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View as: GRID LIST

HOW NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH KIDS

1
If a pregnant woman ever asks me for advice (which she won’t, because pregnant women hate advice as much as they hate their bladders) I will say one simple sentence. ‘Have the baby, get home, shut the door and don’t leave again until your child is 18 years old.’

Why? Because sometimes it’s not worth it. It takes longer to leave than to do the thing you’re going out to do.

For those with no kids, leaving the house looks like this.
‘Darling, I’m leaving now.’ Pick up handbag (containing nothing more than a purse, cell phone and make

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up). Grab keys. And off you go.

But after kids? Oh no, that is not what leaving the house looks like. God no. It looks like this…

Leaving the house with a 0-12 month old:
‘Darling, do you know where the changing bag is? Under the sofa? Why’s it under the sofa? Oh no, how long have those dirty nappies been in there? They stink! I’ll just refill it and off we go. Have those bottles been sterilised? No? Why? Okay take the ones out the dishwasher, they’ll be fine, and put some formula in them. What do you mean he’s pooped. Okay you change

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him and I’ll do the bottles. Now do you think we should take the buggy or the pushchair? Let’s take both. I’ll just have to sit in the back with him and put the extra pushchair on the front seat. What about toys? Are seven toys and three books enough? What about snacks? Maybe there are some rusks in here… Crap, the bag is full of crumbs. Have you changed him yet? What do you mean he’s gone to sleep… no! Don’t let him sleep, we have to go, he can sleep in the car. Oh, wait up, your mum only lives twenty minutes away and he needs at least an
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hour. He’ll wake up and be cranky. We’ll just have to drive around for an extra 40 minutes. Sod it, let’s just sit here for an hour and let him sleep. That was your mum on the phone, she said dinner is on the table and we’re already late. Come on, let’s just go. Wait! I forgot the nappies. Do we have teething gel? Dummies? Wet wipes? Tissues? Sudocrem? Bibs? Look at your shirt, it’s covered in puke! You go and get changed and I’ll get him in the car seat. Bugger, he’s just spat up on me now. Doesn’t matter, I’ll wet wipe it in the
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car. Okay, let’s go. What do you mean have I got the door keys? I thought you had them?’

Leaving the house with a toddler:
‘Darling, we’re off now. You can’t find our son? Well he was here in a minute ago. Have you looked under the table? In the toy box? In the dog basket? Look, he’s right here in the washing machine. Oh he’s filthy, let’s change him and go. Right, ready? Oh wait. Has he been? Have you gone wee wee in the potty sweetie? Go on then. You have to. You can’t leave the house until you do. Oh don’t start screaming. Get

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up and stop hitting your head against the floor, stop it, stop throwing that. Right let’s go, it doesn’t matter if he hasn’t got his shoes on, we’ll put them on in the car. Do we have spare pants? And the D.U.M.M.Ys, whatever you do don’t forget them. Where’s his teddy blanket? Oh God he’s started screaming again. Calm down sweetie, Daddy is looking for your teddy blanket. WHERE’S THE EFFING BLANKET? Oh, I’ve got it. Okay, we’re just a bit late now. He’s calmed down, he might sleep in the car. Actually he might be car sick. Do you
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have the bucket? And the wet wipes? And his juice? Okay, let’s go. Wait! Open the door again, he’s just wet himself.’

Leaving the house with a pre-schooler:
‘Come on sweetie, we are going out and you are coming with me. Yes to the shops. Yes down the road. No, it’s not far. I don’t know what colour it is. No, not the toy shop. No, not the chocolate shop. No, of course they don’t sell elephants. Put your shoes on. Wrong foot, yes that foot, yes of course the other shoe goes on the other foot. No, not your socks! They were on the correct

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feet, they don’t have lefts and rights. Done a wee? Go again just in case. Yes, you can have some water but only a sip, I don’t want you needing a wee in the car. Yes, you can take a toy. A small toy. Not that one, no not that one either. Oh whatever, bring the truck but it will have to go in the boot. Put your coat on, come here, let me zip it. Okay, I’ll let you zip it. Not like that, let me. Okay, go on. Oh just do the poppers up, that will do. Where’s my bag? That’s not funny, we haven’t got time to play games, where’s my bag? Somewhere
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beginning with TOY? Toilet, yes very clever, I have it. No it’s not your turn to play, we’re going out.  No, you can’t have a sweet, no, not even a little one. Come on! What did you say? Don’t use that word again or you’re going on the naughty step. Yes the shops have naughty steps too. Come on, go go go! Where are my keys? Somewhere beginning with WHAT?’

Leaving the house with a pre-teen:
‘Wake up, we have to go in a minute. Come on, out of bed. Come on. Come on! COME ON!! Right, if you ignore me one more minute I’m grounding you.

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Oh, you already are grounded. Fine, well I’ll stop your pocket money. Good, that got you up. No you aren’t wearing that. Take that stupid hat off, why are you dressing like a gangster rapper when we are only going to Grandma’s house? Whatever, wear that, yeah that will do. Have you had a wash? When was the last time you had a shower? Yes, you smell, at least brush your teeth. I don’t know where your toothbrush is, how can you lose a toothbrush? You done? Okay let’s go. Where’s your dad? No, don’t sit down and watch the football with him,
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come on both of you, let’s go. Yes, you can take your ipad to play in the car, it’s upstairs. Where have you got to? Get out of bed, we’re late!’

Leaving the house with a Teenager:
‘Come on, we’re going out. You aren’t coming? Thank fuck for that! Byeeee.’

 

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- 8 Sep 14

If a pregnant woman ever asks me for advice (which she won’t, because pregnant women hate advice as much as they hate their bladders) I will say one simple sentence. ‘Have the baby, get home, shut the door and don’t leave again until your child is 18 years old.’

Why? Because sometimes it’s not worth it. It takes longer to leave than to do the thing you’re going out to do.

For those with no kids, leaving the house looks like this.
‘Darling, I’m leaving now.’ Pick up handbag (containing nothing more than a purse, cell phone and make up). Grab keys. And off you go.

But after kids? Oh no, that is not what leaving the house looks like. God no. It looks like this…

Leaving the house with a 0-12 month old:
‘Darling, do you know where the changing bag is? Under the sofa? Why’s it under the sofa? Oh no, how long have those dirty nappies been in there? They stink! I’ll just refill it and off we go. Have those bottles been sterilised? No? Why? Okay take the ones out the dishwasher, they’ll be fine, and put some formula in them. What do you mean he’s pooped. Okay you change him and I’ll do the bottles. Now do you think we should take the buggy or the pushchair? Let’s take both. I’ll just have to sit in the back with him and put the extra pushchair on the front seat. What about toys? Are seven toys and three books enough? What about snacks? Maybe there are some rusks in here… Crap, the bag is full of crumbs. Have you changed him yet? What do you mean he’s gone to sleep… no! Don’t let him sleep, we have to go, he can sleep in the car. Oh, wait up, your mum only lives twenty minutes away and he needs at least an hour. He’ll wake up and be cranky. We’ll just have to drive around for an extra 40 minutes. Sod it, let’s just sit here for an hour and let him sleep. That was your mum on the phone, she said dinner is on the table and we’re already late. Come on, let’s just go. Wait! I forgot the nappies. Do we have teething gel? Dummies? Wet wipes? Tissues? Sudocrem? Bibs? Look at your shirt, it’s covered in puke! You go and get changed and I’ll get him in the car seat. Bugger, he’s just spat up on me now. Doesn’t matter, I’ll wet wipe it in the car. Okay, let’s go. What do you mean have I got the door keys? I thought you had them?’

Leaving the house with a toddler:
‘Darling, we’re off now. You can’t find our son? Well he was here in a minute ago. Have you looked under the table? In the toy box? In the dog basket? Look, he’s right here in the washing machine. Oh he’s filthy, let’s change him and go. Right, ready? Oh wait. Has he been? Have you gone wee wee in the potty sweetie? Go on then. You have to. You can’t leave the house until you do. Oh don’t start screaming. Get up and stop hitting your head against the floor, stop it, stop throwing that. Right let’s go, it doesn’t matter if he hasn’t got his shoes on, we’ll put them on in the car. Do we have spare pants? And the D.U.M.M.Ys, whatever you do don’t forget them. Where’s his teddy blanket? Oh God he’s started screaming again. Calm down sweetie, Daddy is looking for your teddy blanket. WHERE’S THE EFFING BLANKET? Oh, I’ve got it. Okay, we’re just a bit late now. He’s calmed down, he might sleep in the car. Actually he might be car sick. Do you have the bucket? And the wet wipes? And his juice? Okay, let’s go. Wait! Open the door again, he’s just wet himself.’

Leaving the house with a pre-schooler:
‘Come on sweetie, we are going out and you are coming with me. Yes to the shops. Yes down the road. No, it’s not far. I don’t know what colour it is. No, not the toy shop. No, not the chocolate shop. No, of course they don’t sell elephants. Put your shoes on. Wrong foot, yes that foot, yes of course the other shoe goes on the other foot. No, not your socks! They were on the correct feet, they don’t have lefts and rights. Done a wee? Go again just in case. Yes, you can have some water but only a sip, I don’t want you needing a wee in the car. Yes, you can take a toy. A small toy. Not that one, no not that one either. Oh whatever, bring the truck but it will have to go in the boot. Put your coat on, come here, let me zip it. Okay, I’ll let you zip it. Not like that, let me. Okay, go on. Oh just do the poppers up, that will do. Where’s my bag? That’s not funny, we haven’t got time to play games, where’s my bag? Somewhere beginning with TOY? Toilet, yes very clever, I have it. No it’s not your turn to play, we’re going out.  No, you can’t have a sweet, no, not even a little one. Come on! What did you say? Don’t use that word again or you’re going on the naughty step. Yes the shops have naughty steps too. Come on, go go go! Where are my keys? Somewhere beginning with WHAT?’

Leaving the house with a pre-teen:
‘Wake up, we have to go in a minute. Come on, out of bed. Come on. Come on! COME ON!! Right, if you ignore me one more minute I’m grounding you. Oh, you already are grounded. Fine, well I’ll stop your pocket money. Good, that got you up. No you aren’t wearing that. Take that stupid hat off, why are you dressing like a gangster rapper when we are only going to Grandma’s house? Whatever, wear that, yeah that will do. Have you had a wash? When was the last time you had a shower? Yes, you smell, at least brush your teeth. I don’t know where your toothbrush is, how can you lose a toothbrush? You done? Okay let’s go. Where’s your dad? No, don’t sit down and watch the football with him, come on both of you, let’s go. Yes, you can take your ipad to play in the car, it’s upstairs. Where have you got to? Get out of bed, we’re late!’

Leaving the house with a Teenager:
‘Come on, we’re going out. You aren’t coming? Thank fuck for that! Byeeee.’

 

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Natali Drake is an author, freelance writer and mother of two little girls. In 2015 she co-founded theglasshousegirls.com - an online magazine for women who say it how it is! Her work has appeared in our very own The Mother Book, as well as in various online magazines and UK newspapers. Her YA Fantasy Romance series 'The Path Keeper' (written under her pen name N J Simmonds) is now available to order at all good bookshops or visit njsimmonds.com

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