I deplored: Gina Ford

Laura Nunn - 17 Nov 16

Last night YoungestGirl slept through from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. Whilst this isn’t the first time she has ever achieved this feat, it is certainly rare, and I am no stranger to the 5 a.m. breastfeed. Still, things are much better than they were, when she refused to sleep for more than 20 consecutive minutes at any one time, mostly just to break me. This time, I was prepared. We battled through it. (By which I mean I had a hefty slug of vodka quite regularly.)

But first time round, with EldestGirl, before I had learned the healing power of vodka… in those dark, dark moments, I did something unforgivable. I turned to Gina Ford.

Day One

7 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby should be awake, nappy changed and feeding no later than 7 a.m.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Crawl out of bed at 7, after two hours’ sleep, determined that today will be the day we turn it all around. Change baby. Try to feed baby. Baby is fast asleep. Try to wake baby by gently stroking the back of her neck. Try gentle bouncing. Try more vigorous bouncing. Try something which is borderline shaking. Give up. Go back to sleep.

7.30 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Try to have some cereal, toast and a drink whilst baby has a kick on his playmat.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Grab a handful of Thorntons chocolates and two sips of water. Realise baby doesn’t have a playmat, or a penis. Gina thinks I am failing. Order playmat on Amazon, feeling guilty for neglecting child. Stupid baby still asleep.

8.30 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby should start to get a bit sleepy by this time. Check the draw sheet and start winding down.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Wonder what the hell a draw sheet is. Mean to Google it, but baby wakes up and starts bawling. Feed baby.

10 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby must be fully awake by now. Drink a large glass of water.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Baby has finally stopped screaming post-feed, and is beginning to drift to sleep. Try to wake her (see earlier methods).  Give up. Boil kettle for cup of tea. Never actually get round to making it.

10.30 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Lay baby on his playmat to have a good kick around.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Continue to try to wake up sleeping baby. Pull her ears a bit. She smiles in her sleep.

11.15 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby needs to be in bed no later than 11.30 a.m. Baby should sleep for two and a half hours.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Baby is now fully awake and needs feeding again. This is punctuated with screaming, three nappy changes (including a sneaky one where she waits until I’ve taken the nappy off and then poos in a massive arc, hitting the lovely giraffe decal we have on her bedroom wall.  Gina doesn’t mention the best way of getting poos off a wall without ruining a giraffe decal).

2 p.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby must be awake and feeding, regardless of how long they have slept.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Wonder if it counts if the baby hasn’t slept at all, and has been feeding on and off for the last two hours. Notices Gina advocates another “good kick” on the playmat. At no point has Gina mentioned holding or cuddling the child. Begin to wonder if Gina has ever actually seen a baby.

5 p.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby should not sleep after 5 p.m. if you want them to sleep at 7 p.m.”

5.45 p.m.

GINA SAYS “Give baby a good kick around without their nappy.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Not a chance I’m being fooled this time. Last time ended in scrubbing poo out of the nursery carpet and my jeans. Baby starts screaming. Work out how many minutes it is until TheBloke (TM) gets home. Get halfway through calculation and realise I haven’t yet had lunch. Or that cup of tea. Also am still wearing pyjamas because Gina didn’t tell me I could have a shower, or go to the toilet. Luckily I don’t need to go to the toilet because I haven’t yet had a drink.

7 p.m.

GINA SAYS “When baby is drowsy, settle in bed, fully swaddled”

NUNN THE WISER DOES TheBloke (TM) is home. Put him in charge of baby. She hates being swaddled. Screaming ensues. Most of it from the baby. Baby fully awake and wants to play with Daddy. Nunn the Wiser makes dinner whilst Daddy plays with baby. Baby falls asleep.

8 p.m.

GINA SAYS “It’s important you have a really good meal.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Open mouth to take first bite. Baby starts screaming. This is the case every time we try to have food. We now only eat meals that can be eaten one-handed, and pass the baby to each other every six mouthfuls. Baby finally falls into deep sleep.

10 p.m.

GINA SAYS “Turn up the lights fully to wake the baby for a proper feed.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Turn all the lights on. Baby remains asleep. Undress baby, as per Gina’s suggestion, to wake her. Baby remains asleep. Try to feed baby. Baby is too asleep to feed. Try neck stroking, bouncing and borderline shaking. Baby wakes up and feeds. Re-dress baby. Baby now wide awake, wants to play and screams every time we try and put her in her Moses basket. This continues until midnight when I relent and allow her to fall asleep on my stomach. At which point she does a massive leaky shit, and we have to change both our outfits again. Luckily, I’m still in yesterday’s pyjamas.

1 a.m., 3.30 a.m., 5 a.m., 6.30 a.m Repeat feeding / shitting / changing scenario.  I run out of clean pyjamas.

Day Two

7 a.m.

GINA SAYS “Baby should be awake, nappy changed and feeding no later than 7 a.m.”

NUNN THE WISER DOES Baby is miraculously asleep. Ignore alarm. Ignore shit on pyjamas. Ignore two-day old vomit in hair. Ignore Fucking Gina Fucking Ford and go back to sleep.

Laura Nunn

Pretending to be a grown up, but basically still Nunn the Wiser.

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