HOW TO SPOT A SAD DAD

Olivia Spencer - 16 Aug 14

If someone had told me last year that I would write a book, on a subject I wasn’t (initially) an expert in, at the same time as working as a freelance accountant and caring for my two pre-school aged children…I’d have laughed at them, not believing it was possible.  I would have dismissed them entirely if they told me I’d research and write the first draft in four months, and that for three of those months I would be suffering with dreadful and unrelenting morning sickness.  But this is what I did, and it really is what happened.

I’d had a discussion with a friend of mine who works in publishing, talking about the need for a book about postnatal depression in fathers.  It is something which is shamefully under-acknowledged and virtually unrecognised, but anyone who has had a baby will know how much it drastically changes your life.  Why shouldn’t this affect fathers too?  I’ve always been interested in parenting theories in general and don’t mind giving my opinion, so I agreed to write the book.  I planned to have the whole text ready for print within six months, mainly so that I could get on with my dissertation for the MA in English I am doing with the Open University.  It’s lucky that having children does somewhat ruin your social life and we rarely go out in the evenings, leaving the time after the kids are in bed free and clear for writing.

I interviewed some people who are experts in the subject, and spent a lot of time researching the latest studies which have been done on paternal PND – there aren’t many, but I found it fascinating to see how these things are studied by scientists.  My children spent a lot of time with my mother who, by some great blessing, is an artist, and so will gladly spend an endless amount of time painting, drawing and sticking – things which I find unspeakably tedious.  It’s always a treat when Granny comes over, and so I was free to go out and write when they weren’t at nursery.  There have also been times where both kids have sat at the table ‘working’ on their pretend computers while I work properly on my real computer.  It’s been quite fun, but 2 and 4 year olds aren’t great at being quiet when mummy’s working.

Writing about postnatal depression has really opened my eyes to how difficult it can be for some men to adapt to being fathers, and how woefully inadequate maternity services are in this country at including fathers and making them feel like they are part of a parenting team.  I heard some really distressing stories about how some men deal with their depression.  Sometimes they lash out at their partners, sometimes they throw themselves into work or find any excuse to be away from their families at home.  It can have terrible effects on mothers and long-lasting effects on children if it is not addressed.

Robbie has been asked many, many times if my book was written because of a personal experience.  It wasn’t, but it certainly could have been.  Postnatal depression can affect any parent, male or female, and in many different circumstances, even when there is no hint of depression before the birth.  I’m grateful that I got the opportunity to publicise the condition and to make the burden of parenting slightly easier to bear for some parents, somewhere.

5 ways to spot postnatal depression in fathers:

1) Is your baby’s father interested in the new baby?  If he’s spending lots of time away from you and your baby and finds it difficult to get involved, he may be feeling depressed.

2) Is your baby’s father more angry than usual?  Anger is a typical symptom of depression in men.  They often find it difficult to articulate their feelings, so watch out for unusual behaviour after the birth.

3) Men who have suffered from depression in the past are more likely to suffer from it again, including in the postnatal period.

4) Men can also experience typical symptoms of postnatal depression such as loss of interest in virtually all activity, significant changes in weight, insomnia or hypersomnia, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, difficulty concentrating and thoughts of death or suicide.  Not all men have these symptoms all of the time so it can be difficult to spot.

5) A traumatic birth can trigger PND in mothers and fathers.  If you had a traumatic birth and your partner witnessed it he may be finding it difficult to process what happened and to move on from the experience.

Olivia Spencer

Olivia Spencer is 31 and lives in London with her husband Robbie, a primary school teacher, and their two children: Polly is 4 and will start school in September, Zach is nearly 3. Her third child is due in November. Olivia's book 'Sad Dad: An Exploration of Postnatal Depression in Fathers' is out in Septmber, and available to pre-order now.

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