How the hell am I going to cope with two kids?

Clemmie Telford - 17 Jun 15

By the time you ask yourself this question its probably WAY too late. But I’m six months down the line and am somehow surviving. Here’s how:

Embrace Peppa Pig. She will save your life.

Everything you worried about doing first time:
Co-sleeping.
Dummies.
Feeding/driving/pushing to sleep.
You’ll do them all, and you wont think twice about it.

“I didn’t have time for a shower?” What a joke. Stick ’em in a bouncy chair and get clean Mamma.

Childcare is worth bankruptcy. Maintains no1’s routine. Gives no2 some one-on-one. And Mummy the opportunity to go out for lunch.

Get your eyebrows done. Its a face-saver.

Don’t compare your bod to people who’ve only had one. You’ve made DOUBLE the amount of kids. Give yourself a break.

Filling a baby journal. Any type of baby sensory. Having your child weighed = all unachievable luxuries.

Ocado. The logistics of two kids in a supermarket are Just.Not.Worth.It.

Employ a ‘no-one goes downstairs without getting dressed’ rule. Otherwise suddenly its 11 AM and you’re all still in soggy nappies wanting to kill each-other.

Ignore irrational tears of guilt. They wont be your baby anymore but they will always be your first born.

REMEMBER a sibling is the best gift you can give. Someone to share the burden when you start losing your marbles.

BUT be prepared for Super Sonic Growth. Your first will age approximately 200% between you going into labour and returning home.

AND changing their nappies will seem grotesque. Like wiping a gigantic adult arse.

The exhausting flow of visitors wanting to meet your second baby? Doesn’t happen. No-one gives a shit.

Other perks of second-child syndrome include:
Nothing to prove. Spend a few weeks post-labour wearing joggers, eating biscuits with my tits out? yes please.
No rushing towards milestone. Please please stay tiny forever.
Not actually giving a monkeys. You’ve grown 2 kids. Nuff Said.
Wine. An increased intake of alcohol even when breastfeeding really helps.

Child labour. Use your eldest – they love a job. ‘Can you get Mummy a nappy? I’ll time you…’
Snacks & bribery are your weapons, use them at will.

DWS (Deal with it at Seven). Scrap the interim clear-up. Zero point trying to keep the house respectable. One clear up, post-bed time saves your back and your sanity.

Accept that you’ll say ‘careful’ ‘gently’ and ‘babies don’t eat crackers’ over and over and over again.

To double buggy or not to double buggy? save the research. Wait until babies here, the answer will become blindingly clear.

And when your other half is around… divide and conquer. Just make sure you bag the easier child.

Clemmie Telford

Whatcha. I am a Mamma of two little boys, living in South East London. It feel as if I am constantly winging it as I parent. But maybe I'll still feel like that when I am 72? I write in lists because, well, I'm not quite capable of stringing together or writing a sentence any more. They are a collection of observations of this mental journey we are all on. It's a 'roller-coaster ride' you can't get off, so we may as well laugh (and drink Gin).

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