How to lose a car key and your mind in two days.

SARAH TOPPING - 31 May 15

65 thoughts I had whilst ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ was the soundtrack to the weekend.

1. Need to get my bag in from the car. Hang on, I’m not sure where the key is.
2. Never mind, I’m running late, will borrow Adam’s Oyster card and find key tomorrow. I’m going OUT out!
3. Next morning. Bit tired. Midnight is quite late these days. Going to stay in bed till at least 8.30. On lazy mornings I love Peppa and Thomas nearly as much as Zach does.
4. Should probably think about getting up. Do need to find the key. Will just check Twitter.
5. And Instagram.
6. And Facebook.
7. And my emails.
8. Must reply to some emails.
9. It’s 10am! That’s a lot of Peppa for little eyes in the morning. Will get us up.
10. Wander into kitchen, idly look around, picking things up and putting them down again.
11. Why isn’t it on the shelf where we always put it? It should be on the shelf.
12. Or in the jar. I definitely locked the car after bringing in the shopping. It must be here in the jar.
13. It’s not in the jar.
14. Still a bit tired. Will make coffee.
15. Hang on. If I absent-mindedly put it on a too-easy-to-reach-surface then . . .
16. PANIC.
17. Zach, let’s play a game. Where is the car key? ‘Car key GONE, Mummy!’
18. You’re no help.
19. It must be in the shopping bags. Of course!
20. It’s not.
21. It must be in the cupboards! In a saucepan!
22. It’s not.
23. Will just play trains with Zach for a while. How far can it have gone?
24. Although . . . I really don’t recall seeing it after putting away the shopping.
25. Will just check cupboards again.
26. The washing machine!
27. No.
28. The fridge!
29. Why isn’t it in the fridge?
30. Can’t put it off any longer. Time to search the bin. Yuck.
31. And the recycling bag. Nope.
32. Time to start scouring Zach’s favourite hiding places; the sofas, behind books, the toy box, the shelves, under the TV, behind the TV, behind the ‘radiors’.
33. Feeling quite desperate now. Adam really needs to use the car tonight.
34. Back to the kitchen. Just going to check the freezer. And pull out the fridge. And search the cupboards again. And drawers. And dishwasher. AGAIN.
35. Wait! I haven’t looked inside the boiler! It’s not there. Curious.
36. Time to ransack the shoes basket in the hall again. Peer inside every shoe. Ooh! My spotty flip-flops. Thought I’d lost these.
37. WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS THE CAR KEY?
38. Aha! Adam is home. He can help, he knows where the spare key is.
39. I’m sorry what now? We have a spare buzzer bit (definitely the technical term) for the key. BUT NO SPARE KEY?
40. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS KEY(E)S – Alicia, Florida, house etc – DO WE NOT HAVE A SPARE CAR KEY?!
41. Genuinely very stressed now. We can unlock the car but can’t drive it. This is madness.
42. Just going to sit by the front door and cry. Will have to spend the rest of the evening searching. Happy Friday.
43. Next morning. No, the location of the key has not come to me in my dreams. I hate you, subconscious.
44. Time to get up and resume the search. If we can find it soon, we still have a fun Saturday ahead.
45. Just going to text some family and friends for helpful suggestions of obscure places to find lost things. And some moral support.
46. Five hours later. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Feeling irrationally angry towards all things key(e)s. Sorry, Alicia.
47. WHY HAVEN’T WE GOT ANY CHOCOLATE IN THE HOUSE? Ooh, two biscuits. They’re stale. I don’t care.
48. Back upstairs. Let’s re-search all the wardrobes, drawers, under the beds, behind the cot, the radiors, inside pockets and bags and YES! My Ray Bans! Thought these were gone forever. Mustn’t exclaim out loud, don’t want Adam to think I’ve found the key. False hope is just mean.
49. Call an emergency car key replacement locksmith. Oh, because of the type of key it is, it’ll cost more than the car is worth to replace. Something to do with the immobilizer. Wish I could go back to Thursday and immobilize myself from losing the BLOODY KEY.
50. Just going to look in that bag of flour again.
51. And the big bin outside. This is exactly what I’d been dreaming of, plans wise, this weekend.
52. Will go and dig about in the plant pots outside. Imagine if it’s there, and I’ll spot it glinting in the sun and I’ll call out gleefully to Adam . . . nope. Will just check the drain.
53. And the car boot again. And inside the whole car. Just gonna lie down on the pavement and look under the car again. Nothing to see here, passers-by. BUT I WISH THERE WAS!
54. Phone rings. It’s Adam from the park! He MUST be calling to say he’s found it in the buggy. Oh. But yes, I’ve searched the fireplace. Oh, there’s Zach babbling in the background. I wish I was there. I hate you, key.
55. Wine. It’s most definitely wine time. Let’s drink more wine! Maybe tonight I’ll see the key in my dreams!
56. Sunday morning. Nope.
57. Going out. Can’t look any longer. Hang on, will just check all pockets again.
58. So glad we’re at our friends’ daughter’s first birthday party, and not looking for the wretched key.
59. More prosecco? Yes PLEASE!
60. Home. Just going to double check the recycling bin before it’s emptied tomorrow. Even though it cannot be in there.
61. Oh how I love sitting in the front garden, half inside a recycling bin and THE KEY THE KEY I’VE FOUND THE KEY IT’S HERE I’VE FOUND THE KEY!
62. HOW THE HELL DID IT GET INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE RECYCLING BIN?
63. Don’t care. We have our car back!
64. Just going to dance around a bit singing ‘I’ve got the ke-ey, I know the secret!’ Oh wait. Probably best to stop dancing and put the key SOMEWHERE SAFE.
65. Sod it. Just going to dance a little bit more, whilst clutching the key. Keygate is over! More wine.

SARAH TOPPING

Sarah Topping is a freelance creative copywriter at Playing with Words and former copywriter at Penguin Children's. Her clients include Pottermore from J.K. Rowling, Enid Blyton Entertainment, BBC Worldwide, Puffin Books and World Book Day. Sarah lives in London with her husband Adam and their sons Zachary and Jonah, who rock (and rule) their world. In between freelancing, she writes children’s stories and blogs about motherhood in all its guises, from the magic and joy to the potty training, tantrums and tripping over toys (pass the wine!). @SarahTopping3

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