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February 2016 – The month that would change me forever
I was having trouble sleeping as my tummy was hard and had grown a fair bit, so we bought a pregnancy pillow which would then be used for breastfeeding. It made a world of difference!
We told more people, and Stuart had told his Dad and Stepmum. They
One of the best things about February was a gig we had planned. We were going to see The Libertines at the O2. I was really looking forward to this, but (I’ll be honest) it would be the first time I’ve been to a gig without getting absolutely hammered! I was also running to the loo every ten minutes so I had to bear this in mind, not to mention being so shattered. But we had a great time! The Libs were awesome.
One evening, I came out of the bathroom.
“Stuart, I’m bleeding”
It was only a little but I was concerned. I did what anyone would do and Googled everything I could about bleeding in pregnancy. “It’s totally normal”, “I bled throughout my pregnancy”, “I had very heavy bleeding and baby was fine”. Everything I was
The next morning there was a bit more blood, nothing major. I called the Early Pregnancy Unit at St Georges hospital. They were great, told me to come in just to check things over. I called Stuart (who was en route to work) and grabbed the boys (it was half term) and made our way up to the hospital. If I’m honest, I was actually quite excited to see my bouncy baby on the
There was a long silence and then the sonographer went off to get his colleague. She had a look. More silence. I looked at Stuart. My heart started racing.
She turned the screen towards me. I could see my baby, beautiful but so still. A little astronaut floating in space.
“I’m so sorry” she said.
“Your baby’s heart has stopped beating”.
I stared at the screen.
My beautiful little baby was there, clear as day, little arms and legs, everything was there, what are you talking about!? We were going to meet our baby in
I sat up, just staring at the screen for ages. I don’t remember much. But I do remember Jack in the background talking to the ‘head’ sonographer about having a new baby brother or sister. I couldn’t speak. My baby was almost nine weeks and gone. Jack and Charlie would not be having a baby brother or sister. How the fuck do I tell them?
My emotions were comatose.
I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t
Somehow Stuart got me home. I ran straight to my bed and sobbed. I sobbed more than I have ever done in my life. I held my tummy, rubbed my baby. Come back. Please
The following few days were a blur. Stuart had to go and get me towels and strong painkillers in case nature took over. I remember I was told I would experience actual labour at that stage, so I should be prepared. It wouldn’t be pleasant, there would be a lot of blood and a lot of pain. Strong contractions.
The next day, as I lay in bed. Eyes puffy, face soaked and swollen with tears, we looked out of my bedroom window. A beautiful rainbow had formed. Now, I’m not one for religion or ‘woo’ shit, but I will never forget that
I didn’t bleed anymore. I decided to book in for Surgical Management of Miscarriage for the following Monday – four days later. An operation under general anaesthetic where they take the baby, placenta, and any other pregnancy tissue.
The night before the operation Stuart lit some candles to say goodbye.
That Monday morning we arrived at the hospital. Sat in the EPU, crying my eyes out watching all these happy pregnant women going in for their scans, into the very same room
I wanted to be scanned again. I demanded it. They were not keen but did it anyway.
“See” She said
“No heartbeat”
I asked for a picture.
I held on tightly to that picture. Held it close to my chest. Come back my baby.
We were sent to the Outpatients building. I had to put on a gown and paper knickers, they
I was given a quick briefing by the nurse, or he could have been the surgeon, I can’t remember.. He was ever so compassionate. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he was talking to me. Like he understood what I was going through.
Stuart hadn’t left my side, pretty much the whole time since our
We had a long wait so Stuart had brought his laptop so we could watch a film, to distract us from the torture.
I was eventually called in, having watched the whole film, I was tugging at my surgical stockings which were ridiculously uncomfortable. I have a bit of a sensory
I lay down on the operating table, sobbing, sobbing ,
“Awww, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world” she said.
Not the end of the world? I’m sorry, what? My world has just collapsed around me into billions of pieces, in case you can’t see that. Her words will haunt me forever.
I woke up on a ward with maybe two or three other women. It was very quiet. I was shivering, so cold. Shaking uncontrollably.
I was lonely.
Empty.
I wanted Stuart there so badly. I could feel blood pouring out of
“Excuse me, I don’t know whether I should ask this but… Where is my baby? What have they done with my baby?”
“Medical research” she said.
“Oh..”
But secretly I wanted my baby. I wanted to take her home and say goodbye properly, have a funeral even, but I was scared that I would be seen like a crazy person so I didn’t say anything. Now I wish so much that I
Stuart met me in recovery. We went home and that was that. We were expected to just get on with our lives as if nothing had happened. Like our hearts hadn’t just been ripped out.
My friends were so amazing. We received flowers and a couple of cards, but I could tell that a lot of people didn’t really want to talk about it. Miscarriage is still so taboo. But how could I not talk about it? My entire world had been
I tried to find comfort in an online forum that I’d used many times before. People, complete strangers, were amazing. They supported me and said all the right things, to someone they’ve never met. They gave me such faith in the human race, and the kindness that others are so willing to give was so touching.
But then the hateful comments began. “You
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Was this true? Was I being offensive and insensitive? I certainly hadn’t meant to be. I started to doubt myself. Wondering if all these cruel comments were true. Was I overreacting? Was I nuts? I plummeted further.
I realised that the
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