Helen Bryce - 26 Jul 17
Why in 2017 do so many of us feel overloaded? The struggle is real, wanting to have quality time with our children and yet also progress our careers and try and see our friends and care for relatives and then occasionally, maybe, even have a moment to ourselves (I’m joking of course, this never happens).
Our heads are full of lists and reminders and stories and play dates and emails. Our days are full, our bodies are knackered (literally in certain places, speaking for myself here) and yet we’re pretty certain this is meant to be progress.
A while ago my Mum passed me a book on pregnancy which she used in the 1980s. It makes for an interesting read:
“If your husband is agreeable, only iron the parts of the shirt that show” I kid you not. It continues:
“Use your time in the afternoon wisely so that you are not too tired for when your husband gets home”
This was the 80’s – I genuinely can’t believe these statements were printed in a book only 30 years ago. The fact it is so shocking surely proves that attitudes have changed, that things have moved forward, hurrah for feminism. And then I hear comments only recently like, “men need to help out more with children and housework” and it does get you thinking.
According to the Office for National Statistics women still do on average 40% more unpaid household chores than men. Another study done by Oxfam last year revealed similar findings, suggesting women in the UK spend 2 days a month more than men on childcare and housework.
I was about to say that I am lucky to have a husband who is pretty much a domestic God and an active feminist, but then I stopped myself remembering gender equality is a right not a nice-to-have.
However, I do feel pretty lucky as I am certain that very few of my friends have the same problem as me with a husband who will clean up my cup before I’ve finished drinking (prior to children this drove me mad now, with three, funnily enough I have learnt to live with it).
I would imagine that if I asked friends most would agree that household chores should be shared equally but that doesn’t mean that this happens in reality. In fact I know from various conversations that it isn’t the case. Even where some chores are shared there does seem to be this unspoken rule that certain things fall to women.
You know like Christmas, and birthdays, and present buying, and holidays, and….
Herein lies the problem because when you are also the one working this creates a very real double workload, a complete mental overload – with so much to do and so little time. I know this feeling well because I had it for years, working 3 days, at home two days, everything else on all the days. It was like this constant battle with no end, a constant state of fire fighting, a constant feeling that any second now it could all fall apart.
Of course progress has been made and attitudes have started to change but in certain ways, many of us are still holding together the household and everything else, only now we’re probably working more as well.
Speaking from personal experience, despite what I said at the start, we often had conversations about division of labour and standards (his are too high, mine are, er questionable). This happened much more following children, before then we both had enough disposable time that it didn’t seem to be a problem. Our roles shifted after I had our first baby and I returned to work part time which seemed to bring with it this raft of other stuff aside from the actual child care. Some of it did genuinely make sense – I was at home therefore able to get the washing machine on ten times a day – and that is where I think the split of chores is linked to the broader issue of mothers and work. If the number of fathers working flexibly and part time matched that of mothers I hope we would we see a different picture. But in the meantime it’s like women are making progress on the work front but the opposite just isn’t true.
Then on top of this I do wonder if there is another issue at play around who is in control or who takes ultimate responsibility. Emma Clit describes this problem brilliantly with this illustration. (pic c/c Emma Clit). This keeping of control helps no-one. I know I’m a bit of a control freak so fully empathise when GBK says that giving him a list is annoying and even more so when I then criticise some of what has been done (seriously though, those leggings just do not go with that top). Some of what I hear around this subject is really patronising to men. I remember sitting in a national conference for working parents a couple of years ago and being told by the speaker to, “cut your partner some slack, he might not do the washing right but at least let him have a go”. Seriously? This cannot be helping the situation.
Perhaps I am affected by some sort of unconscious feeling (old gender ideologies hold fast) that I should be the one to keep control of the household? Perhaps it’s the same unconscious feeling that means at times I would thank my husband for getting up in the night to wind our baby or visit a crying toddler, you know because it is my responsibility and he has given me a hand. I don’t remember being thanked every morning (and nor do I expect to be) for feeding our newborn every few hours. This isn’t a lack of manners you realise, just another tiny but significant point around who, even subconsciously, retains ownership. And maybe it is also a reflection of the expectations society places on us as Mums. Because I’m not sure this is just an issue for those in a relationship. This ‘supermum’ who can achieve anything and everything, all by herself, never stopping, completely selfless. I mean this is a hard stereotype to live up to.
Do we feel like we need to have control, any type of control, because we have fought so damn hard for this progress – even if in this instance the control is actually reinforcing the very inequality we are trying to eliminate? Or is this actually just about me and my own issues? Interestingly, research shows that same-sex couples don’t seem to have such problems with the division of household chores, they don’t have these gender assumptions and societal expectations so instead write their own rules. Now I like the sound of that.
Recently we have done a complete role switch and it has allowed me to see things completely differently. My husband has taken a year off to be with our children and I have become the main breadwinner (full time working mum). I no longer do most of the household chores, I’m not the one attempting to buy last minute birthday cards, I’m not trying to hoover round and clear up and change a nappy at the same time, I’m not the one wondering what’s for tea and realising I forgot to buy the key ingredient (this happened a lot previously). And I’m not the one trying to do all of this and run my own business pretty much simultaneously. And the result – a massive feeling of relief at finally sharing the load. I feel genuinely lighter, not because I’ve stopped doing all this stuff (although I have given lots of it over) but because I genuinely feel like we are sharing it equally and fairly. I feel like we both get what it’s like to be in the other persons position.
What’s been really helpful is that we have had these conversations. Because we were making quite a big, I guess unorthodox (currently) change we sat down and thought this stuff through. I actually wanted to keep some tasks that he was happy to take (honestly, I can’t stand the last minute birthday present thing) but I’ve also had to learn to let quite a lot of stuff go. And I genuinely think that when change comes again (which it will, next year he will return to work and these roles and tasks will need to be re-divided and distributed in different ways) a return to the old world where I did a disproportionate amount on the home front won’t happen because we will BOTH understand and take responsibility for what needs doing. Which, for the record, I believe is just one, of the massively long list of reasons why shared parental leave right at the start is so so important.
Change needs to happen, we can’t just keep adding on hours to the working week for women and not expect burn out. There’s this impossible task of trying to fit more in all the time, our children go to more classes, we should do more socialising, we are expected to work longer hours, we need to keep our house more presentable. Just, arghhh.
Last week I launched a new online course called Organise My Entire Life (you can find out more here) which I am really passionate about for many reasons. I want to share some tips on the organisation front because this can undoubtedly help. I hear all the time about the endless lists, stuff everywhere, feeling out of control. We have a system that we’ve used for a few years now which works like a dream. When we first created it we had 3 very young children, we both worked, we both commuted and things were just overwhelmingly busy. It helped and continues to help enormously in holding everything together and making life so much easier. It takes away the mental overload and gets everything into one place.
However, I also wanted to design something that was more than just a system for getting organised. For me it isn’t just about getting more done, it’s about getting more of the right stuff done. So there are activities to help consider where your time is going at the moment and whether this matches your priorities. There are also templates to revisit who does what, whether you are in a relationship or not this is about sharing the load full stop – with a partner, with friends, with family, with your children if appropriate. This can be especially useful when returning to work after maternity leave when new routines are being formed or indeed when there is any big change (like I mentioned with ours). I really hope this course can help mum’s find more time for themselves as well as be more productive and effective all round.
And I for one would like to see a time when mothers don’t feel so overwhelmed, we don’t struggle to have a career and family and fit everything in with barely time to breathe. Let’s re-write the rules and challenge expectations on this front, because clearly we still need to, even when they are not so blatantly published in a book!
P.s I’ve also started a new ‘campaign’ called – #easethemotherload to share ideas, questions and generally try and encourage anyone who is up for it in doing some of the above. Plenty of good conversation goes on within the Guilty Mothers Club private Facebook group if you fancy popping over or getting involved.
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I'm Helen, founder of The Guilty Mothers Club which is all about supporting and inspiring women to fulfil their potential and ditch the guilt through events, workshops and an amazingly supportive and growing community. That's when I'm not having adventures with my 3 little ones (all under 5) and incredibly patient husband.
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