I AM WALLPAPER

Natali Drake - 5 Nov 14

I am wallpaper. I think my face and voice have become such a commonplace feature in this house that I am now completely invisible. Not in a ‘Great, does that mean I can finally have a bath without any interruptions’ way. No. More in a ‘Hello? Is anyone going to do as they are told around here?’ way.

I´ve even had to take it up a notch or ten lately. When my three year old wouldn’t get in the car the other day I got in, shut the door and turned on the ignition. And as suspected, it scared the crap out of her. She may have been shaking the rest of the journey, but she did get in the car faster than a rat up a drainpipe. So 1-0 to mummy (although be warned, you can only play that one once before it loses its power). Then yesterday I shouted up the stairs to both kids, the same tune for thirty minutes, that we were leaving for the supermarket. So after being ignored for the millionth time I called out ‘bye then’ and slammed the door (while staying in the house of course, because I only pretend to be a bitch mum from hell). I expected them to run downstairs, instead they both dissolved into hysterical tears and I found them staring out the bedroom window like a couple of puppies in the pet shop. And then I had to apologise and wait another 26 minutes for them to come down stairs and put their bloody shoes on.

So it’s clear to see that nagging isn’t helping and neither are my shock (treatment) tactics. I am still being ignored but now I’m also feeling immensely guilty. So from now on I will save my breath. Here are my top five things I won’t waste my time saying…

‘Right, that’s it, we aren’t going now.’
Except we are, because I chose that day’s destination. If it’s a party, then I have RSVPd and I’ve spent money on a present that I have also spent time wrapping. If it’s a friend’s house, then the friend’s mummy will be waiting for me (with wine, hopefully). If it’s the park, I need the fresh air and ten minutes of alone time. So it’s all bollocks, we are going. And they know it.

‘What did I just say?’
They don’t know. They never know. They weren’t listening, which is why I just asked them that. And chances are by the time I have made my point I have forgotten what I just said anyway…

‘If you don’t clear up your toys I’m throwing them away!’
Of course I won’t. Throw away the teddy she sleeps with every night and put up with a month’s worth of bedtime hysterics? Errrr no! Throw away her over priced doll’s house and accessories I spent an entire November searching for in order to get her Christmas present just right? Hell no! Spend any time at all sorting through their toys after they have gone to bed instead of throw myself on to the sofa with a cold glass of wine? Do I need to even answer that?

‘You don’t know how lucky you are.’
No, they don’t. Why would they? I have made their lives lovely because I love them and because I can. Why would they realize that wasn’t normal? Am I going to suddenly attempt to make a point by denying them food, taking away their shoes and making them walk to school for miles with a bucket of water on their head? No. I won’t.

‘That is the last time I tell you…’
It won’t be. I will say it exactly 58 more times until I go and do whatever it is I have been asking them to do myself. After all, every order I give in this house is really an instruction out loud to myself.

So there you have it, the wallpaper has spoken and…
Hey! Were you even paying attention? Why does nobody listen to me? What did I just tell you?!

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Main image: Wallpaper design 7 by Edouard Artus

Natali Drake

Natali Drake is an author, freelance writer and mother of two little girls. In 2015 she co-founded theglasshousegirls.com - an online magazine for women who say it how it is! Her work has appeared in our very own The Mother Book, as well as in various online magazines and UK newspapers. Her YA Fantasy Romance series 'The Path Keeper' (written under her pen name N J Simmonds) is now available to order at all good bookshops or visit njsimmonds.com

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