I Am A Mother of Three. But You Will Only See Two

jenni.wren - 24 Dec 15

I am a different kind of mother.

I am one in four. 

I am a mother of three. But look at my family and you will only see two.

This is our second Christmas without our beloved son. Our son who was born sleeping at the beginning of 2014. Our son. A little brother. And now, a big brother too. 

For L,

I cannot count the number of times in a day that I think of you. They are too numerous. I make a point of taking five minutes each morning to dedicate to you and the same again before I go to sleep. Your big sister and little brother have me for the rest of the time, although you are always in the background of my thoughts. But those minutes in the morning and at bedtime are yours and yours alone. That way, each of you gets my time. Each of you gets their mother.

Recently, I have been thinking of you more than usual. Those precious few minutes just don’t seem quite enough. It’s as though there is more I need to say, as if I can fix this in some way. Bring you back. Heal all the hurt. Rewind time and change it all. The truth is, I can’t. Instead, I am learning to live with losing you because I will never be over it; if I’m over it, it means that you didn’t matter. And you do. You really do. The one thing every mother is supposed to do is protect her child.

Love them.

Save them.

Keep them.

And out of all those things, I can only do one. I can love you. I can keep loving you despite the fact that to speak your name, to speak of our great loss is still taboo. I can keep loving you despite the fact I cannot hold you again. I can keep loving you despite the fact some think I shouldn’t. That I should forget.  And I promise you with my whole heart and soul, forgetting is something I will not do.

I could not save you.

I didn’t get to keep you.

But I will never forget you. 

This Christmas, my only wish is that you are remembered. That I hear your name spoken, bringing much joy to this grieving heart.

I am a mother of three.  But look at my family and you will only see two. 

I love you my sweet pea.

Always,

Mummy

For all the mothers out there who are missing a little one this Christmas, please know this:

You are not alone. 

jenni.wren

Mama of a girl, a boy and a bright star.

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