understood what he needed.

My father’s death was devastating, as he played such a huge role my life and our wider family. He was such a positive role model and I was unsure how life could go on in the same way without him. After he passed, I turned to my mindfulness toolbox to help me deal with the grief.

Mindfulness is based on the concept of impermanence. This is an idea that has helped me to deal with many of life’s challenges – it’s brought me so much comfort knowing that nothing is forever. So many people value permanence, meaning they often live in the past or future rather than the present moment. I know because that was me too! However, once we grasp the concept of impermanence and accept it then we allow ourselves to not only live in the present moment, but also to become more aware of what’s happening for us right in that moment; the thoughts we experience, the physical sensations (anxiety, fast heartbeat, pain etc.) and our behaviours associated with these feelings.

Mindfulness reminds us that pain and sorrow, like everything else, is impermanent. Over time, grief will change and our feelings, thoughts and physical sensations will change too. This doesn’t mean that it will completely go away, but it enables us to observe the impermanence of the feelings. We can start observing, noticing and accepting our grief for what it really is, along with the small changes that occur in our everyday experiences.

Compassion and kindness are embedded in the ethos of mindfulness and are not a pillar in their own right, but are embodied in everything. When experiencing grief, it can be hard to be compassionate towards ourselves, but it’s vital to treat ourselves with the same kindness and support that we would show to a good friend. Life can be challenging at times and we all experience hardship, struggles, failures and loss. Self-compassion enables us to respond to these situations with kindness rather than harsh self-judgement. In order to treat ourselves with compassion, we must turn inwardly and observe what is happening for us in that present moment. We must acknowledge the feelings and thoughts that appear and accept that we are suffering right there in that moment, then treat ourselves with kindness.

There are 7 pillars of mindfulness that I was able to apply when dealing with grief and they all helped me in their own little way;

1. 1. Gratitude
      During difficult times we can focus on the negative emotions and feelings that arise for us. When our attention is diverted towards these feelings, we can forget to appreciate the positive in life. We focus on frustration, anger and resentment. However, it’s important to notice positive feelings like gratitude, for example, feeling grateful for the time we spent with our loved one with great memories. Memories can be so powerful and heart-warming and anything can trigger them.
   2. Acceptance
      This is the most difficult one to adopt, since the dealth of loved one is probably one of the most difficult things we’ll ever experience in our lifetime, especially if it’s unexpected or in tragic circumstances.Acceptance can be hard to embrace, because it’s likely that in the early days, trying to accept the situation will be almost impossible. However, this pillar can be adopted over time and in time, acceptance will occur. Day by day, we understand the impact of what’s happened and we begin to understand the changes that are associated with this bereavement.Many people think acceptance is about simply enduring the situation, which is understandably difficult in many circumstances. In fact, we may never allow or understand why the death has occurred. Instead, acceptance of grief is about conceding that things will never be the same. In time, we will accept that the situation has changed and that right now, all we can focus on is living day-by-day, embracing all the wonderful memories that have been shared together.
   3. Letting go
      This is another difficult concept to embrace when dealing with bereavement. However, the ability to let go of the anger, resentment and frustration around bereavement can help with the grief.By letting go, you are releasing the things that fall outside of your control and this helps to build resilience. Becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings and emotions can help you to observe them, giving you the ability to let go of the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. This is a helpful way of thinking about the situation can empower you to focus on happy memories, experiences and special times you’ve spent together.
   4. Trust
      Sometimes we will never understand why we feel the way we do, but it’s important to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s important to trust the process, trust your inner voice and don’t put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. The grieving process will naturally unfold for you.
   5. Beginner’s mind– As we know, life we never be the same again when lose a loved one, however it must go on. Initially, we will focus on how to get through the day, then in time it will get easier and daily life will resume. We will continue to undertake our daily responsibilities and they will become a wanted distraction.Adopting a ‘beginner’s mind’ is about raising your awareness intentionally and observing things with an open mind, with fresh eyes, just like a beginner. If you’ve ever learned something new, you can remember what that’s like to feel curious and confused, and mindfulness encourages us to do this by being very conscious of the thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical sensations that occur for us right there in that moment.A beginner’s mind can help you to see the treasure of pleasure, by this I mean noticing the beauty that surrounds you every day; the sunshine, nature, the great outdoors, your family and friends etc.
   6. Patience– Have patience with yourself and others.  Grief can affect different people in different ways and it’s important to remind yourself of this. It’s vital that you let yourself grieve in your own way and have patience with yourself during this process. Everything you’re feeling is completely natural, so trust what’s happening.
   7. Non striving– When a loved one passes there are so many things to take care of, including the logistics of the funeral. There are the flowers to arrange, the headstone, the wake after the funeral and that’s before any of the financial arrangements. We had to sort out the house, the bills, pension and a whole range of other things too, so I know first-hand how overwhelming it can feel at times.My advice would be to not feel like you’ve got to sort out everything immediately. Take your time and do it at your pace and don’t rush to get rid of the sentimental things. This is something you want to take time over.

Grief will affect all of us at different times in our lives and it can have such a detrimental effect on our wellbeing and our health, so it’s important to look after our ourselves. Mindfulness is helping me to deal with the loss of my father and it’s encouraging me to take a healthy approach.

A personal message to those of you grieving right now;

I understand how you feel. I understand it’s hard right now and I’m sure there are times when you’re still pinching yourself wondering whether it’s actually happened or did you just imagine it (I know I do).  Life can be hard at times and it can pull us all out of shape, so if you’re struggling, please know that you’re not alone. So many others have experienced it and you are never alone. 

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things we’ll ever experience in life, but I want you to know it will get easier. In time, you will be able to focus on the good times you’ve spent together and cherish those memories you have of this.  My memories are a place I often come to, they bring me pleasure and comfort at a time when I most need them.  Remember to be patient and kind with yourself, and if you need additional support then please seek it. There are so many professional support services out there to help you deal with this difficult time.  Sending you kindness, love and compassion.

Much Love,

Kelly x

Kelly is the founder of Aspirational Living, which aims to help people take control, design their life and invest in themselves. It achieves this by delivering courses, events and personal coaching through its qualified and highly experienced founder, Kelly Gaston.

Website: www.aspirationalliving.co.uk

Kelly Gaston

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