How you imagine a perfect birth?

Lauren Derret - 20 Mar 16

When you think of a perfect birth, do you conjour up visions of you silently floating in a pool, all dim lighting, Enya (is she still on?) softly playing, filling the room with her mystical voice. A fabulous midwife sitting quietly in the corner, just being not doing. And then the time to birth, your baby comes out in a couple of effortless pushes, 2 become 3 and the world has now got new meaning.

Of course that would be the perfect birth right?

Would it surprise you to know that whilst that may be your idea of a perfect birth, it may not be so for all.

I’ve been a doula since 2012 and a hypnobirth teacher since 2014 and whilst I know that birth can, and often does happen like this, I’m also aware that women may choose to birth in all kinds of ways and, that’s ok!

I fear in the birth world some birth workers become blinkered by the perfect birth, become so focused on the type of birth mentioned above that the client may feel they don’t have the courage or the space to say, actually, that’s not for me. Or that if their clients don’t choose to birth this way that they are somehow going against what is the natural order of things. Or worse still, that if a women is convinced this is the perfect birth that if her birth goes off course, takes a different turn, then she’s somehow failed at birth.

When I had my first child (almost 20 years ago), I was induced, I had an epidural, I had an episiotomy, I had a ventous and I had what I considered to be the worst experience of my life and yet here was my baby boy, here was my first home grown human. A complete contradiction.

When I got pregnant 2 years later, I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I felt tortured, I wanted a caesarean. Now, I would never take a caesarean lightly, it is a massive operation, but, I was so desperate not to give birth vaginally again.  I would have taken on all that a caesarean brings, a caesarean birth had become my perfect birth.  The midwife at my booking in appointmen (god love her) had other ideas, whilst she sat patiently and listened to my chaotic ramblings, whilst I felt she heard and felt what I was requesting. She softly said it wouldn’t be an option. From that point on, my perfect birth was taken away from me (for which, now, I am truly grateful).but at the time left me feeling helpless, scared and compliant.

There are of course hundreds of other reasons that the serene pool birth may not be the perfect birth for some women, but their worst fear.

There are woman who have suffered some form of sexual abuse in their life and for them, giving birth vaginally may not be an option, too many triggers for them, too much mental scaring. For them, their perfect birth may be one whereby it isn’t connected in anyway with the area of their bodies that have previously been used against their will.

Some women may feel the need to micro manage, the thought of handing of their birth over to nature may not be a viable option for them mentally, they may feel more secure knowing exactly when they are going to give birth, they may readily opt for induction or choose to have a planned caesarean by way of managing their own anxiety.

You may have women who choose to birth alone, to freebirth, they may feel that by having a healthcare provider with them it may inhibit their ability to birth the way they choose to. They may have issue with being directed, by being disturbed, by feeling untrusted to be able to birth their baby without medical assistance and having a healthcare provider with them would implode these issues further, affecting how they birth.

So, as we see, as diverse as we all are as women, our perfect births can be pretty diverse too. It’s not our place to judge how another woman chooses to birth but to support them on their chosen path.

We should stop putting so much onto the idea of the perfect birth, but focus more on a positive birth. This kind of birth can be any kind of physical birth, but it’s a birth whereby the birthing woman is heard, respected, the leader, the decision maker and the owner of the experience. A positive birth experience far out ranks the idealism of the perfect birth.

My philosophy on birth is this….

“We live in a modern world whereby we may feel judged in everyday life, every minute counts and stats are gospel. Pregnancy and childbirth is probably the most intimate time in a woman’s life, it only last a matter of months…….the last thing mother or baby need are to work to the sound of a ticking clock or to feel that their choices will somehow define them as a barefoot mummy or a yummy mummy. There is no right or wrong, for every baby that is born there is only one mummy and one baby (unless of course it’s one mummy & multiple babies), never to be recreated again, it’s their choice how to birth, their choice where to birth, their choice who to birth with, it’s their birth! In the modern world we woman are offered drugs ,caesarean sections, breast feeding, bottle feeding, hospital births, home births, water births, dry births…..births on the top of a hill with a heard of goats and a choralist singing………but, the best thing the modern world offers is choice, your choice! I will not only help you to navigate your way through your choices, I will fully support your choices. I don’t support birth, I support birthing women!!!!”

Lauren Derret

I’m Lauren, mum of 4 humans, each with their very own birth story. Red wine drinker, keen blogger, trash tv watcher and pretty hard core potty mouth! But, with a good heart and a passion for setting lovely women like you onto a path towards a positive birthing experience, and we’ll have fun doing it; always a bonus! I teach The Wise Hippo Birthing Programme and am a Doula Uk recognised Doula

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