I alone am this boy’s mum

Trish O'Dwyer - 29 May 20

Sometimes I want to curl up in my husband’s lap & cry & have him tell me everything is going to be ok & that I am not alone but, I alone am this boy’s mum.

I alone truly know him. I alone will be the one to take him on his unusual journey through life, whether I feel up to the task or not. For I alone am this boy’s mum. There is no therapy for me, or rather, expertise for how to deal with his therapy if that makes any sense to you?

I do not mean to take anything away from my amazing husband here either. He has his own journey to take through life with our non-verbal autistic son Henry. His importance, significance, influence, unconditional love & support I do not doubt for a second. I would be nowhere with this boy right now without my husband, absolutely nowhere.

But what if I don’t have the confidence & all that it takes to help raise this boy? Nothing can prepare a parent for these things happening to their child. How much hope should I have? His autism is not going to get fixed or go away. What if I am not doing enough? Am I a carer now? Is it ok to have so much to be thankful for, so much more than others & yet still need what I know others desperate to help me cannot give because I alone am this boy’s mum?

Exposing this fascinating boy to the world he lives in is so important but, there is only so much he can take, & only so much I can take. I feel my anxieties overwhelming me inside when we are out & meet other children who are so unforgiving & whose mothers are so judgemental. I cannot bear to think anyone would find my son horrible, weird, strange or rude but they do. This boy has the most gorgeous nature, an astonishing way of seeing the world, is such a joy & is so sweet but, no-one other than his immediate family is ever going to experience that.

I alone am this boy’s mum. I think he is incredible & I will love, support, advocate for & protect him as any mother of her child I like to think would. I am, however, going to have to learn patience, learn to become thick-skinned & prepare this boy to cope with life in our world without losing the essence of who he truly is. It began five years ago,  it will continue every day for as long as he lives. I cannot ever give up or give up hope. I want to wrap him in my arms & leave him be in his own world where he is so content, but that would be doing him no favours & I couldn’t possibly sustain it without sacrificing the rest of the family.

And to this boy whose mum I am, I love you with a love that goes deeper than any I have ever experienced, thank you. You have taught me: about life; love; acceptance; pure joy; patience, & just being. You have made me stronger & kinder. I know you love me with a feeling you will never be able to describe or show, I can see it in your eyes & how they reach right into my soul.

I will have outbursts of my own that have everything to do with me & nothing to do with you & you will never understand this. I am so sorry. I may need to step away at some stage in your life, by sending you away so other carers & professionals can build a genuine relationship with you & look after you for a week or two before returning you home to us & I pray you can forgive me for how difficult this will be for you at first. I do & will continue to make so many mistakes, frustrate you, confuse you, get angry with you unreasonably & so much more but, I promise you this “…I’ll be there for you…you’ll never be alone, I’ll be there for you…” Jess Glynne.

Trish O'Dwyer

Trish: wife to Paul, mum of three the youngest being non-verbal autistic & founder of Autism Threads Ltd. Born in SA to Australian parents. Arrived in the UK 1996 and never looked back. Married a Brit in 2002. Since 2008 we have lived in 6 homes on 3 continents and the poor kids have attended 11 schools between them! Well travelled, no so well adjusted, ha ha.

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